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/sad/ thread Anonymage 03/08/2020 (Sun) 01:50:14 No.332
Depression, ventilation and other such posts go here. How are you feeling today mage?
In the last years I haven't been sad, just tired. I'm in this position were I feel everything is perfectly fine with me but is the rest of the world that's fucked. I just don't really get why I need to spend too much time of my life into others so I can barely have two days a week and one month a year for myself.
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I keep having strong feelings of depersonalisation, whereby I suddenly feel as if I'm instead standing in a set on a film studio. I might be walking when suddenly the light from the sun seems more like studio lighting, anything in the distance looks more like a painted backdrop, and nearby objects don't seem real. Everything feels fake, though this only lasts for a brief second. I want to get away from this world that I feel nothing for.
>>337 That's been happening to me too in recent years, mostly when I'm under a lot of stress. For me it feels more like a VR video game. Like a screen has been placed right up against my eyes. Last time I had it when I had to go to the hospital for my physical, I ended up wandering around like it was a walking simulator and admiring the "devs" work. It only went away when I tried seeing if I was depersonalized enough to jump off a 6 story stairwell.
>>336 I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. Sometimes it's hard not to feel like an outsider, especially when you see that the rest of the world is fine with all those things you don't believe in. In those cases, being alone can be quite enjoyable. On the other hand, I'm not entirely sure if I get your point, but I can't help but identify with what you posted. I've been working and studying at the same time for a few years, and to be honest, I hate this whole situation. I even cry sometimes when I think about it. And my job isn't even that serious or demanding. Anyway, I guess I can only wish you the best in the times to come. I hope you find something that makes you feel better. >>337 That sounds really complex. Since when you feel like that? It's true that sometimes it's difficult to empathize or even understand the world, but this is the first time I've met someone who feels like the whole world is fake. Do you know why you feel that way? Do you have trouble making sense of what you see? I'm sorry for asking so many questions. I hope you're doing well. >>340 Now that you mention it, I feel something similar when I’m under a lot of stress, too. Maybe it's our brains trying to cope with all that stress.
I feel OK recently. I don't feel good exactly, but I don't feel bad either. I should be overcome with gratitude that I'm not in agony, but I can't seem to manage. I'm still slogging through days of drudgery in an evil world I detest and fear, but now I just don't really care. In sorrow I thought I understood some deep truth. Now everything is a muddle. I don't really know what I think, feel, or believe. I only have vague generalities, and "I guess". I guess everything I ever wanted is done with. I guess I hate most people and the things they do. I guess I'll try to kill myself soon even though I don't think it will do much good. I guess none of this matters anyways...
>>340 >>342 It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one to have experienced this. I didn't think of it in context of it being a coping mechanism to stress, but it does make sense.
Just overheard my dad talking about the younger generations to a co-worker and I had been feeling bad enough without this on my mind. >blah blah blah >I took care of myself since 16. >blah blah blah He lowered his voice during that part of the conversation. Unfortunately, everyone in my family is overly loud, so their concept of a lowered voice is still enough for me to overhear without trying to eavesdrop. He wasn't talking about me specifically, but it was made obvious there are some latent feelings that apply to me.
>>357 I find really hard to listen 50-60's people talking (somehow older people is usually better), I wonder if they were always that awful. They deserve only the best, everything they got in life is because of their effort and willpower and everyone else is lazy. It's people like my aunt, got their only job at 18, hasn't really worked (as doing something productive) in the last 20 years, gets paid really well and has properties, complains about everything.
I need to stop attaching my ego on how well I perform certain actions. It arrived to a point where I can't enjoy anything without having anxiety all the time or feeling shit if I do it bad.
>>453 It is not easy to suppress the projection of our will into the future; perhaps it isn't possible at all. That our minds dare to conjecture the future state of things from the present one seems a natural inclination, a defining characteristic of humankind, as Cicero would say (On Duties, I): >But the most marked difference between man and beast is this: the beast, just as far as it is moved by the senses and with very little perception of past or future, adapts itself to that alone which is present at the moment; while man — because he is endowed with reason, by which he comprehends the chain of consequences, perceives the causes of things, understands the relation of cause to effect and of effect to cause, draws analogies, and connects and associates the present and the future — easily surveys the course of his whole life and makes the necessary preparations for its conduct. Our very nature seems to impede the realization of those commonly spoken words: "live in the present". How blessed the beastly state, in this regard, compared to our own! Furthermore, it appears through common experience that said conjectures of the future made by our minds are quite naturally bathed in subjectivity; not only our minds anticipate something as 'plausible', but also classify it as 'desirable' or 'undesirable' according to its own structure, by which word I mean that terrible mystery we could call will or ego. When our minds anticipate something 'desirable' we feel desire, hope, expectation etc.; when, on the other hand, they anticipate something 'undesirable', we feel 'fear, desperation'. If said fear is not something concrete, but it's rather vague or tenuous, we feel 'anxiety', which I think is very different from the pure fear or terror we experience when faced with a concrete and immediate adversity. How to reduce the emotional intensity of these judgements made over conjecture? How to limit the conjectures themselves, so that we may experience that beastly "life in the present"? If I find something to any of those effects, I'll let you know. I quoted Cicero above, saying: >easily surveys the course of his whole life and makes the necessary preparations for its conduct. I have tried to survey the course of my life, but I don't really know what preparations are necessary, or even useful, for me to make. I am myself a profoundly anxious person. I apologize for this long, unoriginal and rather useless reply. As I get to the end of this reply I find that I have written more for myself than for you, perhaps imagining that I had something worthwhile to say.
>>455 Sorry man but I didn't understand much of what you've written. I appreciate the fact that you tried to give me an hindsight though.
I've been sleeping less and less. It feels like every moment I spend asleep is wasted, even though I barely do anything when I'm awake. I wonder if this is because I went suddenly from wageslaving overtime to NEET because of corona. Maybe the effects are finally catching up to me. That's the only explanation I can think of, since my diet hasn't changed at all and I don't think I'm sick or anything. My body feels like shit but my mind feels okay, despite the fact that I'm beating myself up over not doing anything productive. >>455 This reminds me of something that I've been thinking about for a while now, which is that one of the biggest advantages humans have over other animals is the fact that we can plan ahead for things. On the one hand then, advice like "live in the present/for the moment" makes sense because planning ahead is the cause of a great deal of suffering, which is the same with remembering the past (worrying about the future causes stress by uncertainty and worrying about the past causes stress by embarrassment, normally anyways). But on the other hand not only is thinking about the future something that's been boiled into our genes, it's also one of the main reasons humans aren't chewing on tree bark for food right now. It's a sort of inescapable problem that the normalfaggot has somehow managed to escape, or at least ignore most of the time. It seems like they've found a perfect middle ground where they have a primary concern for a day or two away, and a secondary concern for whenever the next big shift in their life starts (i.e. college, new jobs, retirement). As a side note, I wonder if less advanced creatures like fish or bugs have any real sense of time at all. Maybe they're the only things that could really be living "in the moment".
>>459 I'm sure I recently have read the same ideas about time you wrote, but I can't remember where. Have you posted this somewhere else? What a weird feeling.
>>460 No, I only really post here these days. Unless you mean you read an old post, but I've only been thinking about this recently. Odd.
>>456 No worries about that. >>459 I agree with your thoughts, and I would merely add that, in my opinion, the human ability to review the past (revision) and to plan ahead (prevision) cause so much suffering because of its weakness or insufficiency. I mean to say that man's ability in these matters of revision and prevision is fairly limited, being able to analyze the past/grasp at the future only in a very imperfect, fragmented and incomplete manner, by which deficiencies his mind is led to produce unfinished or outright erroneous images of the past or anticipations of the future. These deficient productions of the mind are what cause the uncertainty we feel of the future, or the embarrassment we feel from the past, I think. So while our rational abilities are indeed one of his biggest advantages over other animals, man is so far away from the "universal mind" (I don't mean to be obscure or mystical, just referring to omniscient or truth-knowing mind) that advantage turns to detriment, and reason becomes a self-deception that begets the torments of past (through deficient images) and future (through incomplete anticipations). As you say, the greater picture impedes us to "live in the moment"; conversely, the lesser leads us more and more to a content life "in the moment". Your side note also made me think about Zapffe's thesis, in his essay of 'The Last Messiah', that the higher mental faculties of man were a mistake: >Life had overshot its target, blowing itself apart. A species had been armed too heavily – by spirit made almighty without, but equally a menace to its own well-being. Its weapon was like a sword without hilt or plate, a two-edged blade cleaving everything; but he who is to wield it must grasp the blade and turn the one edge toward himself. >(...) He comes to nature as an unbidden guest, in vain extending his arms to beg conciliation with his maker: Nature answers no more, it performed a miracle with man, but later did not know him. He has lost his right of residence in the universe, has eaten from the Tree of Knowledge and been expelled from Paradise. He is mighty in the near world, but curses his might as purchased with his harmony of soul, his innocence, his inner peace in life’s embrace.
>break a small plate I used most of my life >feel bad for losing it because it served me for so many years >cry because its like losing a companion Sometimes its weird being autistic
>>617 That's like really japanese, more than autistic. Or maybe both things are close, I don't know.
>>617 I get feelings like that when I break something, too. Apart from that it just feels like such a shame, some perfectly good item that someone had to work hard to make, that would have been useful for a long time if not for me ruining it.
>>617 >>619 I get like that too, but also a sense of shame that I irreparably damaged it and also anger/regret that I damaged something that's been looked after for so many years. Best way to describe it is a cocktail of emotions. Did you guys grow up poor? I think that's where I've got it from because I would've been scolded if I had done something similar in my childhood. >>618 The Japanese certainly have some weird customs, especially when you're an outsider looking in.
>>620 >Did you guys grow up poor? Yes but i wasn't scolded for anything like that. I remember being 3-4 and taking care of my toys and books, they were in perfect condition. But my baby sister was pure evil and broke them and it made me so sad and angry, i can pinpoint my selfishness to that exact moment, i refused to give my stuff to anyone else after that.
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I've come to realization or admittance today much of the trauma I experienced while younger still drags me down. I assumed that after my life improved, all or most of that garbage wouldn't even matter anymore or at best, be forgotten. I am grateful things really did end up improving for me, much of which I never expected or how quickly progress came about. Despite the improvement, there are periods where I remember these painful moments of my life; sometimes being a complete buzzkill over what I may be doing at the moment, at worst, It'll devolve into a rabbit hole of damaging memory after memory, shutting me down for the rest of day or amounting to a sleepless night. I need to find some way to confront this shit and bury the hatchet. What masculinity I have urged to just, "get the fuck over it" or, "this was YEARS ago" but this is obviously not working. I am all ears for advice or empathy.
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>>721 I could have wrote the exact same post. It's weird because I'm worse now about my past than how I was in my first 20's. When I was younger I didn't think too much about it and thought the same you said, that later as an adult it wouldn't matter. But now it feels a really heavy burden and I even have nightmares often. Also, every little bad experience I have now feels a lot worse, like the weight is already too much and I can't take more. Nietzsche wrote "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but as I see it what doesn't kill leaves you beaten up, exhausted and weaker. Suffering doesn't make you stronger, and that sucks. >What masculinity I have urged to just, "get the fuck over it" or, "this was YEARS ago" but this is obviously not working. And I thought the same, and also didn't work. That doesn't mean I think you should "seek help" or shit like that, I despite that more than anything else. I'm assuming you don't plan to live a normal life, so as I see it living with your mind and memories only can be achieved by; -Not adding extra shit to it. I haven't done this because it seems impossible to do while just living, there's always bad experiences and social interactions that can't be avoided. But they can be reduced to a minimum, maybe. Isolation helps, physical and mental. -Inmerse yourself in things that are bigger than yourself. History, the universe, doesn't matter. If you care less about yourself you will care less about your past shitty life. -Detachment. In my case my memories pursue me in two ways, an inmense humiliation and a feeling of guilt. If you can become less "narcisistic" in your mindset and consider yourself as a living thing the same way as a plant or a bird without too much purpose then maybe you can assume a more contemplative existence. If you have low self-esteem you will suffer but if you have no self-esteem at all maybe you will not? I hope I could help but I can't help myself, so I can only wish you luck.
>>721 I think that mistakes we made in the past serve a purpose because it makes us less likely to repeat that mistake. But convincing yourself of that in a meaningful way is difficult, and maybe impossible. Maybe we aren't meant to live with our mistakes or anything screwed up in our past, the guilt might be something that's necessary and unavoidable for someone capable of regret. Maybe you don't accept the thing itself but the fact that you'll always have to live with the it if that makes any sense. Or maybe it's just very very hard to accept, I don't know. I think the only way to get rid of this sort of thing would be to forget about them completely somehow. For me it feels like there are times when I don't remember the shit that I hate from when I was younger but then I see something that reminds me of old fuckups and I can't stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. Little things I could have done that would make my life now ten times better, but I didn't do then because I was a stupid kid. I obviously can't change what happened in the past but that doesn't stop me from thinking through every possibility a hundred times. I hope things go well for you, and that this shit doesn't keep consuming you. It's an awful feeling to be unable to stop thinking about things you can't change, especially when they're things that have directly effected you.
I just feel so weary. I have trouble sleeping, my job is pointless but takes up my whole week and I don't have the energy to do anything for myself afterwards. My body hurts all the time now, it just keeps getting worse. I think it has given up trying to get better and is just waiting for the end.
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>>840 Part of what gets me through a stressful work week is packing a massive lunch. I'll bring a bottle of pop, a bag a chips, a chocolate bar, and a package of ramen noodles to work with me. I really helps dull the misery.
>>841 Enjoying your meals has a quality all of its own. I think sugar reduces stress too. To be honest my job isn't usually very stressful, I mostly just sit in an office by myself tabulating data on various things (nobody ever uses my work for anything). It's just tiresome to have a job at all and the rest of me feels like it's falling apart more and more by the day.
>>843 I hope things improve for you soon, mage.
>>842 The sugars been killing my teeth lately so I had to start bringing listerine with me to work. My job isn't very stressful most days but it also helps the monotony to have a nice meal to look forward to.
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>>844 Things have been getting worse and worse for years, and not in a temporary way.My mind and body just keep accumulating damage. I shouldn't have even made a post in the first place since there's nothing to be done about it. Sorry to have troubled you.
>>846 Well, I'm sorry that things are so bad for you and I hope it will at least stop getting worse or that you will be able to find some relief from the stress.
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>>847 Thanks for the kind words, I hope things go well for you too. Sorry again to trouble you with my insoluble issues.
My leg is infected again. There's loads of liquid pouring out the small wound like last time, it makes my socks and trousers wet. All just because I can't stop myself picking a scab. I'm making progress on my mental health but I'm nowhere near daily stability for 2 weeks and it only takes one day to undo progress. I hope I can just tend to it at home this time, I think I healed it up from this once I can't remember. Last time it caused a chest infection and I thought my heart was failing because it caused a lot of heart pain from the pressure on it I guess. Apparently once you get one infection it can just keep coming back. I didn't get one from 10 years of picking my legs and now multiple. Being self aware as well as barely in control mentally isn't fun.
>>878 Good luck, mage. I think washing it with warm water often will help, though I'm kind of a dumbass so take my word with a grain of salt.
>>878 It might be a good idea to go see a doctor, if it's really an infection you may need a prescription for antibiotics. I had a stomach infection for the longest time and some cheap antibiotics cleared it up fast. I wish I took them way sooner.
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I miss having a dog. When I lived with my parents and our pet dog would follow me around it felt like I was part of a pack, that I have a buddy that totally accepted and depended on me. Whenever I eat meal I'll think back on all the times I feed him table scraps. It'd almost be worth buying a house just so I could have a dog again.
I can't draw for shit yet expect to make a career as an artist despite being in my late 20's This is what I get for depending on others too much that obviously did not have my best interest in my teens.
>>982 yeah, it sucks to not be talented at anything
>>982 Post your drawings here. Sharing what you make ends up giving you a sort of desire to please the viewer. When I post my drawings even if I got no responses I'd know someone's seeing them, and it gives me an extra push to improve. That being said I get what you mean. Even though I have the ability to do so, and I get a bit of dopamine for sharing my scribbles, I still rarely finish projects and I spend more time considering things than doing them. I still have a ton of pencils that are either unfinished or I haven't inked them. It's a combination of laziness and perfectionism that's really gay and gets me nowhere.
>my mother has asked me to go back to work God dammit. I thought I could ride this covid shit out at least until there was widespread testing. Fucking hell, I'm going to have to go back and interact with these soulless neurotypical assholes. I just want to die in my sleep at this point. The worst part is that once I start working I'm able to ignore the negatives of it enough to keep myself from wanting to jump off a bridge, but I lose the ability to do the things I care about because I'm so tired from working all day that I can't focus on anything besides watching tv and anime or playing video games.
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>>991 I know what you mean, as soon as you start a job it feels like you're trapped. Hopefully my government will implement ubi soon, I'm in my 30s and ready to retire and live out the rest of my life as a welfare hermit. Work overwhelms me in so many ways.
>>994 Everything fucking sucks. All jobs are shit filled with normalfags and eat up time from a day that didn't have enough hours in it to begin with. I'm real fucking young and I feel like if I properly start on the wageslave path I'll never get out, and for a person who knows he won't have a family or friends or anything that's practically a prolonged death sentence. I'm too stupid or scared or stubborn to end it early. >ubi It's a damn shame Yang was fucked so hard. Only candidate I would have gone out to vote for.
Searching for a job has to be the most soul sucking activity ever dreamed up. Countless hours spent scrolling through hundreds of jobs, all while I feel emptier and emptier to the point where I feel nauseous. Every fucker is out of work, global economy going down the shitter, I don't even make it to interviews just shitty robot emails back telling me I didn't qualify, can't even do manual work because bureaucrats force you through hoops - why do I need a qualification in 'Manual Operations' when all the job is is lifting boxes in a fucking warehouse? I envy the older generations more because back in say the 50s or so you could just get a job and none of the hassle that it comes with to day. And don't get me started on the welfare system, holy shit is it terrifying. Why would I want to degrade and humiliate myself; be at the beck and call of some goverment pencil pusher and live on a pittance just so I can oxymoronically claim to be free from the system? The more I think about life the more I come to fear it, it's this horrible nervousness and anxiety like when the teacher would make you stand in front of the class and get you to deliver a presentation.
>>1000 You're making me remember some awful days. Years ago I had to quit a job because it was ltierally killing me, and I tried with literally all business in my town. There wasn't a single one that could hire me, it didn't matter what kind of job. I even worked for free, for nothing. At the end all I needed was a family member to get me into some company and thanks to that I'm alive today. It was so awful to see all the boomers to despise me because I couldn't find a job in months, being told how I didn't really want to work and that's why no one would hire me, because bad "attitude". It was one of my lowest points and thanks to that I developed a pathologic fear of ever being unemployed again. It also made me a little sick about money, I feel guilty everytime I spend a buck and even when I already have some decent savings it never feels enough. And obviously my self-esteem never recovered either, I just hope I never have to go through anything like that in my life.
>>974 Ipseity disturbance is an interesting concept. I found the concept less useful as a self-diagnostic tool and more useful as finding a language to describe the experiences I had. I think there is a large crossover with things like depression though. In my experience the loss of the ability for the mind to want, desire, or anticipate for something removes the ability of the mind to traverse time. The loss of time creates a breakdown of ipseity since the mind relies on in-built time traversal concepts like dopamine correlative anticipation events. The domain 2 of the EASE terms about presence always become prevalent for me during depressive episodes. My mind splits up and my body stops responding so I have to start talking to my "vessel" to remind it why it should respond, reporting back to it what its doing, and so on. When the depression episode passes then it makes no sense because my mind and body feel unified again even if I'm still having trouble moving or doing things, my mind hasn't split. Having language to explain different elements of experience is useful and making progress on solutions is easier when you have a useful map of experiences.
>>1010 >I found the concept less useful as a self-diagnostic tool and more useful as finding a language to describe the experiences I had. [...] Having language to explain different elements of experience is useful and making progress on solutions is easier when you have a useful map of experiences. I feel the same. I recognized myself in it, but posted it largely because it was an oddly detailed taxonomy. When all you have to understand your experience is the vague language and concepts of others not like yourself, it can obscure your own reality. I don't put much faith in psychology in general, but I do find such "map of experiences" useful for deliniating the territory of my own reality. >My mind splits up and my body stops responding so I have to start talking to my "vessel" to remind it why it should respond, reporting back to it what its doing, and so on. Personally I find my experience is the opposite of yours. During my worst depressive episodes I have fewer of the dissociative symptoms than I normally experience. Maybe it's because my episodes come with somatic symptoms. Having to consciously struggle for breath, hold back puke, and feeling a pain in my guts makes me more grounded than I am when I'm just ahedonic and foggy-headed.
>>1007 I hate working but I also don't quit my job because I am scared of not having an income, even though I have plenty savings for that not to be a real problem. But my job is so pointless it just feels like a waste to even turn up. I can go all week without talking to anybody and nobody even looks at or cares about my reports on anything.
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So jaded.
I just want to withdraw. What's the point of living If I can't accomplish my goals. I'm too anxious to even begin wageslaving.
>>1047 What are your goals?
>>1049 My goals mostly lie in in the arts. I should clarify that I do believe that I can accomplish them but my household was filled with gloomy drivel since childhood that I adopted such a pessimistic mindset and learned to lay down and rot.
There's nothing left for me. I don't want to keep waking up. I just want to sleep. But every time I do I just end up waking up here again exhausted as ever. There's no rest, just an endless waking nightmare I can't shake. I'm so tired.
>>1051 Some days I'll wake up and as soon as I become conscious I'll think to myself "FUCK, I'm me again, and I have to go through another day of my awkward, stupid and pointless life. I wonder how I'm going to embarrass myself today?" Not a great way to start a day but it is what it is.
>>1052 I get that most mornings. You'd think I'd have gotten used to it over time, but each time realization dawns on me fresh and horrible as the first. It's a good microcosm of my life in general, endlessly cycling through the same old pains and always acting shocked at just how bad it can hurt. It's like I'm just a really dumb animal or something lol.
>>1055 >endlessly cycling through the same old pains Oh man, I cringe so hard when I think about my past embarrassments. My life now seems to revolve around avoiding embarrassment (which I mostly fail at) and trying not to dwell on the past too much.
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I want to go live in a cold dark crater on the far side of the moon. By myself, for the rest of my life, with a suicide booth for when I'm ready to die.
Are you all ok?
>>1059 I'm kind of hungry but other than that I'm doing ok
Recently I found out that I'm more like my father than I realized. Other than that I'm fine but it's put me in a bad mood. Might rant about it later but I'm tired right now.
>>1061 I eagerly await your daddy issues post
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>>1059 My wretched life is proof positive that God -if he exists at all- cannot be at once benevolent, omnipotent, and omniscient. But other than that I'm just peachy keen.
>>1061 That's been on my mind a lot lately; even the smallest of my behaviours reminds me of his. What saddens me is I've tried to avoid turning out like him and yet the more I try the more I notice it, and though it shouldn't be on my mind it still comes up often. I don't know what obligates me to compare myself to an abusive asshole but I wish it would stop so I could focus on living my own life.
>>1064 I can say all those thoughts feel really familar to me too. There's a curious trend here, quite significative considering how few we are. Those fears were more common in the past though, at some point I had to notice there's fundamental differences in behavior, the life of any normal person becomes too different from ours the older you get.
My body hurts all the time and I am a bit worried about some dumb stuff at work. So, pretty normal.
I've stewed over my realization that I'm so much like my father and I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter. Or at least, that I shouldn't stew over it any longer. One of the biggest parallels between me and him is that we both have large projects we want to do that neither of us has made any progress on, he wants to write a book and all he has is notecards, I want to create a comic and all I have is sketches. The biggest difference is the fact that I'm not in my sixties yet, I can turn that around. This isn't something that I've thought about doing for multiple decades and made no progress, it's not something that I have no real goal of doing but use it to convince people I'm doing something valuable. I've bought some new supplies and I've got a script that I think is serviceable, I hope that I'll be able to do an issue or two of that Spider-girl comic I said I'd do a year ago. The hardest thing to come to grips with is that every lie he's told me is one I would have told my son in that situation hypothetically of course. Not to excuse anything, but I'm just as manipulative as he is. The reason this has me so worked up isn't just that he lied about things, it's that I'm just like him in that sense. The only reason I realized that he's been emotionally manipulating me is because I thought about events from my childhood as if I was him, and in those cases the only conclusion I can come to is that he took advantage of my desire to have a strong father figure to get me to alienate and hate my mother, and he took advantage of my mother, either because of her feeling guilty for divorcing him or because she thought I needed to see him, to never have to get a car and to be able to rarely work. He never made an effort to have me or my brother be able to visit regularly but he acted like he was owed it. Even before the divorce he took advantage of her so he could NEET, and in family court he made bank, he hadn't worked in years when the divorce happened and he never had as well-paying of a job as my mother and yet he got half the shit anyways. All throughout my childhood I thought that the thing that was uniquely wrong about my upbringing was that I had a bad mother who wouldn't let me see my good father, but that was a complete reversal. I didn't inherit almost anything from my mother despite being raised by her, all of my faults were genetic, not learned. The entire time she put up with my horse shit, even though I hated her. There are things that I think my mother did wrong, but nothing was out of malice for my father the way he made it seem. For all her faults she tried her best, while my father made it into a contest about who could convince me they were right. I don't know if I can make up to my mother for how I treated her my entire upbringing because of my father's manipulation. I've been interacting with her more, doing errands and things and talking about stuff beyond just complaining. I think that's enough, talking directly about it would be awkward and wouldn't solve anything. All I can really do now is try to be better than my father, and hope this doesn't bother me too much in the future. While I'm able to NEET I might as well be productive and be kind to the person I'm leeching off of instead of acting like I'm owed it. I guess that might not be sad enough for this thread. Trust me, the first second and third drafts were ten times longer and a lot more depressed. I think I just needed to organize my thoughts.
>>1067 It's bad enough but I alsothink it's nice to be able to understand it all with such a presicion, to this day I mostly don't understand anything and I try to find answers in old religious concepts that probably have little to do with reality.
>>1067 Most traits are heritable, so it's only natural that you'll see a lot of yourself in your father. I use to think my dad was kind of a loser growing up but now that I'm getting older I have to admit that he's way more well adjusted than me. Whatever faults he has, I have, just way amplified.
I don't think I could ever feel satisfied no matter what. Even when I feel sort of happy there's still a gnawing feeling of how bad things are. The best I can manage is just to try to feel indifferent to things getting worse.
>>1075 >but then I think to myself "Even if I could wave a magic wand and get everything I could ever want, to what end? Would any of this ever be worth it?". I'm at a point where it's rare to even want things. Even when I manage to think that something seems like it would be nice to have/do/be that's about as far as it goes.
It’s been a year since I made a system to log and manage mood which allowed me to do chores and things to the point my family home wasn’t chaos. So for 365 days I’ve tried every day building habits, routines, awareness through meditation, and emotional awareness. This month I took my eye off the ball and didn’t give it full effort. My brain lost all of it and I didn’t do much of anything for 3 weeks and struggled to get back in to the system. I thought that after 10 years of struggling to even do things if i just get some ability to do chores and follow a routine for a few days a week it would snowball. But it obviously hasn’t. My mind isn’t learning even after a year. I have bipolar swings so I get a week every few months where my mind works and it tricks me into thinking I can have it all the time, but I guess time is proving otherwise.
Anyone else get super stressed just from being around your parents? I don't even live with them and I'm having the stress reaction just from thinking about being around them. My father rang up a few weeks ago and started ordering me around: "tomorrow you're going to go around to the travel agencies up there and book a ticket to come back for christmas and ring me in the afternoon with the details", of course I just did nothing lol, but it made me feel like I was there. When I'm there that's pretty much how it is all the time, constantly being told what to do like some little kid, told that I'm not good enough to stuff like some little kid, told that everything I do is bad like some little kid, etc. I end up just sitting in my childhood room on edge all the time from my mother yelling "NO! UH-UH-UH! NO! NO!" at the dog just like how she yelled at me when I was a kid. Whenever I hear my father moving around I start hyperventilating and feeling extremely nervous, inevitably he drops by semi-regularly to harangue me at length on excciting topics like "your job isn't good enough", "it's very bad that you aren't studying for a masters degree", "why don't you have a girlfriend", "why don't you go out to bars", "you need to start getting prostate exams every six months so you don't die of terrible cancer", "why haven't you replaced your car yet", "I don't know why you're not confident like your brother", "you don't need to buy food in this house" (because I managed to go out and came home with a $3 drink or something) and "of course I have never infantlized you and have always respected that you are really an adult". All he can think about is what he's waffling on with, I'll be straining with every inch of my body to get away from him and he just drones on and on obliviously, I can't even disagree with something he says because he'll get the sads and basically have a tantrum. When I'm not being lectured at I just sit there afraid of leaving the room. I don't even want to go outside much but it's physically impossible to leave the house without going through the living room and getting some lecture-questioning about the purpose of my "journey", so I wait until nobody is there only to get either a lecture about not sneaking out or mockery for doing it, mockery for how stingy I supposedly am (even though I get in trouble for spending money), mockery for eating a lot (after eating nothing all day because I was too scared to leave my room, also reminds me of something from my childhood), frustration that I don't magically known how to use tools that I was never taught how to use, etc. When my brother was 14 or 15 he had way more freedom than my parents give me when I'm fucking visiting them. I guess it's pathetic but I just get physically stressed as hell to the point where every little thing feels like a nail hitting me and it's impossible to calm down at all.
>>1164 I would be stressed out of my mind as well with parents such as this. I can emphasize to a degree but it has gotten better luckily. If you don't really require their help for anything, like financial support, I would seriously consider breaking off any and all contact.
>>1164 That sounds familiar to me, with some differences. I always got along with my mother but pretty bad with my father. Girlfriend or social stuff was never or rarely mentioned since I suspect they were smart enough to see that wasn't going to be a thing for me, or maybe they thought I was gay. But my father complaining about how I should get a job, then quit the job I got, then get a better job, being compared to others, getting a car, getting a new phone ,etc., that happened all the time and still happens the few times I see him. While I had to live with them it was kinda hellish since my father hated "leisure time" and weekends were for work in the house, waking up later than 9 was a serious offense and he could literally invent work to do (like breaking something to rebuild it again, having to cut the grass every three days or just moving heavy things constantly) so I couldn't just be left in peace. I think after the years this has fucked up my mind a little and I suffer some neurosis and intense guilt, I clean the same things again and again compulsively and sometimes I feel bad if I just sit down and do nothing. Now I barely talk to him 4 or 5 times a year so it's not a bother anymore. I think this father thing is quite common even with normals so it must be some cultural or even biological thing, psychologists deal with this kind of shit all the time. Since I had that experience I'm convinced indepence is absolutely necessary and I couldn't live any other way, I already have lots of fucks telling me what to do at work so free time is sacred time to me. >frustration that I don't magically known how to use tools that I was never taught how to use This I can relate the most. My father was basically McGyver and was really pissed when I didn't know how to repair a chainsaw or a brush cutter. Basically he knew how to do absolute everything from electronics, to construction. to mechanics and I never knew how to do shit (I can't even drive properly and crashed two cars) or have the interest except watching japanese cartoons. That probably fucked my self-steem quite badly too, also made me hate life in the country and crave for urban life. It sounds crazy but living in the city is just one hundred times more peaceful.
>>1165 I guess I have wondered if I am just being unreasonable or something (as my parents would naturally insist) so it is helpful to know that others would also find it stressful. >>1166 My mother got a bit better but my father is about the same, maybe worse. > getting a new phone That reminded me that a few years ago they took me to the shops on some pretext, and when we got there he declared that I was going to get a new phone. He ended up spending over an hour in some electronics shop despite me saying I didn't want one (I even went away and when I came back he was still there and argued with me again). A couple of days after that I was still so stressed that I changed my ticket and left a week early. >I think after the years this has fucked up my mind a little and I suffer some neurosis and intense guilt, I clean the same things again and again compulsively and sometimes I feel bad if I just sit down and do nothing. Damn. For me, no matter what I am doing I always feel like I'm going to be in trouble and so I hide everything and sort of sneak around. I'm extremely passive and pretty much try to avoid doing anything at all. I remember being a teenager and thinking that I got in trouble whether or not I did anything so it was easier to do nothing, it seems to have stayed with me. > father was basically McGyver and was really pissed when I didn't know how to repair a chainsaw or a brush cutter. Basically he knew how to do absolute everything from electronics, to construction. to mechanics and I never knew how to do shit When I was a kid my father would often have me around 'helping' when he was doing something to the car or tools or whatever, but he wouldn't say what he was doing or what the tools were, I couldn't see anything because he was in the way, etc. So it was really useless, all I did was just stand around. He still does that, but now he sometimes asks me to do something and of course I can't do anything.
It's interesting to see the similarities and differences you mages have identified. >inevitably he drops by semi-regularly to harangue me at length >I can't even disagree with something he says because he'll get the sads and basically have a tantrum. I used to avoid my father at all costs for these exact reasons. He was always lecturing me on the same shit for 50+ minutes at a time ("go to university", "become a Buddhist", "get a high paying job", "find some friends", "listen to this schizoid conspiracy theory" etc) and never taking any of his own advice. Challenging what he said would just result in a longer lecture because he was adamant that he was 100% right so I'd just try to agree with him while attempting to shut the conversation down as quickly as possible. >Girlfriend or social stuff was never or rarely mentioned since I suspect they were smart enough to see that wasn't going to be a thing for me, or maybe they thought I was gay. Partly relatable. My mother has never bothered to bring it up but my father would try force a conversation about it, or else if he saw any female roughly my age he'd instantly make me aware of it as if I was just going to go over to them and ask them out or something. The last time I saw him before he was thankfully kicked out of the house he got so desperate he started talking about porn; I don't remember much but he mentioned that there were loads of German porn films when he was my age and he'd seen some. It wasn't a topic I would discuss with anyone, let alone my father, so I remained completely silent as if I couldn't hear him. He also got really pissy one time when the family went to a friend's wedding and I unknowingly ignored a girl my age who was trying to talk to me. >I don't magically known how to use tools that I was never taught how to use >This I can relate the most. My father was basically McGyver That's odd, I'm somewhat in the opposite position. I know a fair bit about DIY, woodworking, gardening, etc but not much about mechanical stuff while my father knew next to nothing. That didn't stop him from insisting he knew what he was doing though. >made me hate life in the country and crave for urban life. It sounds crazy but living in the city is just one hundred times more peaceful. Avoid urban/city life as much as possible. Having grew up in an city I can firmly say you should avoid those cesspits of human depravity at all costs, rural life is much better in many ways.
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>Still can't find a job >There's less and less available each day >No end to the global economic crisis in sight I wish I could at least enjoy my time as a NEET but instead it blurs into one unending day. Where are the lazy summer days I dreamed of?
>>1177 I'm really sorry you have to go through that, mage. These times are extraordinarily stressful, even for normalfags. I hope things get better for you soon.
>>1177 I am officially graduating any day now and have been looking for a job for a handful of months now. Maybe I aim too high but nobody has even given feedback to my applications. Yesterday my room-mate/landlord told me he has no intention of accommodating an unemployed person despite receiving rent. I think it is just an excuse to get rid of me. I am lucky that I have no trouble navigating the dangers of neetdom. Routines are my nature. Nevertheless the anxiety of intermediary periods is nerve wrecking and homelessness is a recurring fantasy. I am sure fate won't be as bad as we make it out to be, my magical friend. The worst that can happen is death.
>>1209 Sorry that you are in such a position and I hope you are able to evade homelessness and find a comfortable place to live (if that's what you want).
>>1209 >Yesterday my room-mate/landlord told me he has no intention of accommodating an unemployed person despite receiving rent. I think it is just an excuse to get rid of me What an asshole. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, mage. By the way, congratulations on your graduation. I must confess, I'm a little jealous of you. I'm almost 30 years old and I haven't finished my degree yet, but that is mostly my fault.
>>1212 It has now been remedied. I found a comfy place for my own to move in to. Employment is still an issue but my parents will support me for the time being.
I started an audio blog thing. It's just about depression and failing to make significant progress after many years of trying. At the moment it's focusing around trying to adopt a more demanding understanding of Buddhism despite not being cut out for it. I don't know if anyone will find value in it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtK55eCf5M4&list=PLxXSZAc03hl_JC5n0j3FB78L7tudWv38U&index=1
>>1305 I listened the beginning and at some point it started to feel like my own consciousness talking, even using similar words. It somehow depressed me.
>>1305 I've enjoyed listening to the first few episodes, I'll probably listen to the rest of them sometime soon. Hearing somebody articulate this stuff is nice, even if it is a bit depressing. Are you planning on recording more episodes later?
I came across a new word, "futilitarian", defined as "the pessimist and cynic who sees no particular point to anything in life". Couldn't agree more. >>1305 There's too much for me to listen to but I can't say I disagree with any of it.
Just wanted to post about this if anyone else was like this. When I was in my early twenties I remember I would talk to myself excessively and in a very convincing manner to those that would occasionaly (very very rarely) overhear me. I would go on these multi-hour late-night(12AM-4AM) treks and I would spend half the time just chirping away at myself, sometimes with a phone on my ear, so people wouldn't get seriously creeped out. In the dark, it made my already childish features and physique all the less threatening, which is probably why people only called the cops on me once throughout the 3 years of me obsessively doing this in a quiet, "safe", suburban area. I would just approach different perspectives with myself about whatever I came across online or the rare time something actually happened in my life, ruminate on how utterly hopeless I (thought) felt my circumstance was, and just really "talk" whatever I was interested or passionate at the time. Fast forward after I got brutally rejected from getting bux(I was literally treated like garbage by the social workers for even trying, despite really only doing it for the prospect of psychiatric and wanting to eventually be off it), and eventually ended receiving emotional support from kind people at a vocational rehabilitation(what you SHOULD do first to really set home you're unemployable if you fail to get any progress in the program whatsoever) I ended up "integrating" into the workforce fairly shortly after that, and I honestly think talking to myself helped in being able to at least conversate on a very basic level. I don't really do it anymore but I do look back at those nights fondly. This isn't supposed to be motivational, inspiring, or any of that fagshit. It's just I definitely remember being just completely alienated for a great stretch of time. I was too much of a basket case for wizard-chan, my circumstance too foreign for anyone frequenting those shitty mental health forums(SAS,TakeThisLife,Psych,memeanxiety/depression subreddits, etc) Nowadays, being in my mid-twenties, I find it surreal when I have people come up to me trying to chat me up and get to know me, course, I prevent them from getting close because of reasons those who empathize would know. One manager tried to hook me up with one of her sisters but I kept laughing it off. It's amazing how much you can adapt.
>>1310 I integrated too, and for some time I thought that was it and I adapted for good. But I get older and every year I find more and more difficult having to interact with people, doesn't matter how much experience I have. I think this isn't something you can really "grow up" completely.
>>1309 >>1308 >>1306 Thank you for trying to listen. I didn't expect people to bother. It's depressing until it isn't I guess, if it takes a turn towards success it may be something else. Going on the last week of continued mental instability I don't see it happening any time soon so it'll just be documenting me trying to train this mind. Once coronavirus is over I'm going to attempt to integrate in to the world again and maybe visit some meditation groups, but I don't have high hopes as that has always been unpleasant before too. It may be less depressing than just describing the current reality though. I added 9&10 to that playlist.
>>1313 I have a job so I guess am "integrated" pretty much. But being around people only makes me want to get away from them and there has been no reduction in that due to working. Exposure stuff doesn't "help" at all because it reminds me of how awful it is to be around them.
>>1319 When I lived in isolation I was moderately antisocial. When I had to live interacting with others, I became extremely antisocial. The more interaction I have the more I despise it. I remember an article about some autistic guy who was almost forced by his parents and psychiatrist to become normal. He got friends, a job, even a girlfriend. But after some time, suddenly, he attempted suicide. "Success" almost killed him. So he abandoned most of it, returned to his former autistic way of life and felt reasonably happy again.
>>1320 Just being around people stresses me out, frequent interactions inevitably send up sending everything else to hell. Even being in places where they might see me makes me nervous. Even at a physical level it's such a relief to be away from people for long enough that I forget about them. After years of working I can still hardly send emails or make phone calls and get stressed out for days by trivial things. There's just really no adjustment. At times I have felt like I was sort of getting used to dealing with people to some extent but I realised that what's really happening is I'm disregarding my body's stress and trudging on despite it. My body tries to numb the pain just as it would a physical injury, I think it's really unhealthy to invoke such mechanisms unnecessarily, and the stress keeps getting worse until it crashes down and I have to withdraw totally. >>1318 I don't care about meditation or buddhism but I really related to your description of never improving at things, just sort of staying about the same level no matter what, the forgetfulness when you read books, that sort of thing. People go on and on about "fixed mindsets" vs "growth mindsets" as if they're the cause of success in the people who have them. But I've always thought your mindset doesn't change how good you are at something, it's more likely that if you find yourself easily taking to new activities that you'll develop higher self-belief around doing them. But they basically just tell losers to just skip to the end and try to feign the attributes people who are successful develop after their success.
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>>1318 If you don't mind, could you tell me the basics of your meditation practice? I've aspired to meditation for a long time, but I've always been put off by what I could find on the subject. A lot of the stuff in English either falls into weird religious nonsense about new-age gurus, or it's secular nonsense that doesn't really appeal because of it's focus on the NORP experience. Some of the foundational texts I've skimmed like the Dhammapada are fine, I can't say I really disagree with it, but at least what I've read hasn't been all that helpful once removed from the religio-cultural context.Though I find much of the dogma like the no-self and the destructiveness of desire to be oddly intuitive, I can't quite follow along with wisdom from millennias old ascetic steeped in a world of superstition and religion. I might also just have a distorted view of meditation. I have this idea in my mind that meditative states can erase thought, quiet desires, and end the endless cycle of pain. I want to stop thinking, to stop desiring, even desiring to not desire. I want to erase it all, to achieve death in life. I don't know if that's really possible, or if I'm just clinging on to an ill-informed delusion about a religion I know nearly nothing about. I've mentioned this years before in a thread about the subject but got told off. In regards to actual meditative techniques I have knowledge of the only one I've ever really tried was the breathing awareness one. Though I quit after a ten minute attempt. The materials I found had talked about how it might be hard to stick with because of "monkey mind" but I found it was hard more because of the reasons you mentioned in your monologues. My moment to moment experience is actively unpleasant at the best of times, but focusing on my sensations only intensifies the discomfort. In part this is because my body is unsound and there's all sorts of aches and pains, in part it's because I have serious problems with dissociation and difficulty with normal bodily awareness, and of course I'm a very negative person even on days where my mood is good enough to even entertain the thought of learning meditation to improve my life. I don't know if my personal issues are comparable to the ones you've had to face or not but I thought I'd ask anyways since I've never really heard anyone else mention the struggles of meditation in relation to melancholics.
>>1323 I will reply in detail at some point so please check back. I just can’t right now.
>>1325 I understand, and I appreciate your effort, please don't feel pressured on my account.
>>1323 not him but I think I know what you feel like, I tried a handful of techniques for mediation, like the one you mentioned or reciting a mantra in my mind but when I got deepest into it, up to an hour at a time, I didn't have any method at all. I am aware that this is likely not helpful at all but I would simply sit down and not do anything, This includes consciously articulating thoughts. Naturally, articulated thoughts will still emerge but they feel more like someone is having thoughts with your brain than you thinking. In any case, even if I catch myself slacking, I simply learned to not care. It's total acceptance. This is what I think will eventually lead you to all those non-desires. I am pretty sure this is a skill you can acquire, sitting back in your mind. Even if you end up getting mad at yourself during mediation you will learn to accept that too instead of entering a vicious cycle. To me this approaches a 'danger' of 'inauthenticity' because the usual introspective analytic mind is not used to just take it and if you are anything like me this could make you very paranoid and self-doubting but if you manage to break through I believe you can find happiness. Or in more contemptible words: It's all ego, man.
>>1326 I intended to try and write down like a summary of what my current view was anyway for a video, so no worries. I don't know if we experience the same issues but I have found this information useful in making meditation make sense without that pleasurable sensation or progress. The description you have of seeking to escape desiring itself fits well with the stuff I've seen, especially to escape sensuality - Schopenhauer style that sensuality is a deprivation in itself. This language and intention to protect myself from suffering created some intention in lower states, but I still suck and struggle. I'm currently in a position where sensuality takes hold of me but once I'm out of it, I can see that it's dangerous to me and I should be meditating or getting in to the "mindful" awareness. I'm weak though. It's not very coherent. - https://0bin.net/paste/ebSL2Pc2#gMJF3J4y4YL1M4qair1qVEEQC0Z-vjNJJkg5IdQ/C9q
>>1328 Thanks very much for typing that all out. Your overview and links to foundational texts and your understanding of them is definitely helpful. I also appreciate the more in depth coverage of meditation. This may be driving the thread a bit off topic, but what you mentioned about the centrality of accepting reincarnation to the religious practice of Buddhism and your own difficulty with it is interesting. I find the Buddhist's cyclic cosmos where things echo and vary over immense timescales to be plausible, but the idea of reincarnation in the Buddhist framework I've had trouble with. How can something which doesn't have some essential essence be said to be reborn and carry over progress? I think I once read that Gautama Buddha was asked such a question and his reply was something along the lines of that those reborn were neither the same, nor were they different, and there was some truth that the unenlightened couldn't grasp. That sort of mystic part of Buddhism is hard for me to mentally deal with. All I think I can hope for without is a temporary alleviation of my own unpleasant mental states. >>1327 Well I'm already pretty dissociated most of the time, so I don't really think I have to worry about feeling more inauthentic than I already do. I have tried the sitting and doing nothing thing, and I'll admit it does seem to work somewhat if the conditions are right. For instance like sitting in my garden watching my plants sway in the breeze sometimes I feel like I can just sit back and observe without higher thought. Though I can't manage to do it consistently or in less pleasant conditions. Maybe it's lack of willpower.
>>1332 Once they told me reincarnation wasn't even the right term to describe it. As I see it, there's a psychic energy that moves somewhere else, the same way the body doesn't disappears but transforms into something else. There's not a sense of the individual, just sometimes some memories that happen to be attached to some psychic energy that later formed you, the same way you are formed by atoms that were part of other people in the past.
>>1332 Much better people have tried to explain this stuff but I'll try anyway. As I say, don't trust me too much I'm just a struggling wiz. I misspoke a few times in that notepad I posted. One has to start that the view or knowledge of "not-self" is different from the experience of abandoning self. The first step is accepting that you are not identified with something or with the skandhas. You stop thinking thoughts in those terms of being some thing like your consciousness or identifying something as your self, but, despite that "view" you still experience those things as your own in experience until they are trained away over a long time. The question "what gets reborn" or "what holds progress" are thinking about it the wrong way in a sense. One has to go back to the understanding that the meditative awareness experience is primary, even in those unaware of it. The container reference is replaced with the [this] experience. The self has been pulled back in a similar way to other traditions that the ego and identification with the objects of the mind, that which can be held by awareness and seen as impermanent, are not the self. Karma is a continuous stream of causally linked events is acting in response to the volitional elements in experience. Death should be seen as another event in the cause&effect stream; it is the dissolution of the skandhas but the effect of the clinging to them is that they reform in a new birth. If you think of death as what the meditative experience would postulate, there would be the falling away of phenomena, the falling away of the skandha, but then as they disappear there'd be the clinging to them, and as such conscious experience would again arise as an effect for them to cling to. In terms of progress there would be a link between the progress you make and the capacity in the next rebirth, achieving the first progress means only rebirth in to the human realm from now on; one could see that meaning with the capacity or conditions that allow further progress. The self as you progress I guess can be whittled down to the capacity to feel still neutrality/joy of experience and the intention towards the unconditioned, both of which are experiences in motion/process. None of that is an eternal "self"; that's why they use the description of a flame passing from candle to candle. You do get in to the enlightenment stuff though like Buddha existing without the same kind of consciousness or perception, there's still lots of that. There's all kinds of different competing buddhist explanations from different traditions about karma works and stuff which is more mystical I'm just giving the perspective I tried to construct. I guess my point was that maybe we don't need to believe in rebirth but knowing the kind of mindset allows a pinpointing of what is to be let go of. The study of the jhana and mindfulness without all the rest is meant to lead to a still neutrality or mild joy in this life, which people seek. For focusing it's just for depression I can relate to the negative focus of seeking end of rebirth more than a desire for meditative joy in this life, despite its possibility in that path. Alleviation from the mental states should happen at one point if I seek the same path of rebirth seeking, I'm still just scraping together bits and pieces over the years.
Do you guys really believe this Buddhist crap?
>>1335 At some point you are open to anything that might make you feel better. From my experience buddhist stuff seems to stick around in the mind more than the other religious escapisms, any escape is an escape.
>>1335 Why do you think it's crap? Is there any specific criticism you'd make or does it just boil down to the typical "I can't see or feel it so it isn't real" type of materialistic (or whatever the right word is) view? What I'm getting at is do you think any sort of spiritual/immaterial sort of thing is crap, and why? I'm not trying to defend it specifically but I'd rather discussion be more than just calling something fake and gay and leaving it at that.
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>>1313 >But I get older and every year I find more and more difficult having to interact with people, doesn't matter how much experience I have. Can you elaborate on this, if you don't mind? I find myself not really wanting to get to know the vast majority of people myself. I am already feeling and anticipating this will only become more and more difficult with age. Trust me, man. I still don't feel like the whole normalfag life blueprint is for me or is something I actively work towards. There's a few things I am passionate about and there's family members I genuinely enjoy the company of that keep me around for a little while longer. I'm just really grateful I can actually DO things now. Like, just the feeling of having the resources to order a vial of Nembutal and then some if the need ever arises is such liberating feeling. Just kind trudging and improving without any sort "endgame" for myself.
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>>1338 Sure. When I was a teen I was an awkward individual without experience in relations with humans, so I thought, as everyone thought, it was a matter of exposition to such relations to get used to it. As I grew up I got such exposition, it was a requirement for adult life, to study, work, etc. So I reached the point of being used to it, but my feelings about it didn't improve. Now I don't feel uncomfortable because I lack experience, but because I dislike human relations for what they are, as I understand them better and notice things I didn't notice before. And as I grow older I get more tired of it, of doing things I dislike just because they are required for some reason, so I keep my efforts to the minimum. I have less energy and patience with every year. I just need some days of total solitude to feel reasonably happy. Even the slightest interaction can sometimes upset or depress me. It's like I'm growing to become the old crazy hermit archetype.
>>1337 >do you think any sort of spiritual/immaterial sort of thing is crap, and why? Religion and other spiritual stuff is designed to essentially help humans cope with the world. I don't mean this in a nihilistic or edgy way, but there isn't a big endgame for our lives. Asides from our biological duties, there is no real purpose for existence on any other level. We aren't here because an almighty maker has a plan for each and every one of us or to use this world as a way to ascend to the next level of consciousness. There's nothing. Fuck all. That's not to say I'm an atheist nor am I against religion - if I had to assign myself a label I would definitely describe myself as agnostic; religions are still quite fascinating to study and the more scientific approaches to 'rationalise' them are quite interesting too. But with that said fuck Buddhism. It's such an unbelievably insidious religion (yes, fuck you, it IS a religion) posited by hippies, beatniks and other drug-addled filth, along with pseudo-intellectuals and lazy manchildren. Buddhism is the complete antithesis of the ideals and values of other religions, instead valuing a selfish worldview (only you can save yourself, so fuck everyone else and only work on yourself) and creating a lazy and apathetic approach to life (just sit back and do nothing, detach yourself from your fellow man, it will help you reach enlightenment). I've had the misfortune of meeting Buddhists and they're always the same type of cowardly, self-centered, arrogant people that love to have a counter-argument for everything. A Buddhist always has to be right because they consider themselves superior to those that are unaware of what they consider a universal truth. It's such pretentious shite and those that shill it are always the same narcissistic rich types that can afford and love to devote every waking moment to themselves. I also cannot respect any way of thought that doesn't advocate growing a spine.
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>>1340 That's okay, but thinking like that isn't akin to hating something because you dislike the fanbase? We're talking about thousands of years, multiple and completely different, sometimes opposite, traditions, a rich culture in texts, art, practices. And you reffer to "hippies and beatniks", what importance those people have in buddhism history?
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I never used to like sleeping because I always had so much to be occupied with that sleeping almost felt a waste of time. This past year I have completely thrown away and achieved nothing, nothing to show for this past year at all. Now I struggle to get out of bed and seem to enjoy those blissful hours of nothingness. When I am awake I spend my hours sat at a computer instead of my hobbies, squandering my once precious time and rotting my brain. I feel so guilty about what I've become but the motivation to change has slowly dissipated .
>>1345 What you wanted to achieve in the first place?
>>1334 Thanks for typing all that out to explain to me. I owe you an apology. I should not have put you on the spot there by needling you with questions like that. I'm sorry, it's a bad habit of mine to make comments and questions even when I know nothing about the subject and would do better to hold back and be quiet until I have educated myself sufficiently. Again I apologize.
>>1349 It wasn't a problem dude don't worry.
>>1345 I slept for twelve hours last night then followed it up with a five hour nap on the couch today. I feel pretty disgusted with myself, I know I needed some extra sleep but not that much. It's just so hard to wake up when there's no reason to.
>>1382 I'm so jealous. Last night I only slept from midnight to 4am. Then I slept a bit more from about 8am to 11am. I wish I could just sleep all the time, sleeping is like a holiday from this awful world but my body won't even let me have that.
>>1383 I have a hard time falling asleep sometimes. Like I'll lay in bed for thirty minutes before finally shutting down. But yeah, once I'm asleep I can be dead to the world for ten to twelve hours.
>>1384 It used to be like that for me but I can't do it anymore, I wake up without sleeping enough and then that's it. Sucks when I get really stressed out and need the sleep but instead am tormented by wakefulness.
>>1385 Maybe it could be a diet thing. I eat a lot of starchy food which makes me tired all the time but probably helps with my sleep.
>>1384 I need to lay for hours before I can fall sleep. After 3 or 4 hours sometimes I even have to give up because it's impossible. Other times I wake up after only sleeping 2 or 3 hours. I'm a living dead the rest of the day.
>>1387 Do you mean like potatoes and stuff? You're probably onto something anyway. A few years ago my sleep was totally broken, I could barely get to sleep and then woke every 15-60 minutes every single night even though I felt like a zombie. And changing what I ate and taking some vitamins improved things somewhat but not fully. >>1388 I really hope it gets better for you
>>1388 It takes me hours too, and i wake up a lot of times. But I can't get out of the bed if i don't sleep enough. I hate that i spend half of my day in bed because of that shit.
>>1389 >Do you mean like potatoes Yes, potatoes in particular. They'll boost your serotonin levels which will make you feel nice and sleepy.
>>1394 Weird. I have actually been eating potatoes quite a bit lately to try to get the nutrients in them, roasted with a bit of coconut oil. A couple of times I felt sleepy but other times not so much. My body must be really broken at this point.
>>1348 I want to escape, I've spent my whole life trying to escape from this world. It pains me to know I will never get to explore a Tolkien-esque world, travel across the stars, or just live in the middle of the woods far away from any form of civilisation, that instead I will have to live and die in this awful place of misery and filth.
>>1402 Escape from what? I have similar feelings, sometimes I dream about being someone else in a different place or from the past and it's like all the weight I'm carrying disappears. I think it gets worse as I grow older.
>>1405 This reality. This life. >sometimes I dream about being someone else in a different place or from the past and it's like all the weight I'm carrying disappears. I think it gets worse as I grow older. I know what you mean, I find its getting worse with age too. I've always had a strong imagination too, which doesn't help.
Managed to increase my sleep up to 9-10 hours for like 5 or 6 days in a row. I think a couple of days I got 11 hours. It's such a relief to not be awake all that time. Wish I could get to 12+ consistently.
>>1438 Impressive! Do you find yourself more refreshed or does all that sleeping tire you out?
>>1445 Mostly just relaxed and waking up not feeling very stressed about anything. If only I could stay like that all day.
I think this is it. I haven't felt clearer in months and I'm going to go through with killing myself. It sounds strange to type these words but I really can't go on with this facade anymore. I wish each and every one of you the best.
>>1462 I'm really sorry that things turned out for you this way.
>>1462 Good luck anon. I hope it goes, or went, well for you.
>>1462 You're never going to see this, but I just wanted to say that your life mattered.
>>1462 Oblivion eternal upon you, if everything went well and there's no rub.
>>1462 Wishing you peace in the next world brother
Are we doomed to end this way, our numbers dwindling until no mages are left? It's all so sad.
>>1473 I hope not, but as sad as it is, I can't promise that I won't do the same. I hope I can at least try to improve my life soon, but if I don't succeed, I don't know if I will be able to survive. My energy levels have been terrible. Just trying not to be depressed takes a lot of effort, and everything keeps getting worse and draining it more and more.
>>1474 I really hope things get better for you soon.
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>>1475 I hope that's the case too, but it's hard to even believe that when they basically have never improved and everything seems to indicate that the world is about to enter another recession when there hasn't even been a recovery from the last one. I just wish that I could protect myself from the horrible future to come, but even that is too much to ask. Anyway, I feel better today, at least. If only I could remember how to have fun, so it would be easier to ignore just how bad my situation is. Maybe one day.
>>1473 It's not as sad as losing mana.
>>1476 I know for sure the world (our western world) is going to shit eventually. Actually it's already going to shit, I just don't know what speed the process will take. It could be in 40 years or next year, or it could be an slow process were things degrade little by little like it has been happening since 2007. I always had this idea of finding a little place to hide from the shitstorm and somehow survive with a minimum, kinda like Ted Kaczinsky did for years, but maybe it's just a delusion I have made to cope with the dread. What's your situation, by the way?
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>>1478 It is for sure. All that money printing is going to have consequences for the entire world, and I don't think society can keep moving in this direction forever, it's simply not sustainable. Every system collapses eventually, and there is no reason to believe that this one, of all systems, would last forever, when it is so bad. Anyway, Ted Kaczinsky did nothing wrong. And I do want to hide as well (from the evils of society and maybe the disasters that could be coming, I haven't seen much yet but I have been watching stuff about the next magnetic flip of the poles, and I have been worried about the next Carrington event for quite a while as well), though I would hide with the technology that I like, that isn't going to monitor and control me. But I would also like not to be alone, in that situation. It already takes a lot of effort to not go crazy from solitude, because there are so few people that I like even online (especially when places like this have become very rare and inactive), and I certainly couldn't tolerate that forever. I used to not even feel that, but I guess I am human after all, it eventually got to me, and now I am in pain and feel how harmful it is to be completely alone. My situation is that I am stuck in a poor area full of people that are my antithesis in every way, so I can't function in society and even if I worked, it wouldn't change things all that much for me. I want to leave, but as you can imagine, things haven't been going so well. Meanwhile, the isolation is crushing me and my living conditions are deteriorating because things keep breaking and not being replaced, the infrastructure only gets worse, and buying anything before leaving would be more expensive than it should be and foolish in general, and because of that, there are so many things that I want to do but can't. Thankfully, I do have some savings, but I can't waste them, and I am terrified that the economy won't survive before I can use them to get things that will be pay off in the long term. Anyway, I am always fearing and feeling anxious about the future, regretting the past, and feeling guilty for even attempting to enjoy the present. It is hell, though I guess I should at least be thankful that I wasn't born in the 2010s.
>>1479 I don't think solitude can be that bad. I've been in a situation of isolation before, even without internet, and I was more or less at peace. All harm usually comes from being around people, actually. I know they always say humans are social animals but they are also supposed to be heterosexual or have all their limbs in place and that's not always the case, what applies to a majority doesn't necessary applies to yourself as an individual. I'm also used to live in a mental hell of anxiety and guilt, but you can't really live like that forever. I just want to live with a minimum and in relative peace, if after trying all I can that's impossible then at some point I'll get out. We need to be free and keep having power over our own lifes or we're truly doomed. There's no point in a life of fear and suffering, even if you manage to survive somehow.
>>1480 I used to feel that way, and in fact, I thought that I preferred solitude and that I would never need anyone else. When I was forced to be around other people, I hated it. It overwhelmed my senses, annoyed me, and I didn't get anything out of it other than stress. Even in recent times, being around others only makes me feel more alone because I'm nothing like them and their presence is a nuisance and makes me feel uncomfortable, and like I'm an alien. Still, after being alone for a very long time, it started to affect me negatively, especially when the internet could no longer compensate for it. Now I have been alone for over 10 years, haven't stepped outside even once in over half a year, and even before that, I couldn't form connections with others and would spend all of my time in isolation when I had a choice, so really, it has been almost 30 years. The internet compensated for it to some extent for a long time, but it also made me realize that there are people that I do like out there, even if there are very few of them, and even if they are difficult to find, especially when I tend to like people that don't like people. Of course, maybe this is not always the case, maybe there are exceptions that really can live alone forever, but in my case, I was denying my own needs, simply because solitude was preferable to the alternatives that were available.
>>1481 If you know that for sure about yourself then there's little to say. I feel a little bad because you have a life experience I could only compare with a short time in mine so I'm not really entitled to giving advice in that matter. Honestly, I can't say I know the same a and with the same certainty about myself; I always had this fear that someday I would wake up old and feel like I wasted my life, but in last years I've been more and more convinced I don't want any people around me. But I don't have any kind of confidence so I doubt about everything, even my strongest beliefs. Still, it has to be that way or I'm definitively fucked, there's no alternative. Though at the end of the day what really matters are your material conditions, if you don't have those granted I doubt you could have too much place for anything else in our mind.
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>>1482 >I always had this fear that someday I would wake up old and feel like I wasted my life Oh, you too? I have that exact same fear. I can see and feel it happening in my mind, so clearly, and it is horrifying. Dying unfulfilled, feeling like I wasted my time and suffered for nothing. In the past, I thought that enjoying myself until the day I died would be a good enough existence, but then that enjoyment slowly faded and it was replaced by a growing sense of emptiness and lack of purpose, and I realized that I can't be my own reason for living because I don't even care about myself, and doing things for my own well-being was always difficult because that is simply not enough to motivate me. The internet also made me realize that there are people that I can care about out there, and that I would die for any online stranger that I happen to like because my life has no value and at least that would make me feel like I existed for a reason. I think I changed because of age, and because I had so much time to think and to actually be alone and just distract myself all day. Not that I wasted all of my time, I did learn a lot, though eventually my mental health deteriorated to the point that I had to learn how to at least manage my stress and try to control my feeling and no abuse myself too much, or I wouldn't be able to stay alive. Anyway, I relate to the thing about beliefs. To me, all ideas are experimental and you should try to find both truth and falsehood in everything you see. I am not all that emotionally attached to ideas in general and I am not afraid of being proven wrong. Nothing is truly certain. Even if you debate people online and always win, that means nothing. I have discussed a lot of subjects with a lot of people online in the past, and I was wrong about a lot of things that I said, but they failed to make good enough arguments against them. Also, I watch other people debate everything, and typically, both sides are wrong, and arguing about the same things forever, just repeating the same things that they heard from other people over and over again, and not making obvious points that should end the entire discussion because they are not actually coming up with their own ideas. It's very easy to be wrong. I am fully aware of my ability to be wrong about everything, and there is no reason to dismiss the possibility that all of my ideas still suck or are still too unrefined. Though I believe that I have improved over time, and the me from a year or two ago looks less stupid as time passes. Oh, and if there is any advice that I can give people is that you should always at least be learning something (and let your hobbies lead you to related interests, because that's how I got into other things), even if it's very slowly and you don't put much effort into it, so that you can look back later on and not feel like you wasted your time. I look back, and I did gain a surprising amount of knowledge and skills in the last few years. I was really slow, I'm not that impressive by my own standards, and I admit that I have a hard time being productive because I don't enjoy anything all that much anymore, but I'm glad that at least I did something, other than general personal growth, because at least I am now reasonably competent. As underwhelming as I think my growth is and even though I feel guilty for not doing more, I can look at the average person and see that they don't even do that, they never improve in any way, and somehow, I am more interesting than most people despite being a generally unhappy hermit.
>>1483 You're somehow lucky. I never found that kind of people, not even in the internet. That feeling of being alien I know well, but I never found a true respite from it, not even here or similar places with fellow "losers". I always thought if I could find a single person I could truly like I could devote myself to it, to find the motivation you talk about since I'm also not too fond of myself, but that's not going to happen and I'm not particularly likeable either. But that means freedom too, I try to think in those terms.
>>1484 I still don't even have one friend and I haven't made any progress in life since I graduated from high school, and I'm almost 30 and hate my life, so I don't know if it's lucky. But I guess it is good that I have certain traits, it's better than nothing. I don't think there is anything inherently terrible about how I am, it's just that I am always a fish out of water no matter where I go and that guaranteed that I would suffer a lot. Online, I just randomly talked to a few people that I liked over the years, by pure coincidence, and failed to get any contact information because I never take the initiative, so I'm still completely isolated. And that is only because I posted a lot in a lot of places. Places like this are the only reliable way of talking to people that don't annoy me, though.
>>1485 Well, I'm already 35 if that consoles you. Have you found any rational explanation to this situation of ours ("always a fish out of water")? At least in my case it isn't a merely "I'm not at ease with normal people", I feel that way like 100% of the time, even when sometimes I can act relatively normal due to practice. It's like I'm always faking, in every single interaction I have with others I feel like I'm acting and that makes me uncomfortable since they could catch me. What really bothers me is not knowing clearly why this happens. If someone told me, it's because you have a brain malfunction, you're an schizoid or whatever convincing explanation I could trust, I think I would feel a lot better about it.
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>>1486 Well, I am legitimately autistic, so my mind has its own way of functioning. Only diagnosed as an adult, unfortunately (or maybe not, there is no way to know), but it is the case according to a professional, not that I am all that impressed by that because I know that it's a dubious field in the first place, and most people in any field are not all that competent. Maybe that is your case as well, considering that every autistic person has to learn how to interact with people normally, because we are not wired to just do what other people do, so we have to do it consciously, and realize how fake it is. A lot of people online wrote about that, it's really not that uncommon. Schizoids probably overlap with autists quite a bit, so even if they are two different things, they are still related. I personally don't go out of my way to seem normal because there is no reason to. In the past, I was incapable of doing it, but now I just realize that doing it only attracts judgemental people that care about things that don't matter, and that I want nothing to do with. People that I want to repel anyway. It would also make me less interesting, so that's another reason to not be like them. I just don't care about their arbitrary rules and expectations and I refuse to be fake, because it makes me feel uncomfortable, and it is also counterproductive because people that wouldn't like who I really am should dislike me, since I want them to go away. Looking normal makes no sense, because it's not what I am, so it would be misleading. Frankly, I see normalcy itself as the most diseased mental state that someone can be in. It is normal to be completely mind-controlled by external sources, to want what you are told to want and to do whatever everyone else is doing, against your own well-being. Essentially, it is normal to be a slave. That is objectively not good, and normalfags never wake up from it. My tendency is to see them as an actual hive mind controlled by a bunch of psychopaths, and by occult forces beyond their control. Meat machines that are designed for slavery and programmed to attack anyone that is different from them, people that are not part being controlled by the same thought forms. Anyway, the programming that other people are so susceptible to simply doesn't work on me and I won't pretend that it does. I ultimately don't care about whether or not they like me either. I want to do what is right, and what I think is cool, and associate only with people that I like, not with the masses. Anyway, if people make you feel uncomfortable, it's just because you can tell just how fake they are. The way that normal people interact with each other is incredibly artificial. They can't notice it because they are built for that, and they can't really notice anything. I barely even see them as conscious beings, everything that they do is nonsense. And society is becoming increasingly more oppressive and hostile to people that don't want to lose all freedom and be enslaved. Anyway, if this post is poorly structured, it's because I spent too many hours reading manga. Having a hard time thinking straight now.
>>1483 >I would die for any online stranger that I happen to like because my life has no value and at least that would make me feel like I existed for a reason I have felt more camaraderie with anons than with anyone I've met in real life. I know we all have self-image issues or whatever it's called where you feel like you're worthless, but I would probably take a bullet for any mage here. I think of you guys as brothers, or something like that.
>>1488 Pretty much. My life also lacks any purpose and I don't care about myself very much, so sacrificing it for any good reason would be a simple way of retroactively giving it value. It would also eliminate that fear of living a purposeless life and dying of old age without ever having a considerable positive impact (I have attempted to help people online, but I never get to see the results, or whether or not I really helped at all), living a long life of suffering for no reason, and no payoff.
You know what, I actually had a great cause in my life. Except it was fictional. There's a long story in my head, created over so many years, almost 20. It's the fundation of the last great belief of humanity, or maybe just some fools playing around, because there's an enormous ambiguity in it too. I have the characters, the scenes, the meanings and even the music. After all those years it almost seems real to me, like all that happened or it will happen, it's symbolism feels like the cross for christians or the star of david for jews. I never talked about this to anyone and I don't know why I'm doing it now. I guess it's merely a long thought process crystallized over long time of isolation without any value for anyone other than myself. Henry Darger had something like that, but he was a really talented man.
>>1490 I always had an internal world too, except mine is pretty bad, nothing that I would even talk about, and it just absorbed things that I became interested in over time. As a kid, I would frequently spend hours on that, just imagining things, and there was a continuity to it. I still do it when I'm not doing anything else. My imagination is very strong, so it's easy to get lost in my own thoughts in general. Maybe someone here does the things that I do as well. Sometimes I am doing something on auto-pilot while thinking about something, but I get lost in my own mind and I stop walking without realizing it, my body stops moving entirely and just stands still because I forgot about reality. People have interrupted it in the past because it freaked them out and it looked like there was something wrong with me, I guess. It's annoying when they do, it feels bad, like someone waking you up from a good dream. I legitimately forget about reality sometimes, and coming back feels very strange, like I am actually coming back to a different world. It's kinda like waking up, but not exactly the same. When I read things for quite a while, I also feel very detached from reality when I stop. Anyway, it's definitely the autism. Oh, and reading or thinking about terrible things gives me horrific visions, so that's a downside. It tends to be a very bad idea for me to read too much about diseases too, and see pictures of them, because it can make me faint, and that happened a few times. When it does, I have to lay down (unless I already involuntarily fell to the ground) and with the understanding that there is nothing wrong with me, I can go back to normal if I wait a little bit and think about other things. In the past, that would make me have a panic attack, but now I understand those, and that nothing is really happening and there is no reason to panic, so they don't happen anymore. And I do feel pain when I see wounds too. Even if it's just a description, it still causes me pain.
>>1490 Good to know I'm not the only one. But my character slowly turned into a shut in NEET. Really shows how fucked up I am if my fantasy world isn't even any different than my life.
My dog died. He was 18. I am very sad. I'm truly alone now. I'm gonna go and make him a coffin and dig a grave all night long.
>>1500 >make him a coffin and dig a grave Crazy, I thought vets usually cremate animals. Just don't go and bury him in any Indian burial grounds mage. Sometimes, dead is better.
>>1500 That's sad. I remember when my childhood dog died, I had grown up with him since I was a baby. I don't think I've even cried or gotten emotional about any death but his. Dogs are better than people, they're sincere friends. RIP Anonymage's dog.
>>1503 >don't think I've even cried or gotten emotional about any death but his. Funny, I'm the same way. I hardly ever think about my dead grandmother but I constantly think about my dead pet dog. What I would do to scratch that dog's head one more time.
>small quiet Youtube channel >have mutual comment exchanges with some other small channels >years of complimenting cat vids, music vids, etc >overnight one guy deletes all his comments on my vids >comment on his first vid in a while, say something about nice weather >he deletes my comment Normally stuff like this doesn't bug me, but... I don't know. Sorry for greentxt
The internet seems to be so rotten, angry, and unpleasant these days. Just being a depressed loser wanting to be happy and for others to be happy seems so rare in the face of the anger out there now.
>>1520 I think it's normal to be bothered by something like that, especially if you thought you got along with him, but you should remind yourself that it's probably not your fault. Maybe he wanted to forget some time period and you happen to be part of it, or perhaps he's just going a bit loopy, or something. >>1521 I have been thinking the same for a long time, and in the end I think it reflects real life. So many people just seem unbelievably quick to anger and seem to treat others as an obstacle to be cleared in any way possible. I think it's just the way things are these days, things are so bad (even though good on paper) that people just inevitably get more and more stressed and then try to take it out on others.
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>>1521 >>1522 Yes, but even now, I don't think people are angry enough considering what reality is like, and that they are doing nothing about it. We are in the early stages of a global dictatorship, and most people somehow haven't realized that yet, and are still fighting over trivial distractions. And potentially being poisoned and destined to die in the near future. These are dark times. Make sure that you are getting all your vitamins and don't trust the establishment. I want people that I like to survive, and it turns out that those people can't handle society and end up becoming hikkis too (not surprising that compatible people would end up in similar situations). I think about the well-being of people that I have talked to online a lot (no one to care about in reality). Constantly worried about that, but talking about it feels inappropriate and I kinda fear the reaction. Even thinking about it, I have to hold in my tears. I don't care about most people, but I would die for any random online stranger that I happened to talk to and like. I have always spent a lot of time looking at the future and being afraid of it, but I have to say that I have never been this terrified, by anything. I don't care that much about myself, but I don't want people that I like to suffer. Or even that I could potentially like. My present situation may not be great, but it almost doesn't matter anymore, considering all that.
>>1521 The internet in general has gotten so much worse the past five years. I can't even find half the content I use to enjoy, everything has gotten so corporatized and sterile. And mean, like you said.
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i feel like im irreversibly distancing myself from the rest of the world. ive always believed in things like niceness and kindness, and ive always told myself its over when you stop caring, evil wins when you stop caring but soon ill stop caring completely, its impossible to care like this. sometimes i can hear my shoulder devil whisper "no one cares about you, why should you care about anyone else", its very tempting to say the least. programming is all there is in my head and i just want to be as good at it as possible. i spend all day every day studying alone, i dont listen to music masturbate or talk to anyone its just reading and practicing every waking moment, im rewiring my brain completely. it feels like a faustian bargain. i know im not supposed to do this ,but im hopeless and feel abandoned, i failed at life or maybe it was life that failed me i dont know, i think if i had a real chance from the start i wouldnt do this, there would be no reason to and i would be merrily walking on the same path as everyone else by now, but i dont think i can "make it" no matter what i do now, the cards ive been dealt are too bad. im moving to my own world, my life in this world is over. i feel like i dont exist here anymore. im completely free in my own world, im very glad i can finally be myself, but its very alone.
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>>1550 >"no one cares about you, why should you care about anyone else" My own version of this is "you don't even care about yourself, why should you care about others?". But truth is, I never cared about others to start with. It's not despite or hate, there's nothing of that, or a sense of entitled elitism like you can see often. It's pure indifference and alienation. My whole ideology and ideas about the world can be resumed in a few bleak latin proverbs. There's no sense of right or wrong, nothing is deserved, it's just the brutal face of reality. Loneliness is a bless and being able to retire to your own world a wonderful dream. You seem to be immersed in a classic schizoid dilemma (if you don't know about it, read, it sounds exactly like what you explained), but in all honesty the real problem there is being awaken by hunger, bills that need to be paid and a horrible future of homeless life.
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>classic schizoid dilemma (if you don't know about it, read, it sounds exactly like what you explained) im not cold, its other people that are. just look at this culture. videogames tiktok onlyfans reddit youtube vtubers streamers drugs anime. people dancing in front of phone cameras and taking pictures of everything. all is sex, politics and memes, theres nothing else. everyone likes giving their opinions about things they have never read a book about, telling others what to do and think. it seems the average persons vocabulary has dwindled to a mere 500 words, half of which coined in the last two decades. all that matters is appearances. everyone is toxic and insulting. i like scrolling through imageboard threads, reading youtube commets etc. its all mesmerizing. theyre all aggressive. i cant imagine doing that sort of thing. most of all everyone behaves in concert, like they know what theyre supposed to do and say at all times. i dont even know what im supposed to think. i just want to minimize my presence in this world as much as possible, i want to live in my own world as much as possible, i used to think people just have to be trusted and if you trust them they will bring out their true selves and everyone is kind at heart but people only become more openly hostile with each year, my impression is that at heart, well theres no heart and everyone is superficial and they just want to fap and cum a lot to hentai and shut themselves in gated communities and spread gossip on kiwifarms and laugh at random videos and people. how can you not be scared of this. i used to believe in "turn the other cheek" but it just made me waste my whole life getting slapped for nothing. im just very very happy i found programming. im very good at it, im very proud of my skills, i get so many compliments and positive feedback its annoying, now suddenly everyone is very nice to me, people want to work on projects with me. i get introduced to persons, and they tell me they have heard wonders about me. i can get by in this world being myself, i dont have to fit in anywhere or pretend to be someone im not anymore. i dont care about anything else. i dont want friends i dont want to play videogames i dont want to watch anime. i want to make a lot of money but only because it will enable me to work on increasingly better projects. every day is just studying and writing code. i dont ever talk to anyone. every day is spent all alone with text editors, terminals and pdfs. i think a normal person couldnt survive 20 minutes of my average day, the loneliness and more importantly the sheer amount of mental processing would quickly drive them to madness and suicide. and ive never been happier before. my life is over. i had no idea it would end like this. in the end im free but alone. i can do absolutely anything i can imagine, but im living in a world separate from others. i used to think id be able to gap the differences between myself and others, and be accepted somewhere even if inside im different. im giving up on that, its impossible because of that very raw reality youve talked about, for me its paramount to failing at life and dying inside myself.
Do you feel hatred for reality? I don't mean reality as in your specific life circumstances, I mean everything as it "really" is or could be. I do. I have never loved or cared for anything in this world that was not fictional or fake. Artistic fictions and the lies in them are some of the only things that have ever made the constant discomfort of living abate. Yet I don't want those stories, aesthetics, or ideas to supersede and become the new real, I love them only for their unreality. They can shift and change, be better and more beautiful and right than anything real ever could be. Everything about reality makes me feel diseased. It's as if I am a strange creature that was meant to live in a shining phantasmagorical dream but was spirited away and instead imprisoned in this horrible ugly dungeon of reality. The best I could "realistically" hope for in this world is to sleep and dream until my death, but even that feeble hope can't/won't be realized. I hate this place.
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>>1557 I think trees, stars, animals, nature are great as they are in reality. Also some architecture, works of art, even some simpler things. Now humans, their relations, our everyday existence and "the fucking regularness of life", that's awful. That's the part of reality I have to truly live in and it makes me sick, it's like it slowly kills me like having AIDS. I also have this feeling of being able to feel through movies, fiction, but when it comes to reality it's fake and cheap. I could cry over an emotional episode in some anime or some movie, but then I feel nothing but nausea, depression or indifference in front of anything real life can throw to me. Even my own thoughts, when they get out of my mind (a rare event) it's like they become deformed and feel like the work of someone else who didn't do a particularly good job with them. I think all this happens because some kind of strong dissociation.
Not that this matters all I'm basically typing this for no one but myself because I know I'm just attention whoring and have no guts but I hope one day maybe I won't be such a coward and finally end this worthless existence, I'm such a feeble retarded piece of shit. Yesterday coming home from work after a shitty day some Chad in a challenger was tail gaiting me even though I was going 70 in a 45 he swirves around me like I'm going super slow so I pull up in the other lane beside him and he swerves 3 and a half feet into my lane and tries to hit me so I swerved hit a curb and fucked up my car and the police are telling me even though I have his license plate make and model of his car and they know who he is I'm fucked because I didn't just let him slam into me which would've totaled my car. I'm so tired of the world we live in everyday I remember when I was a kid I was always taught if you're nice to people and don't do anything wrong you'll have a wonderful life I wish I never would've fallen for that, I hate myself so much.
>>1586 You're not alone in those thoughts. Driving always gave me enormous anxiety, I crashed two cars and I haven't touched one in more than 5 years. I still have my license but at this point it's completely useless.
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So many years have passed of not getting the help that I needed to become a functional adult. What's funny is that for the years I've seen psychiatrists, not one of them understood what was really going on with me. The lawyer I had during my disability hearing seemed to understand exactly what was going on: "For you, the world is a scary place. Isn't it?" To which I replied, "Yes." I don't have friends or anyone that I get along with. Nobody has my back except for the few left in my family that have decided to keep in touch with me. Indeed, the world is frightening. Especially when the odds are working against you.
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>>337 This has started happening to me some time ago as well, along with occasionally drifting off into deep thoughts of yearning for death, wondering when my life and existence will finally end. I then snap out of it and resume whatever I was doing. >>1063 Be glad that you don't know how bad things truly are, because if you did you would go insane like I went. Ignorance is bliss. >>1318 >>1323 Get into meditation fellow mages, get into it as soon as you can, before you become so depressed that you will lose the motivation to try it. I used to be part of an online occultist / Quasi-Gnostic group a couple years ago and meditation was one of our practices, its very beneficial, you don't need to subscribe to any dogma or idea to do it. If I wasn't stuck in such a shitty living place, I wouldn't be depressed anymore. >If you don't mind, could you tell me the basics of your meditation practice? >In regards to actual meditative techniques I have knowledge of the only one I've ever really tried was the breathing awareness one. Breathing awareness alone won't do anyone any good whatsoever. You need an object to focus your being upon. Combine clearing your mind, breathing awareness and then thinking about nothing else but an object of meditation, such as the light of the sun, the waves of the ocean, the trees of the forests, or a god you might happen to like. I also strongly recommend looking into authentic Sanskrit mantras and using them. If you genuinely and eagerly give it a try, it will help you the same way it helped me to a certain extent. >>1335 >>1340 I understand exactly how you feel. The truth is Buddhism is a religion that has been distorted and twisted to quite an extent, although I'm not willing to explain this in depth because I do not wish to debate, teach and explain religion, esotericism and spirituality, and I doubt that I will ever change my mind about this because this world is a lost cause. >Religion and other spiritual stuff is designed to essentially help humans cope with the world. I don't mean this in a nihilistic or edgy way, but there isn't a big endgame for our lives. Asides from our biological duties, there is no real purpose for existence on any other level. We aren't here because an almighty maker has a plan for each and every one of us or to use this world as a way to ascend to the next level of consciousness. There's nothing. Fuck all. That's not to say I'm an atheist nor am I against religion - if I had to assign myself a label I would definitely describe myself as agnostic; religions are still quite fascinating to study and the more scientific approaches to 'rationalise' them are quite interesting too. You're probably not gonna believe this, but things din't used to be this way. Religion, spirituality and even magic were all real and tangible things, a very long time ago. Humanity did had a purpose, but then horrendous things started happening, and that changed everything. Many heroes have tried to revert those changes and reclaim our glorious birthrights, but unfortunately they all failed because unlike what you're taught in childhood stories, good does not always prevails against evil at the end of the story. I'm not going to elaborate further on this, it's not healthy for people to know certain truths about this world. >But with that said fuck Buddhism. It's such an unbelievably insidious religion (yes, fuck you, it IS a religion) You have no idea how right about this you really are, contemporary Buddhism is anti-life. But like I said, it did not always used to be this way. >>1462 Godspeed anonymage, I hope your soul is truly resting in peace. I will do the same thing eventually, I'm sure of it. >>1473 Its sad, but its not any sadder than living a miserable life that you're unable to change. If you can improve your life and live it for as long as you can, go for it. If you can't, we all know what comes next. >>1483 >Pic Terry was a great man who deserved so much better. > The internet also made me realize that there are people that I can care about out there, and that I would die for any online stranger that I happen to like because my life has no value and at least that would make me feel like I existed for a reason. >>1488 >>1523 I would fight tooth & nail for the welfare of a fellow anonymages, this place is one among many bastions of real brotherhood left in this world. All of you are great men. >We are in the early stages of a global dictatorship, and most people somehow haven't realized that yet and are still fighting over trivial distractions. And potentially being poisoned and destined to die in the near future. These are dark times. Make sure that you are getting all your vitamins and don't trust the establishment. Good to see an anonymage with his eyes truly open. Follow his advice people, he is right.
>>1524 I'm going to quote my own post here >>1592 >All the hostility between members of what's supposed to be communities meant for like-minded people is depressing. A lot of people just resort to confrontational and aggressive behavior right off the bat. Its like that line in the Joker movie about people shouting and being angry all the time, no longer being nice and civil to each other anymore. >>1557 >>1564 >Do you feel hatred for reality? I don't mean reality as in your specific life circumstances, I mean everything as it "really" is or could be. I do. Yes, check the first picture and you will see how I feel about our reality. >Everything about reality makes me feel diseased. It's as if I am a strange creature that was meant to live in a shining phantasmagorical dream but was spirited away and instead imprisoned in this horrible ugly dungeon of reality. >That's the part of reality I have to truly live in and it makes me sick, it's like it slowly kills me That's because this reality has been hijacked and converted into a prison designed to grind us down. You have no idea how truthful and accurate your words are. >>1586 >Not that this matters all I'm basically typing this for no one but myself because I know I'm just attention whoring and have no guts but I hope one day maybe I won't be such a coward and finally end this worthless existence I have tried killing myself a series of times, all of them close but no cigar but each one getting an inch closer and closer to success. Problem is, with my very limited resources and barely any freedom, I have struck a dead end and there's not much left to try now that isn't excruciatingly painful and slow as shit. I'm so tired of it all that I have been thinking on stabbing my jugular or the carotid artery. I'm very afraid of doing that but the courage is building up with each day that passes, the thought is even keeping me awake when I go to bed and try to fall asleep. >I remember when I was a kid I was always taught if you're nice to people and don't do anything wrong you'll have a wonderful life I wish I never would've fallen for that, I hate myself so much. Don't hate yourself for that, because that's precisely how this world was originally designed to function, its not your fault that this kind of advice has been passed down from generation to generation, nobody is really at blame for these outdated ideas that are still circulating to this day and age because they were forced into pitch black darkness about what has truly happened to this world. >>1591 Psychology and psychiatry are a scam, they're not interested in helping you, but in keeping you dependent on their clinics, offices and addictive plus destructive "medications", and they're also not truly taught on how to really help you either. On top of that, shrinks are rumored to gossip about their patients and laugh about them in private, although this is apparently more common among the succubi ones and male shrinks don't tend to engage in this childish behavior.
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Going to reply to a couple of posts that I forgot to yesterday. >>1521 >The internet seems to be so rotten, angry, and unpleasant these days. Just being a depressed loser wanting to be happy and for others to be happy seems so rare in the face of the anger out there now. >>1554 >im not cold, its other people that are. just look at this culture. videogames tiktok onlyfans reddit youtube vtubers streamers drugs anime. people dancing in front of phone cameras and taking pictures of everything. all is sex, politics and memes, theres nothing else. everyone likes giving their opinions about things they have never read a book about >everyone is toxic and insulting. i like scrolling through imageboard threads, reading youtube commets etc. its all mesmerizing. theyre all aggressive. i cant imagine doing that sort of thing. most of all everyone behaves in concert, like they know what theyre supposed to do and say at all times. I forgot to include both of you in my second post in which I superficially addressed this. Yes, people have gotten more aggressive over the recent years, and I have my theories about it: People have been influenced into becoming raging flamers due to a plethora of factors, and nearly all of them are artificial, these conditions have been engineered. People are forced since childhood to stay in an environment they don't want to be, that environment called "school", that's the first taste of oppression nearly everyone gets, that leads to kids and teens becoming sociopathic and psychopathic, leading to school shootings. After going through schooling and entering their adult lives, they're forced to look for a job in a market that becomes incredibly restrictive for completely bullshit reasons, such as the the classic "need previous experience to get hired, can't get experience without being hired in the first place" dilemma. When they're hired, the heavy workload and shit pay, coupled with sociopathic coworkers leads to people going postal. Both of these factors are social and economic, lets get into psychological, and cultural factors: Nearly all contemporary humans are exposed to high levels of violence and hypersexuality through media such as movies, TV series and videogames during their entire lives. This might remind you of the whole debacle of conservatives against rock music, comic books, RPGs and videogames, a debate which the consumers of these forms of media easily won. However, just because they won the debate, were they really right? The winner of a war is not always the righteous one. People say >I have played violent videogames and watched violent movies my entire life and I never hurt anyone But that's a simplistic and shallow way of looking at things, plus you cannot trust these accounts at face value without knowing if these consumers truly have healthy lives. Its like asking a drug or alcohol addict if they're fine. >Drugs and alcohol haven't harmed me, I do it for fun, I'm not addicted to them, I can stop whenever I want! The truth is all of this exposure to intense fake violence and hypersexuality undermines your subconscious and negatively desensitizes you. Violence has played a big part in human history and its not actually a completely negative thing, violence and exposure to it has a positive value, but you're not going to harness those positive aspects through modern means, the natural early exposures to violence are through playfighting, hunting and combat training, these are positive ways of desensitizing someone to violence because they're controlled, direct and realistic, you're not watching or controlling a fictional thing but directly engaging all of your senses on violence. All of the contemporary methods of engaging with violence do is glorify gore and make people see each other as fleshbags devoid of any humanity, it only your subconscious more malleable for the influence of more violent ideas such as mass murder, genocide and torture. I don't even need to write about hypersexualization, do I? I believe all of us here are already familiar with this cultural phenomenon and its consequences. The third factors are spiritual, the advent of materialism and downplaying of religion and spirituality definitely had negative impacts on human societies by making people see life as devoid of any meaning and purpose, but I will never deny the positive effects of fighting against religious tyranny. Black magic has also been a very big spiritual factor, but you do not need to know about this in depth. The last factors are the political ones, most nations today are democratic states, and democracy is the worst political system to have if you want people to be kind to each other, democracy is inherently divisive and is a frequent cause of needless conflict, and the drastic polarization which only grows stronger with each day is proof of this. 1/2
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>>1554 >i used to think people just have to be trusted and if you trust them they will bring out their true selves and everyone is kind at heart but people only become more openly hostile with each year, my impression is that at heart, well theres no heart Trusting and loving others in your society is only viable in a healthy high trust society, which tend to be homogeneous and champion traditionalism. Examples of this are Japan, Europe, Canada and some parts of the US during the 50s to 70s, more or less. People of these parts of the world often described having no fear of leaving their homes unsecured for prolonged periods of time and their belongs unattended in public due to believing that their neighbors and fellow citizens would not steal anything from them. People in these places and nations would also be very altruistic towards one another, however exceptions to this definitely existed. Japan and rural communities in the west still carried their high trust societies into their 21st century, visitors and immigrants from low trust societies to these places have always reported the stark contrast between their places of origin and their destination, and members of these high trust societies who have visited violent nations and regions tend to describe shock and disbelief at how bad these places can be while expressing relief and gratitude that they did not had to grow up and live in such environments. >everyone is superficial and they just want to fap and cum a lot to hentai Porn addiction, that's a consequence of hypersexualization of culture. >and shut themselves in gated communities and spread gossip on kiwifarms and laugh at random videos and people. I fucking hate kiwifarms and /cow/ too, always have. I ran into some pretty good posts about it while lurking Kissu.moe some months ago, it seems kiwifarms drove a tranny developer of an emulator into killing himself. These two posts are really good at describing the motives behind their psychopathy >a community of losers who spend their time stalking other losers in order to feel better about their own miserable lives. >KF reminds me of PSAs about bullies being bullying victims paying it forward. They're losers putting down others to feel better about themselves. These two anons couldn't be more correct, I would go further and say that members of kiwifarm and frequenters of /cow/ are products of this sick world that we're living in, where people are broken down and driven insane since childhood. >how can you not be scared of this. I know how you feel, I'm glad that the person who introduced me to imageboards 10 years ago gave many warnings and advises about privacy and anonymity, so I never blabbered loosely about my identity, that coupled with being mostly a lurker through all of this time in IBs saved me from people like them. >i used to believe in "turn the other cheek" but it just made me waste my whole life getting slapped for nothing. The whole "turning the other cheek" thing is one of the majors flaws of Christian morality, Nietzsche critiques of it are a good introduction to the flaws of Christianity as a whole, but as I have previously said, I will not go further on this due to topic's nature. >i dont care about anything else. i dont want friends i dont want to play videogames i dont want to watch anime >my life is over. i had no idea it would end like this. in the end im free but alone. These parts that made me realize I had to reply to you too, I could just scroll by your post. This is some heavy shit, anon. I feel similar things to you, I care very little about a few things except you guys, and I couldn't give a fuck about anything else anymore, I'm done with life. I too feel perplexed at how my life turned out, when I was a little boy I always thought I would grow up into a soldier, I dreamed of a successful military career, I never knew I was an autist and would end up a completely depressed NEET due to not being able to stand school life anymore. I definitely do not feel free but the opposite, I feel like an inmate stuck in the worse jail in the world, looking for a way out to try escaping again but finding none. >>1550 >evil wins when you stop caring but soon ill stop caring completely, its impossible to care like this. I tried fighting for myself and for a better world but I lost the fight, and the cherry on top of the cake is that I realized evil won ages ago, good has just been in death throes all along. I just want to die at this point, just give me a gun so I can shoot myself in the head already, I have suffered enough, I feel more and more miserable with each day that passes, let me put an end to my own suffering. 2/2
Does anyone know if Lizchan will ever come back? I guess it doesn't matter my life will be shit regardless but here and there were the only bastions we had left.
Does anyone know if Lizchan will ever come back? I guess it doesn't matter my life will be shit regardless but here and there were the only bastions we had left.
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>>1609 Its back on the xyz domain, it was by going there a couple of days ago that I got here in the first place. >here and there were the only bastions we had left. Really, mage? I first discovered Lizchan in 2018, read some posts, din't liked the atmosphere and the shitposts, then I left and never came back again until this year, and it only happened due to me desiring to read only older posts out of boredom because it seems trannies started running amok there in 2020. I wouldn't frequent it again if I were you, I noticed a very clear contrast between the older 2017 and 2018 posts to the ones from 2019 and onwards.
>>1611 Well fuck. Thanks for the advice I mainly liked it when it first started off but honestly I didn't visit there alot for long periods of time, at least here has maintained its level of familiarity and comfiness, wizchan can just be too much for me alot of times it's so obvious that most of the user base has arrived in the last like 4 years and are unable to refrain from using internet buzzwords in every couple sentences.
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>>1612 >Thanks for the advice You're welcome. >wizchan can just be too much for me alot of times it's so obvious that most of the user base has arrived in the last like 4 years and are unable to refrain from using internet buzzwords in every couple sentences. Wait a minute...you still go there? For what purpose, just to suffer? From what I have read, it has fallen from grace since a very long time ago.
>>1613 Only occasionally out of boredom, every once in awhile I find a decent thread, I saw one the other day about a game I'd never heard of called Pathalogic which is extremely bleak and most of the game revolves around death (although I haven't really started playing it yet but it intrigued me being so different from the norm). You are correct though it's been a shell of its former self and a cesspool for quite some time now even when og magicchan was around it was going to shit haha
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>>1616 >Only occasionally out of boredom I see. I have the bad habit of visiting trashy boards when I get bored too, but my visit to those boards tend to only last a couple of minutes, then I decide to go look at something that doesn't annoy me. >a game I'd never heard of called Pathalogic which is extremely bleak and most of the game revolves around death (although I haven't really started playing it yet but it intrigued me being so different from the norm). I have read /v/ threads about it, its definitely not your everyday videogame but can't say I liked what I have seen of it, though, real life is bad enough already. Don't know how many mages we still have active around here but thanks for replying, the board is looking a bit desolate despite by best attempts at performing CPR on it.
>>1612 >wizchan I noticed the increasingly anti-NEET sentiment there in the past few years and started posting less often. Also the mods use that place as a way to stalk and bully actual virgins.
>>1618 >Also the mods use that place as a way to stalk and bully actual virgins. Yup, I have read about this too, something about the mods being part of an IRC clique that secretly hates people like us.
>>1621 The idea of a secret group running the site and mocking all the users is false. The mods were in contact with users and each other to play games and aren’t anonymous but it wasn’t a conspiracy. The admin isn’t really involved much anymore and many mods left, leaving a mod who is socially involved with /b/ trolls. That mod has expressed he doesn’t really agree with some of the rules and communicates with trolls he finds funny. The wizchan mods aren’t malicious trolls but are now incompatible with anyone who took wizchan seriously as a refuge or home for outcasts. To put this in context the trolls on wizchan are long term regulars, including the ones who try to troll and mock the userbase. The mods have interacted with them shitposting for 5+ years and they don’t get long term banned because they’re considered equal users. This is how the whole internet is going really so it shouldn’t be a surprise.
>>1622 I see. I never looked closely into this whole ordeal.
>>1595 >Good to see an anonymage with his eyes truly open. Follow his advice people, he is right. It may be tempting to think that the government is always trying to harm you in some way, but you have to be careful not to fall into the trap of conspiratorial thinking. It defies logical reasoning and shouldn't be entertained. If it happens to be that there really is a global dictatorship in the works, take it as it comes because there's not much anyone could do about that. Don't be like the average user on /pol/. Just some helpful advice, mage.
>>1624 >you have to be careful not to fall into the trap of conspiratorial thinking. >Don't be like the average user on /pol/ Lets bury this topic right now before things start getting out of hand.
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I have nothing but disdain for my parents for ever conceiving me. >27 years old >never had a job >no degree Only have a useless GED that everyone looks down on because it's not a HS diploma. So why did I even bother to get that? But that's not the worst part. Diagnosed autistic and physically disabled to boot. There is no future for me, that's not really difficult to tell. I just want a room and neetbux so I can hide away and rot in peace.
>>1628 >There is no future for me, that's not really difficult to tell. Same, I wish I never existed, and I hope that I will stop existing after I die.
>>1628 Don't think most degrees make a difference, I actually had to hide mines from my CV because they were literally detrimental for my options to get any job. But yeah it's fucked up, being diagnosed and even disabled you don't get any neetbux in your country?
>>1629 This is a terrible thing to think about, even if we die the fact of our existence can't be erased. In some way, our disgraced being is eternal. I'm thinking about what would be the best way to go, without a funeral, without being remembered, in some sort of "damnatio memoriae", but there's so many things to get rid of it would be nearly impossible to not leave a trace of your existance, even for someone that has tried to be invisible for decades.
>>1631 >This is a terrible thing to think about, even if we die the fact of our existence can't be erased. You misinterpreted me, or perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I meant to say that I hope my consciousness stops existing after I die. Yes, we leave traces of our existence behind when we die, but me personally, I don't give a shit anymore, I just want to get out of this hellhole of an existence, the traces of existence that I have left throughout my life be damned. I don't think or care about that.
>>1635 Don't mind me anon, sometimes I'm so focused in my own thoughts I end exposing my own obsessions instead of properly answering. If there's anything I can do for you, this place has become increasingly gloomy recently, I guess we're all getting older and ending like this is inevitable in our kind.
>>1631 I hate it too. I often wish I could just put everything back to how it would have been without me and then just sort of vanish without a trace. I hate that existing in this world inevitably leaves a trail of records behind you, no matter how hard you try to stay out of it.
>>1641 >sometimes I'm so focused in my own thoughts I end exposing my own obsessions instead of properly answering. Seems similar to the spacing out problem I have. Don't worry, I din't get mad at you, if there's something I will never in what rests of this life of mine, is lashing out at another mage. >If there's anything I can do for you, this place has become increasingly gloomy recently, I guess we're all getting older and ending like this is inevitable in our kind. I've noticed it too. I have decided that I will try recreating the humor thread on the old /b/, a bit later today. We need to have some laughs.
>>1630 >you don't get any neetbux in your country They make you jump through hoops like a trained monkey to get it, and I don't have the energy or resources for that. You need to go to appointments all the time just to prove you are still "crazy" or some other label they put on you. All to prove you can't work. It sucks but what can I do, mage? Anyway I plan on roping myself eventually.
>>1660 It was like that for me when my parents forced me to get unemployment benefits. The stress of the job centre meetings and having to write and send useless and humiliating job applications was so bad that I couldn't sleep for weeks and had to drop out of the part-time course I was doing because I couldn't study at all. It was just horrendous. I couldn't live like that, having any job is less stressful.
>>1662 My parents don't care whether I live or die, so I don't really have that going for me. They never forced me to do anything because like most people, they are apathetic to my existence.
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>>1681 >like most people, they are apathetic to my existence. That hit me hard, maybe because I know how that feels. It might not be much, but I care about you and I hope you're doing somewhat well.
The just world view seems to be getting stronger online, I guess from the increasing number of normans. I see many posts were someone describes how somebody did something abusive to them unprovoked and people respond insisting they must have done something. We come from a culture that used to know the mob was violent and mindless, we used to have an outsider culture that understood people abuse others for their own psychological wellbeing. Now there's always people insisting the poster did something and people aren't like that, and furthermore shutting down or trying to mock people lamenting the experience. I've just noticed it more and more, maybe it's a specific way to troll losers, but it's depressing.
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>>1685 I have seen this too but never gave it too much thought and just assumed it was something typical from chads, but I think you're right, its not just normalshit insensitiveness, it seems to be done on purpose and out of scorn. People just keep getting worse and worse.
>>1681 It was always about them
>>1685 Normen are greedy, they can't just be satisfied by having boundless good fortune, they also must be secure in the knowledge that they are pure paragons of virtue and goodness whose every action is divinely inspired and are being justly rewarded for being so fucking amazingly wonderful. If something bad happens it can't be because their kind and creed aren't as perfect as they think, nor can it be because the wold doesn't have any moral sentiments. No instead it must not have happened at all or at least not like that, and if it did then it must have been deserved, because if it really did happen, and really wasn't deserved then how could the normen live without the mandate of heaven on top of everything else they've had handed to them? That attitude of theirs pisses me off, honestly I wouldn't hate normalfags half as much as I do if they'd just be honest. "Yes bad things happen for no reason, and yes people are often evil cunts, but I'm happy so I don't care". Instead they decide to shake us down for every last shred. They can't even let people who've suffered keep the value of that pain, instead denying it even exists, or that it is of the worthless currency of deserved agony. It makes me so fucking angry, but what can one do, they have all the power and they can do whatever they want to the powerless. Not like we ever could pretend that this place and people were anything close to just. A bunch of cunts praising themselves for their goodness as they push an unfortunate under the bus is par for the course.
>>1685 What are you talking about, exactly?
I'm deeply sick about how everything is politics now. You can't talk about videogames, anime or anything without having a cultural war debate. You can't talk about RPG's without talking about transexuals and shit. You can't talk about mental topics without someone talking about Trump or Biden. It's the only topic that matters now, there's not even place for escapism, you need to choose a side in the cultural war and everything in your existence needs to orbit around it. Too bad I despise them both. I thought COVID would change things and people will start focusing in more important questions or at least evading in a more healthy way, I was wrong. I'm not anti-american in the slightest but at this point their cultural influence is poisonous to the world.
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>>1691 >I'm deeply sick about how everything is politics now. Me too, that's why I came back here and decided to settle down after years of drifting throughout the internet while fighting this stupid war that has already been lost a long time ago. >It's the only topic that matters now, there's not even place for escapism, you need to choose a side in the cultural war and everything in your existence needs to orbit around it. I don't want to come off as confrontational, but you probably haven't realized that the most of the media you have run across is in fact political, and always has been. The difference is that in the past they were more covert about it, and only overt when beating a certain dead horse. <But I don't consume western media, only Japanese media. Even if that's the case for you, the only exceptions are some visual novels along with slice of life and some isekai anime. Anime has been political for quite a long time too. With of all this being said, and since you mentioned RPGs too, I'm currently working on an half-serious setting where factions on both sides are depicted as megalomaniacs fighting over a broken world, while a couple of factions just want to destroy the main evil faction and then be left alone. I wonder if you would like it. I have been thinking on starting a /tg/ general to get anons into solitaire gaming, but I don't know on which board: Here, Sleepy's /r9k/ or TruWiz. Considering how slow the latter two are, maybe here would be a better place for it.
>>1691 I hope you can forgive some mistakes I made out of tiredness in this reply to you >>1692 , and allow me to fix them. >Even if that's the case for you, the only exceptions are some visual novels along with slice of life and some isekai anime. This is where I fucked up. I meant to say that these are the most prominent exceptions, but many others still exist. Some Japanese media from the late 90s up to the early 10s tend to be free of political and cultural themes, although exceptions before and after this period do exist. I still stand with the overall theme of this reply, most of modern media has always been political, either covertly or overtly. One could accuse me of seeing things that aren't there, but if this turns into a debate, I will start presenting evidence. On the other hand, some anime with political themes are actually somewhat positive.
>>1692 Don't assume things that quickly from merely reading a random anonymous post. I consumed and still consume tons of western media. And while dumb I'm not as dumb as not to notice the political implications in most art forms. Hell, I even had to formally study that, film analysis and stuff. That's not my problem, my problem is the excruciating cultural war that permeates all. I don't mind political content in media, I don't mind political interpretation of media. What annoys me is when it's the same dumb shit all the time, when I can't even have fantasy without it. When the only discussion about something orbits around being "woke" or the other shit. This is both a criticism of media itself and people who talks about it. When I visit a board about videogames or anime I don't want to see all the time posts about Trump, transexuals or whatever unrelated trash. It's not even about politics, but what politics have turned in last years, the most stupid and sterile debate I can imagine.
>>1688 Yeah, I kinda figured that
>>1694 >Don't assume things that quickly from merely reading a random anonymous post. My apologies if I offended you, it was never my intention, I just have noticed that most anons who voice their concerns of politics interfering with escapism mostly stick with eastern media to avoid the never ending shitstorm of western politics, and some of them have this notion that older works used to be free of politics. In my defense, I will say that I tried to use pinktext but din't realize it wasn't supported by anoncafe or if it was disabled on this board, and that I did say "I don't want to come off as confrontational" and Even if this is the case for you, meaning that I was aware that I was making an assumption that you were one of those anons, and that no offense whatsoever was intended with this assumption. >That's not my problem, my problem is the excruciating cultural war that permeates all. I don't mind political content in media, I don't mind political interpretation of media. >What annoys me is when it's the same dumb shit all the time, when I can't even have fantasy without it. When the only discussion about something orbits around being "woke" or the other shit. This is both a criticism of media itself and people who talks about it. >When I visit a board about videogames or anime I don't want to see all the time posts about Trump, transexuals or whatever unrelated trash. It's not even about politics, but what politics have turned in last years, the most stupid and sterile debate I can imagine. Now I understand what you mean, I can relate to that too. I could express my opinions and theories on why things have become like this, but considering how you reacted to my post, I will refrain from it.
>>1696 Call me a retard if you want, just don't be patronizing, it's the only thing that can slightly irritate me at this point.
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>>1697 I never intended to patronize you. This shit is upsetting, I'm just going to reply here less from now on. To switch up the topics, 4chan's /tg/ has become nearly totally unusable, too much stupidity and perversion going on in there. Its like a scientist gave a bunch of very retarded horny monkeys a computer with an internet connection and a /tg/ bookmark along a 5E D&D book to see what would happen. I managed to grab some cool ideas for my setting but that's the last time I'm going there, might as well stick with smug's /tg/, as slow and politically polarized as it is. I also don't have any energy in me to continue developing my setting today, might as well take the day off.
>>1691 The constant side choosing and unrelated politics was a big part of why I stopped browsing mainstream image boards. It was bad enough seven years ago, but now it's terrible. Last year one of the only other boards I browsed besides MC was linked on 4can and immediately became a cesspit of cancerous politics. This shit, it ruins everything it touches.
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>>1699 Worse of all is how it goes against what was the imageboard culture not that long ago. 4chan used to laugh at everything, it had this idea of mocking anyone who took itself too seriously. It was a place for outcasts and losers, and that kind of people shouldn't adhere to restrictive and dogmatic views of society, in most ways they aren't even part of it, why they should care? Racism was a source of amusement, not an ideology. You could say, in some says, it was punk internet.
>>1704 I said I was going to reply here less but I just can't resist it. I'm no oldfag and I will never be one, but I'm somewhat familiar with oldfag culture and all of this is true. I have seen some screencaps that claim anons got bored of escapism and decided to get deeply involved with politics because they had nothing better to do and nothing to lose. If I ever find these screencaps in my completely disorganized /b/ folder, I'll post them here. I'm not saying I think the anons in those screencaps have the right to speak for an entire community nor do I blindly believe them, I'm only reporting what I have seen. I can remember that the screencaps aren't old and the dates on them range from 2014 to 2017. However, there's a different motive for so many anons to have gotten so deeply involved with all of this shit, and it has nothing to do with being tired of escapism. Many anons, myself included, were completely comfortable with their escapist lifestyles until SJWs invaded our hobbies and started spewing their political vitriol everywhere. Immensely bothered by this, we started fighting back. >inb4 >we This is well documented through many posts, although I only have a couple of them. If you don't believe me, ask older politicized anons of hobby boards such as /v/, /tg/, /tv/ and maybe /co/ too. I wish GamerGate never happened and I have seen many anons express the same feelings, I have written a small post on Sleepy's /r9k/ about this and got a reply that proves that I'm not lying https://zzzchan.xyz/r9k/thread/2982.html#3274 https://zzzchan.xyz/r9k/thread/2982.html#3280 >Had all that not happened, I'd definitely be a lot happier. All the interesting communities wouldn't have gotten pozzed to shit, I wouldn't be so damn paranoid of getting a mob sicced on me for a minor disagreement, and I'd have made some friends. I wouldn't give a shit about politics outside of the distrust of authority I've always had. I don't even think I'd be on imageboards anymore. I was already tired of them in the early 10s and wanted to leave. Started looking into forums and such, found a couple that fit my interests. But then the culture war shit started, everything got infected, and I wound up returning since they were the only place left where I could speak my mind. I think its worth pointing out that even the motherfucking SCP community was invaded by these insufferable cunts who have to inject homosexualism and transgenderism everywhere. They were the ones that started all of this mess, many anons became /po/acks because of this leftist political invasion, which had it never happened, we wouldn't have done so.
>>1711 I don't see how a reasonable reaction to others taking a shit in your place is taking another shit yourself, it just makes everything more shitty. I don't even think the same people that comformed old imageboard culture are the ones involved into this, they just left and a newer generation took it's place. I will never take a side because I truly despite both the same, I don't care who started it. SJW is as annoying as overreaction to SJW, when it's not directly a paranoid delusion, both feed each other. See /a/ culture, it was a great place for degenerates, they liked loli, they wanted to be the loli, now it's over because our fucked up sexual fetishes have suddenly become a political stance. Now even the stuff you fap to is political. It's insane.
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>>1712 >I don't see how a reasonable reaction to others taking a shit in your place is taking another shit yourself, it just makes everything more shitty. I have seen someone say something like this very recently in Smug /tg/, are you this anon? https://smuglo.li/tg/res/31737.html#36500 https://smuglo.li/tg/res/31737.html#36510 The people who are radicalized to shit and behaving just like SJWs aren't the same people who got involved with the cultural war early on, like at the start of GG, and those who are milder /pol/acks who just wish a nicer world for everyone to live in. Those who came in later are the problem. >I don't even think the same people that comformed old imageboard culture are the ones involved into this, they just left and a newer generation took it's place. >SJW is as annoying as overreaction to SJW, when it's not directly a paranoid delusion, both feed each other. There are two types of people, and you are mixing them together. First, there's us who just started investigating the people invading our hobbies and exposed them while at the same time we studied politics to understand what the fuck was going on and why everything was suddenly turning to shit, then there's the people you're complaining about, who truly are just SJWs with a different paintjob on them. You're generalizing an entire community of people who just wanted to be left alone but had no choice other than to defend what we loved. You're probably right about some of these rightist SJWs being newfags, though, I agree with you on that, but I do think a few of those anons are oldfags (or quasi-oldfags) who got radicalized to the point politics fried their brains and now they want to genocide entire races. >See /a/ culture, it was a great place for degenerates, they liked loli, they wanted to be the loli, now it's over because our fucked up sexual fetishes have suddenly become a political stance. Now even the stuff you fap to is political. It's insane. I could say exactly what I think about this, but I will keep it to myself. I'll just say that I know how you feel, I just don't completely agree with you. This entire situation is just sad and once again I have to express that I wish GG never happened. Fuck Zoey Quinn.
>>1713 I do generalize, yes, because to me it's all the same shit. /v/ was a shithole long before gamergate happened. To put it simply, those places shouldn't be about political discussion or cultural war, I don't care how much they read or how legitimate they think they are, I don't buy what they try to sell me, I'm not interested. Now, it doesn't really matter. They have won and it's all a battlefield for their childish war.
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>>1714 I have lost my patience with you. >To put it simply, those places shouldn't be about political discussion or cultural war You don't understand, this was pushed on us, the only choice we had was push back. Its not like one day we decided to politicize /v/. What part of "We just wanted to play videogames" you can't understand? Do you know how to read? >I don't care how much they read or how legitimate they think they are, I don't buy what they try to sell me, I'm not interested. No one was forced to participate in the pushback, and no products or ideas where being sold whatsoever, at least in the start of GG, which was when I got involved. I stopped keeping track of it when I started diving into politics and only know very vague things about how it turned out, I just know it din't turned out well. >Now, it doesn't really matter. They have won and it's all a battlefield for their childish war. Now this is something you're actually right about. They succeeded in ruining everything, but they also created legions of pissed off people that were previously unaware of their schemes and agendas as a result of their invasions. I don't want to argue with you anymore, you're one of the most displeasing anons I have ever had a discussion with. Have a good day.
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>>1712 >I don't see how a reasonable reaction to others taking a shit in your place is taking another shit yourself, it just makes everything more shitty. What do you mean by "taking another shit yourself"? What is the shit that is being taken in response to the first shit? I feel like you're being really vague. i guess there are certain things in the response to the SJW stuff that i don't like, especially the jewtube stuff which seems like a ton of retards in a contest to see who can be the most smug and the most stupid at the same time. but overall i don't think that it is an equal thing or something you can just handwave by saying "both sides have their problems"
>>1715 If you don't want to deal with opinions different than yours just don't read and don't answer, it's kinda silly to wrote a long post filled with quotes and end it with an outraged "I don't want to argue with you". Hell, don't do it then, no one is forcing you, I don't even know why you're so offended. >>1716 Not vague at all, you can easily see it everytime a thread turns into a shitfest of people calling each other gay and tranny. And if we talk about only imageboards, or at the least the ones I visit, the presence of anti-SJW is quite more predominant. It's almost like a contest for who's the choosen one. Of course this gets balanced by SJW dominating other media. Overall, I don't see why I should preffer one side over the other, they both annoy me, I repudiate their ideas, they bring politics where they don't belong, they derail threads and fill it all with their misery. What I also meant is, you don't fight off-topic trash by bringing more off-topic trash to the table, if something you're feeding it. Sometimes there wasn't even a "first shit" to answer to, just this idea of taking the "debate" into places where there wasn't even the slightest trace of it.
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>>1716 If he is the same anon that got caught in a heated debate in Smug /tg/ a couple days ago, he means rightists who hate SJWs acting just like them, such as forcing people to adopt their views and attitudes, shoving politics everywhere,telling people they have a minor disagreement with to GTFO the board, witch-hunting, shit like that. He isn't wrong, he has a fair point the problem is that he just puts everyone who resisted against SJW efforts into a single bag, even the people who don't behave like these rightist SJWs. It's like being pissed off at your national guard for setting up defensive positions in your hometown that's about to be invaded by a barbaric enemy force. His attitude on this regard is simply ridiculous. Its not worth continuing this discussion and fighting each other over a lost war, we're supposed to be friends and comrades, goddamn it. This entire thing is just depressing, crushingly depressing. Makes me want to kill myself for fighting with another mage.
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>>1717 Your post hadn't shown up on my end when I replied to that other anon, sorry for double posting. >I's kinda silly to wrote a long post filled with quotes and end it with an outraged "I don't want to argue with you" >I don't even know why you're so offended. This exactly the kind of thing that made me lose my patience with you, you're very disingenuous, you know that? You're conveniently cutting off the "anymore" right at the end of that quote, which meant that I din't want to CONTINUE arguing with you after that post, that I meant for that to be my last reply to you. >If you don't want to deal with opinions different than yours just don't read and don't answer >Hell, don't do it then, no one is forcing you I already avoid dealing with people that I disagree with my avoiding their places entirely, but this is a board which I consider one of my homes, and it would be rude to ignore anons in a small board, especially one in where everyone is friendly and understanding to each other. I argued with you politely and in good faith until you decided to act like a moron and dump an entire community of different people and accuse them all of being the same. Lets stop dragging this any further.
>>1717 I don't think that anons calling each other gay is that big of a deal, but also i think that it is best to weed out faggots and the like from communities because once they're allowed to operate openly things go downhill very very quickly. Personally I would err on the side of keeping them out. But i don't use other imageboards lately so i'll take you at your word that it's becoming really annoying, if you could point to some posts/threads that show this stuff i would probably agree with you if it's a crazy witchhunt like you say. I just think that when everywhere else is filled with transgendered people and Marxists and all that it is a little strange to say "both sides annoy me" as if one "side" isn't doing clearly worse things that shouldn't be allowed in places uncorrupted by them. >>1718 I just wanted to jump in and have that anon clarify. Didn't mean to make you feel depressed my bad.
>>1718 I'm not the same anon, I don't even know what you're talking about since I don't frequent /tg/. About this idea of a "national guard", I just don't buy it. If some SJW happened to appear in some board bringing off-topic shit, most sane way to deal with it would be leaving it to the mods if they do their job, ignoring or laughing at them, everything but entering into an endless "political debate" with them. And like I said, there's also the places that were perfectly fine until the "national guard" decided it was time to bring justice anyway. I don't know why you see this as "fighting", I'm merely putting my views in here and venting a little without making any personal allusions unlike: >>1719 If you feel identified with a certain group who shouldn't have anything to do with this particular community, I shit in that group and you get offended, honestly, it's your problem only. I didn't define you or expressed any assumption about you in any way, I barely quoted you because I don't like to turn discussions into a chain of posts no one else cares, I preffer to post general ideas. Now if you think this place should take a particular stance about this topic and others agree I don't mind leaving in peace.
>>1721 >Now if you think this place should take a particular stance about this topic and others agree I don't mind leaving in peace. I can't speak for the other anon but i don't think this is something to leave over, especially since i don't think anyone is in favor of leftist cultural shit here, we just aren't in agreement in terms of a response to this hypothetical threat.
>>1720 Its okay friend, you don't have to apologize. >>1721 >I'm not the same anon, I don't even know what you're talking about since I don't frequent /tg/ You had previously made an argument that was very similar to what that anon from Smug /tg/ had very recently said, and since this post >>1691also mentioned RPGs, I put 1+1 together and really thought that was you. I apologize for that. You could say that its a gaffe trying to recognize anons across threads and boards but the posting style and arguments were too similar and just too recent for me to ignore, and I have been able to accurately recognize anons across different communities very often. >I don't know why you see this as "fighting", I'm merely putting my views in here and venting a little without making any personal allusions unlike You're right. I'm sorry, I'm constantly on the edge, my body hurts, I live in an horrible place, living in this world is a living nightmare and nearly everything I love has been turned to shit, the last thing I want to happen is hurting the last comrades I have left. >Now if you think this place should take a particular stance about this topic and others agree I don't mind leaving in peace. No. All of this started because I wanted to answer your question on why anons got so deeply involved with politics, I had a minor bad feeling about it but felt sure enough that I would be able to defend the points I was trying to make in the occasion of any disagreements arising. I just got disappointed at your lack of understanding of this entire situation, but I never wanted this to happen. >>1722 Yes. There's no reason to tear each other apart over this.. >especially since i don't think anyone is in favor of leftist cultural shit here, we just aren't in agreement in terms of a response to this hypothetical threat. That's the funny thing, this place is more or less apolitical. We don't have to agree on a response to anything because we are not in the fight and the fight has already been lost. Like I said, all of this started because I was trying to explain what made anons flock to politics and attach themselves to it so intensely, I just never expected to face such an hard headed disagreement with my explanation, which I'm sure isn't wrong.
>>1723 I post in a few hobby boards in 4chan but you would never recognize my posts, they are short, on-topic and I never engage in long discussions. Sometimes I post longer diatribes in another minoritary imageboard so if something you would recognize me from there, and I hope you don't because I think anonymity is really important. I'm sorry to say I don't have any sense of comradery, I think most people, even here, would tear me up if they would have the chance. But at the same time I don't have any sense of tribalism either or hate anyone in particular. That's why I'm blunt but I don't get into ego battles too often. And now that we got personal, this isn't about being right or wrong. I expressed a feeling of despise and annoyance for some, the same way you expressed feelings of despise for other groups. I'm, if something, less focused and more general in my despise. And I see it as perfectly justified. I understand perfectly, I simply have another point of view. I've been in 4chan since 2007 so I guess whatever shit I say is as valid as whatever other shit any other fag says. I can feel we're far away ideologically, I don't even think in the same language or the same coordinates, now this is my assumption, but who cares? This isn't about convincing each other, I make a post, you disagree, sometimes I answer to clarify, that's all. You don't need to convince me, educate me or viceversa. I wouldn't even have bothered if it wasn't for my deplorable mental state.
>>1724 >I think most people, even here, would tear me up if they would have the chance What do you mean by that?
>>1725 I mean I don't fit anywhere. I don't pertain to any group. You could call it being an outcast, but in a group of outcasts I'll still be the outcast. I'm the monkey after the pit of despair.
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>>1724 >I think anonymity is really important. Me too, but my concept of anonymity revolves around a lack of real names and usernames, I don't particularly see a problem when anons recognize each other across different boards and sites altogether, as long as no one is calling each other by fixed handles. I guess this somewhat lighter concept of anonymity comes from BR boards and me spending too much time with chat groups. >I'm sorry to say I don't have any sense of comradery I was wondering about that, now it makes sense. I have no attachment to what became of GG, but I did had a strong bond to the anons in the early GG generals. It was my first contact with so many people working towards a single goal, a somewhat of a noble one at that. That must be why I got upset at you. >I've been in 4chan since 2007 so I guess whatever shit I say is as valid as whatever other shit any other fag says. That's oldfag era. I would say your opinion has value. >I can feel we're far away ideologically, I don't even think in the same language or the same coordinates, now this is my assumption, but who cares? I wonder if you're >>1624. If you are, everything makes more sense, we're on very different positions indeed. Still, I'm not radicalized and polarized to the point of lashing out against those who think different than me right out of the bat, things like that only happen when the situation gets out of hand, which unfortunately happened here albeit thankfully on a much lower scale than what often happens in other boards. >I wouldn't even have bothered if it wasn't for my deplorable mental state. This is something we have in common. I'm a complete mess beyond repairs as well, I should have died a long time ago. Hopefully I will be gone very soon, I can't take this shitty life anymore. >>1726 I can relate to that. Not completely, but I don't fit in most places either.
>>1726 i think you're being too hard on yourself. it was a goofy little argument, nothing really bad came of it, just some autistic frustration. maybe you feel that way in general but I dont think this exchange is evidence of you being incompatible with the board or anything.
>>1728 Nah, it's not because the thread but I can feel the generational differences. I keep acting like if it was 12 years ago and that simply doesn't make sense anymore and I'm to blame. Same thing happened in Wizardchan.
>>1729 I feel like you're wrong on that, i didn't get that impression of a generational difference. It was just poor communication all around.
i finally have a realistic method to kill myself. cant let the opportunity pass. i think today i woke up for the last time. i dont want to die, i wish i could have lived my life. im afraid of death. i think of death a bit as running away from all this. but mostly as a prison. i like people, i like learning and making things, i like being myself. if im dead i cant do anything anymore. i dont think anyone will ever be able to steal my place because im very different, but still ill be dead forever. i wish i had a second chance, i wish i were born in this same era but in slightly better circumstances. i think what matters the most is something some of us have inside us, i think i have it like no one else but i couldnt bring that out in this life. so its like something big never existed. sorry.
>>1742 Oh no, I really hope we haven't lost you. But if things are that bad, well, not that it means anything but I'm really sorry that things are so bad.
>>1742 I wonder, if I don't have any of those things you still had, why I keep living? I dislike people, I hate myself, I don't think I'm particularly afraid of death anymore and I most days I really want to die. But here I am while you could be not breathing anymore , while I write this same lines. It's unfair (for you). I'm at most, neutral about people living or dy, ng, I will not tell anyone to live or to die since it's their lives and not my business, but when you said "i dont want to die" in what could be your last post ever it felt wrong. If you are still alive, I hope you could tell me to fuck off or something, if you're not, I guess I'm just a fool talking to a dead man.
didnt do it. coward. so instead of jumping from the 8th floor of a building, someday ill jump off a viaduct and try to fall on my head. in the next couple of years my country should collapse economically and socially, ill kill myself when i cant be a neet anymore. not going to make another suicide post; i have trouble with communication and being honest but i feel like ive already said the gist of it somewhat, and its not going to change. until then ill listen to music, view images, read manga and play eroge. i like programming and related things so much sometimes i think about dropping all this inane stuff and studying like i wish i had even though its absolutely pointless now. this isnt the life i wanted. i wish i had spent all my school life learning cs and maths, make enough from crypto that i can support myself in a good first world uni, become a cryptology wizard, then start a business or work for an intelligence agency, something like that. i really wish i had another chance. i didnt get to be myself. and more importantly i think i didnt contribute like i could. sorry again.
>>1745 It's kind of selfish but I'm really glad you're still around. I hope you can find a way to spend more time doing things that you love. >>1744 Same here. I hate life and never was really keen on anything. It's so sad that people who live with so much passion decide that they can't go on.
I wish i could make myself post or do anything. i am tired and useless.
>>1745 When you're our age the traditional high-ranking uni -> career pathway is pretty well over, but you can still learn as much as you want and if you want to study there's no reason not to. CS and maths are especially suited to studying on your own, and the things you described wanting to do don't seem to need other people's involvement all that much. Have you considered just trying to study a little bit on your own? Even a degree in them starts with just a bit, you could just imagine that you want to enrol in a degree and need to prepare for it. First-world unis are a ripoff anyway.
>>1748 i like reading on my own. my favorite things about cs are automata theory and cryptology. in math, i like abstract algebra (esp groups), number theory, algebraic topology and foundations. of programming languages, i like APL, agda, haskell, assembly, C, prolog, forth, and CMU CL. i have a lot of ideas, i feel like from every 2 papers i read i could write 4. i have very vivid dreams where i explain as an university teacher the things i read about. hacking is very difficult, you have to know a lot, its not the "theoretical" type of thing i like, but if i had the time to learn all those things, i think i would be very impressive. i think being good at maths and hacking is about two things, first having a very elastic brain so you can assimilate concepts. then a mindset of "finding a way" to break into a system and use things in ways they werent meant to be used. i think my brain is wired that way, more than anyone else, but i wasted my life doing nothing. there are people who study like i wanted to and they make a lot of money, then people who at least enjoy their youth like with games. i didnt either, i was basically a slave and never had a say on how to live my own life, i lost my youth being afraid of adults and not doing what i should. ive lived as many people, but none of them were me. im severely psychologically damaged, ive been to 8 mental health professionals, been on tens of medications since i was 4, 5 different schools, tens of health problems (not counting allergies and mental stuff), ive had a very shitty life. i wish i could start over so much, just so i could have spent my years from age 5 to 18 quietly studying these things on my own everyday, make a decent enough portfolio so i can go to a top uni, youve said carreer but i think i would make my own business. unless i were recruited by spooks. right now i dont know what to do, im trying to just forget and run away with things like visual novels but they dont catch my attention much, ive thought about going to a 2nd rate university, but i think its unrealistic given my health and finances. and i dont see a point in studying for pleasure, there so many books i can barely scratch the surface of everything i want to know. i spend hours laying on bed, hugging my pillow and daydreaming. what if i were a girl, what if i were born to a normal family, everything i could do. i given up on this life completely.
>>1750 Unfortunately you can't do anything about the past. Most of us are probably very familiar with such regrets. All you can control is what you do today, just try to be conscious of doing some things because you want to do them, even if it's not for too long. I think spending your time doing things you want to do is really important, even if it's just enjoying yourself and not striving for some goal. > i dont see a point in studying for pleasure, there so many books i can barely scratch the surface of everything i want to know. But you might learn something you want to know, and something is better than nothing. And to learn everything you would have to start with something. Just try (as much as you can) not to worry that you're not perfect because you haven't already done that stuff. > right now i dont know what to do, im trying to just forget and run away with things like visual novels but they dont catch my attention much Honestly that's fine and you shouldn't beat yourself up for it. I really hope that you can get some peace and that however you spend your time it's doing things that you like doing. Anyway, I don't mean to tell you what to do, only to encourage you because you really seem genuinely excited by learning and it's such a shame to waste that. Most people aren't, they just do it because they think they have to.
I fell for the "just learn STEM" meme out of sheer desperation to find a job. As I study calculus and physics in university, I'm reminded of my inherent worthlessness as a human being. It's not that the courses are difficult. I've been getting along just fine. The thing that has always bothered me the most is being considered as subhuman by others. I'm still unemployed, yet there are people in the world with far less education and they somehow get hired by companies. Living in eternal poverty is the worst feeling, and I remain helpless to change it.
>>1752 I suspect social skills are by a wide margin the most important skills in almost every job. But at least you have some different and rare skills to compensate for the lack of the fundamental ones, also the capability to learn them, so not all is lost. Lots of people, myself included, are totally unable to do anything related to math even in the most elemental level.
>>1753 A lack of social skills can literally kill you by denying you a job and therefore an income. I don't blame NEETs for leeching off the system. Sometimes they really don't have a choice.
An old teacher from 20 years ago saw me today and remembered my name. I didn't have anything to say to her really. She was asking about my life and I had nothing to say, I lied saying I had a job. She asked me if I was happy, I kind of instinctively told the truth and said "Eh" while shrugging. I would like to move to somewhere where nobody would remember me, but, I'm at home still so whatever.
>>1754 Maybe that's actually more merciful. If you have the slightest skill or luck and somehow get a job you could get your soul crushed and end dead anyway, only years later after so much suffering. I felt miserable as a NEET but as a wageslave I feel even more miserable most of the time. What's worse is even after years of working I still feel like a leech, a burden and a lazy piece of shit. After some point in life I don't think there's any way to solve things.
>>1756 I'm the hopeless STEM student from >>1752 I've thought about janitorial work but not sure how hard it is to find a job in that field. Seems pretty laidback and having advanced social skills isn't required to do the work, just good cleaning skills.
>>1757 It's probably not totally hopeless for you, good technical skills make up for a lot. Mine aren't even that good and I managed to get a decent job eventually. Social skills are important and all but someone has to do the actual work.
Since I never do anything I keep forgetting how inept I am. I just spent the most of the day trying and failing to do simple tasks like opening a bank account. I'm so fucking useless, and so goddamned stupid to think I could manage to do anything right.
>>1760 I'm in a similar situation. I think that it's a dogshit thing to know your parents failed to teach you things that are necessary in society, like opening a bank account or how to do taxes and shit, and also having to learn them on your own way later than you should. pretty much doomed unless you are way above average in terms of your ability to adapt and learn things like that.
>>1761 Unfortunately it's all my own fault. My parents tried to teach me responsibility from a young age, but I usually fucked it up and they had to fix my mistakes. I became paralyzed with fear of ruining things so in the end I just had them take care of everything.
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>>1751 ive been thinking. maybe youre right. you see my mind is a mess, theres a lot of stuff going on in my head all the time, and i worry about a lot of things. but but i came down to two possible routes to follow, or hobbies i can pursue, starting from zero. visual novels or studying math and cs. i think we always have to keep in mind we only live once and we have to make this life count. if i could be immortal well im not, so. so wouldnt it make sense to stop thinking about all this boring stuff and just have fun in my life. but for me studying is more than just fun. math sets my mind free like nothing else. it feels like harnessing the full strength of a volcano or a nuclear reactor. i think many people have a third eye, but mine is unique and it can see even more. so given ill die, rationally speaking i think playing eroge makes more sense, but i feel so drawn to learning, even though its pointless now. so in short i think i know exactly whats left of my life. either ill be a hikikomori who reads one eroge after the other or ill be a hikikomori who reads 1k+ page textbooks one after the other, i cant decide yet but its one or the other, rn i think the later, maybe ill change my mind maybe not. then one day ill jump off an overpass. and wish i could start life over. this was really shitty and i didnt have a chance even though i wanted a chance very much. ill live completely alone from now on, like i dont exist in this world anymore. for years anonymous imageboards have been my only source of human interaction, but ill stop talking here too. rejoice, no one will have to ever read a post by me again.
>>1758 >good technical skills That's the problem. Universities fail their students by not providing them with any skills and so they become unemployed and work in low wage positions forever. Nobody wants to train new grads anymore.
>>1764 I don’t really see the big deal. The important technical skills are the theoretical components. Most courses require you to gain proficiency with various tools used to implement them. Theoretical understanding basically comes down to bring prepared for your course and studying hard enough when you’re in it. If you only want to be shown how to use some tools you can go to a trade school.
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Just a slave to my nature. Tried everything and my brain is so emotionally weak. Thousands of days now and in reality I haven't made progress. Surrounded by people who find much more value in life by default, even the cruel and abusive ones.
It's so stressful just being alive. I thought it had gotten better with age but it really hasn't, life always finds a way to impose itself.
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loneliness and silence. my world. freedom.
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going mute. want to speak for the last time. i wish i could start over. nothing else.
I fucked up. I don't know if I can recover from this, but it doesn't seem like I can. Everything always goes wrong. I Should have known.
>>1778 What have you done?
>>1779 I shouldn't have made that post, I wasn't in my right mind since it had just happened. It's not anything interesting or worthwhile to talk about, it's just pathetic and boring. I'm a hiki neet living with my family, for once I felt good enough to try to make progress on killing myself so I ordered some suicide supplies online. Unfortunately my parcels were intercepted, and now everyone can guess what I intend. If they don't end up having me locked up, then they'll probably surveil me and intercept all my mail from now on. It's stupid but for years the only thing I've had to look forward to was a fantasy of a quick relatively painless death in a lush forest somewhere far away from people. When I had the energy I worked toward that goal. It was the last hope I held and now it's gone. Sorry it's such a insipid story. I probably shouldn't be making this post either.
>>1780 Please don't apologise for posting. How awful, really. I'm really sorry that things are so bad for you.
>>1780 I sincerely wish I could help but am just a hapless neet myself. If nothing else, know that two others listened to what you had to say and wanted to read what you wrote.
This world just feels like a prison now. I can't understand how normal people can cope with this
>>1784 I think normal people keep going because of their biological imperative. When you're programed to reproduce and survive at all costs you deal with it whatever it takes. When you're not, like I presume is our case, everything becomes pointless. What's the point of slaving yourself if you don't care about having a family, relations and stuff? In a way, I think the real problem is a fundamental flaw or deficit as a member of the human species.
>>1785 That's probably it. I guess what I want most is just to disappear, which is antithetical to staying alive, reproducing, etc. I keep going through the motions of staying alive just because I'm already alive but there's no real point to it, nothing that will be achieved in the end, will never reproduce and nobody will ever be helped by my existence. No relationships, no profession, no hobbies or interests, just nothing. Every day feels like a total waste of time no matter what I do. I don't know what somebody like me could even look forward to in life. I don't even feel like an "adult", more like a helpless waste of space out of my depth in this world.
Sometimes it's even a surprise that I am this way. Not that I ever really forget it but sometimes there are lucid moments where the realisation that this is real life for me is really striking for some reason. It's even kind of confusing that it has lasted this long, as if by now it should have somehow gone away on its own and I can't understand how it's still like this. But how could it be any different? I don't even have the right materials to build "a life" with. I still feel just as uncertain and lost as I did when I was 17, the only thing that feels like it changed is that my body is falling apart. No past, no present, no future. I thought about my plans when I was 23, which was a decade ago, I started to study again and was going to try to get a masters degree (would have been about 27 or 28 had it gone to plan) but my parents interfered with me and that plan went to shit. Then when I was 25, I was working at a place that ran training programs for doctors and one of the doctors running it joked that he could turn me into a GP yet. I don't know if he was being serious or not, but I suppose if I had really set about doing it I could have finished a medical course by now. But I just kept working in a comfortable but dead-end administration job. But it's probably for the best given that I'm totally nonfunctional at initiating anything or taking risks. And the way the world is now those are what really matter, it's not enough to just be careful, no matter what you're doing you're expected to keep going out on a limb all the time basically to stay in one place.
>>1786 Hobbies and interests are actually detrimental in an adult life, that's why most of them are usually considered "childish". No, what's important is the pure biological drive of reproduction, that's the only way someone can accept to spend most of their lifes and energy working for others. Well, that and consumerism, but that can be related to reproduction, the idea of how a family should be, etc. I never felt like an adult either. I think it's related to what I said, I could never be more than a child because I don't have the means or the will of reproducing.
>>1788 That's a good point. Probably no surprise that I'm so messed up when I can't even tell what's "adult" or not. I often feel like I was never really "young" either, I don't have the kind of childhood experiences that other people had. I think I didn't enjoy being a kid and wanted to be an adult, and managed to miss out on both. My whole life feels like a void, almost like I was never really there at all. Reproducing seems sort of confusing and terrifying. It's not like I can do it anyway and there's no point when I can barely look after myself. If I had children I would have nothing to pass on to them, imagine how messed up they would be. The only way I know how to live is staying in limbo forever. Ashamed of my own existence, tortured by regrets and, instead of actually doing anything, daydreaming about imaginary futures where my problems are solved. And when I actually do anything it's always wrong. Just a crippled human.
>>1789 I use to feel like a defective, sick animal, or "crippled" like you said. But think about it, most normals, with their biological drives, also feel absolutely miserable. They just can't die because their drives are too strong, but that doesn't mean their individual existence isn't a shitty experience. We, the fucked up, have this little freedom they don't have. Maybe it's not too much, but it's something. Just imagine how hard things would be if we also had the wish, the need to reproduce. You could say that would be a motivation, but I doubt motivation would be enough and it could easily turn into deep frustration, see the abhorrent behaviour of most incels. One thought I had today; I use to feel like a lazy piece of shit, doesn't matter what I do or how much I work. Maybe it would be better to stop fighting, accept it and find my place as such.
>>1790 Is it really so bad for them? Somehow they seem to keep going no matter what, and at least they're really alive. I have none of that drive, no intrinsic motivation to do things. I think I mostly work on fear. Everything scares me. I do nothing because I'm scared to start something. I start things because something scares me not to or often because I feel like I have an obligation that I won't meet. Scared of making decisions, so I leave them until the outcome is fixed or I absolutely have to change. Even when I know I'm doing something wrong it's almost impossible to stop until the fear of what's going to happen overwhelms the fear of changing. But often I just do absolutely nothing and just adjust to things getting worse. Even animals are better at living than me. Of course they probably run on biological imperatives but they still do what they have to do. I think all the time about just dropping out and the main reason I don't is because I'm scared that it will be even worse than this and I won't be able to get back to where I am now.
>>1791 For lots of them, yeah. Most people who take antidepressants, attempt or succeed at killing themselves, are normals. They suffer atrocious crisis in their 30's and 40's, sometimes they don't get what they desperately need and colapse, sometimes they do (wife and kids) and they find themselves terribly unhappy still so they do stupid shit or fall into existential depression. Not wanting to sound like the fox and the grapes, but thinking everyone's happy but you is probably wrong. About fear, I have to deal with it too, everyday, right now. When I was younger I thought I would reduce that by exposure, but it didn't happen. My hope now is precisely to reduce exposure, to keep things simple and less stressfull. That goes with a huge amount of guilt but when you have tried the alternative and you are growing old and tired, what you're supposed to do?
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i wish i could talk. i wish i could communicate with others. i wish i were normal. i dont enjoy things like hentai or videogames. i believe in very silly things like respect the elderly and be nice to the younger, always be polite, never get angry at anyone, follow rules, be forgiving with others and ruthless with yourself etc. life is a gift and kindness is everything. i think nothing makes sense if youre completely alone. warmth is good. i like the arcadian and the pastoral. i wish to serve, be useful and protect others. i like to nurture and provide. the happiness of other people is my own. if i could be god, i think i would save every soul that has ever lived and died and give them whatever they ask for forever. i wish i could be together with someone forever. i think theres no distinction between right and good. i think use your brain and follow your heart mean the same thing. i think everything can turn into gold. everyone has a soul and theyre all special. i hold these truths to be self-evident, i think theyre sound and everything comes apart if you stop believing. im very very afraid. i dont think ill make it, i get bellyaches reading the news and about the things that could happen in the next years. and im trying to turn my brain into a supercomputer, this requires a lot of focus which makes me feel like forgetting why im doing it. it feels like becoming a very bad person who just exists and interacts with the outer world only subconsciously. i think everything that is supposed to happen happens, so i dont know what to do when something i believe shouldnt have happened happens. i dont know what it means if im not going to make it or if ill become a bad person, let alone what i should do. i dont think im wrong about my beliefs. i feel a lot of fear. i think if i definitely concluded im the only person left in the world, there would be no need to kill myself, i would just sit and stare at the floor until i die. but if there are more people then i want to live, because i love others and i think i can be very helpful. im in hell, and i dont think i can get out. very afraid. i think im different or at least potentially useful, i think i can make contributions that would never exist if not for me, and imagine things no one else can. im very afraid of dying like ive never existed. i want to be close to everyone else.
uh sorry. i dont know. i just wish very much i had a life. i wish i were free. i wish i could draw, program, make music, i think im good at making things, and would love to make things for others forever. but there are hundreds of problems in the way. things beyond my control. i dont know. i cant seem to find a solution. i think this is all very weird including the fact i cant communicate my situation sufficiently well. im very sorry.
please, please god, give me another chance. i want to exist.
no place to stay and no place to go. wake up. cry in a dark room. fall asleep. repeat. mentally ill, broken, defective, ugly, irreparable. i think i can imagine great things and that thats important, i believe in niceness and i trust people. i like simple white dresses. im in hell and dont see an escape.
>>1802 too pure and sensitive for this awful world
i hope you suffer more until you kill me you worthless existence. and at that final moment I ll stab and shoke your eyes and let you breath all your worthless days they say your mouth is your tiger but your advices are only convenient where it goes. backstabbing psyhofucks, burn in hell forever then I guess. NOW. no? stupid faggot.
burn in hell all of you. since being hurt and annoyed is part of your rule of cosmos and suffering which is kinda retarded, might as well destroy you all to the atom so sadness and joy mixes... not like you all have been handling it well, all you miserable faggots have been putting up all airs and nothing worthwhile I guess haha may the god dies and reality follows fucking dogshits
time to throw up the fruit of knowledge and return to the origin no good and evil or pain and joy burn it all you silly retard, he too gives no fucking shit about it
I thought tats were evil or some but I guess the army does it and I somehow got the impression of it being bad somewhere idk and now I look like phony but then I don't really fucking care with some headbashing unevolving monkeys
it's too gay for it to workout now. I don't care. the printer have to work or burn. no gay
seems the plan is to squeeze me out so you can get your sad little good samaritan yes. he doesnt like you you worthless sinning dogshits havent burnt forever
no one cares about family. as long as there is food and money. everyone is a worthless fucking savage equipped with abit of talent. dogshit
trying out bits of me. so hilarious. watching your lord ransacked you. haha
no wonder you are fucked up. with that sort of principle ha
well. what to do. he tore you since babel without warning...
He left abel to die. and you are all so..."able". arent you all?
there the fools again lol
your god left you lambs to die i guess. dont complaint to me.
maybe this all would be easier if i like my job or if i am putting up well with it enough so that people say there is actually self sacrifice in it but i guess i dont and i dont understand a fuckin thing i have to read on it and time is so fucking limited and my middling brain power is not quite showing me that i have cleared up even 40% while some people probably got twice my amount with less the time and evn less the resource and even not look twice the sad they should be conpared to me. basically a real genius. they exist. Now. and i am not. and i dont know how much i have to put up anymore since either side of my "talent" is not working out at all: the things i do with fun and i the things i do because i fuckin have to? THEY dont fucking work, evn with all the confusion and pent up annoyance we all thought would make you learn from life? you dont. i think even if there is a gun on my head, or have al my wealth burnt out...i wont get anything from it. i wont double my effort, nor will i become a big mogul..because, none of you do. there is only one sad steve jobs and mr kfc, and the rest of the big folks had alot of luck and support, it s that or otherwise, well... maybe chinese could have win ww2 the first time the japs had blades on their necks. or when jews first get the fire on their skins in the incineration. whatever. everyone is living on a divine edge that is completely not meant to be crossed i guess.
gotta entertain the muslims i guess... but i cant draw their fashion hah
sinking into myself. afraid of myself. i dont want to be a monster. i believe in things like be nice to others. i love other people very, very much. i wish i had had a chance to show this side. i think im losing it. dont wanna go. im afraid. i want to be together with everyone else. im afraid. very very afraid.
dont wanna go. afraid.
very very afraid. i think im doing something awesome. but it wont be enough.
it's a fair trade. one for tomboys, four for bitches? lol and since everyone forgets... well, I guess it's normal they re not gonna be much help.
the chords are...troublesommmeee
putting three things to learn on paper first before shitpoesting. not that I'm gonna make it big anyway.
their idea is that I am suppose to give up games and drawing but I only play unite and I draw half my time now so holy fuck it's fucking expensive. I should probably not complaint but then i cannot find it and they cant lol
this is not a job a ton of people CAN isntit?
but i guess it's natural since common sense is not a governing idea in theism. there's only one atom bomb for a ton of jews too lol
inconsistent. some people doesn't need school to make it. some people don't make it with school. how am i gonna gonna be different?
somehow the only thing i understand may make money is not making money. not that the thing i am doing IS making money. stuck mostly on techs lol
it's outrageous but i guess that's how theists are. out of this world.
i am thinking about finding how to do the bootscreen and it still doesn't pop out on me. this is nuts.
i am partly theist so i guess I'm gonna b outrageous too.
like expecting Doctors wannabe to be carngineers i guess. gonna follow in everyone's footsteps. expecting me to be out of my "comfort zone", "talent". "but it doesnt work both ways"... terrific.
i got good ides but the return wont be that good isn't it
no jokes until 50k
"all these r stupid annoying" "i dont wanna talk abt it anymore" yms yes r we done already? r u gonn keep me here forever? like this? hilarious. you got some sadistic streak in you i guess.
doing your evil conveniently unchecked.
you don't have powers here it seems just slight flickers of naught against tiny people. and then everyone suffers for you. that's all you have. and thusyour followers goes mad. trapped and forever suffering. to fill in your hollow desire to be called "perfect". like satan, thinking of his wings being beautiful no matter an eternal joke I guess.
one thing for sure. too lazy to speak twice I guess. must be tiresome being a lord. so sleepy. -sloth
the lord has all the sins already. it seems the way of life is "I can do it but you don't" lol
why do you need to drink if you are so blessed.
cant you not walk on water instead of sitting on camel
why so eager to win like you have no other planet. do you need that much
are you enslaved by your desire
so sorry you have no other blessing. he s picky at you too
you have vengeance in you, like me. I guess I win.
corruptibles.
and now you turn against small things too. ruin it all in your name. soon, no one will mention it. living alone is better, even for the endless, I guess.
theyre annoyed that things don't go their way, as usual. like a 5 year old. screaming all time and any moment given. hilarious. then complaints why things don't roll their way. lol. and somehow I am gonna treat them differently for the same catch? nuts.
outrageous. out of this world indeed.
go on and do that
go on. we all know that's yer game.
i feel like there's a missing argument i should be noticing but i couldn't careless about the crazy mob and their timeless violent advances on... whatever. it's like you guys are buying or whatever. oh wait, they don't buy anything.
the mob don't buy stuff so they exploit minor's weakness and i don't know, profit from it. which is mostly why it turn off me all the time. since you are mostly twats and backstabbing, unsaved and unblessed monkeys your own lord disown.
child of elites become elites.
yes I'm not sure what i am supposed to notice on this one. it feels like the crowd is going mad, as usual.
cant i have my own brand? do i have to lick these psychos and their foulplays? pushing their hungry tickets. honestly i m bored of this stupid place. it means nothing anymore. it's not like you all got good intent i suppose. murdering the entire house of cattles and then calling dips.
yes you are more resilient to grotesque things it seems. i cant top that.
boring
well, the riches turns rag steve job don't know coding until death. maybe that amazon guy. definitely not jkrowling. why would I be?
to save time I don't comment on anything else
what a sad life dreaming on greatness just to save yourself and, whatever you have. but I guess there's no promise of that even from the great one, for even paul are stoned and many other things.
yes you all look amazing. 6 legs and 14 arms. regenerative powers and knows all language. maybe even walk on water. its like he s shitting on you to proove a point.
hilarious and entertaining.
go on. lets see how nuts you are. how much do you ask and how much can you get. lol
add more cringe. i could die breathing. it s like crusade war again. assassinations and different clans. lol at your worth.
maybe you will try flying tommorow?
not afraid of you because you grow back arms and are super forgiving. like it''ll just be seconds of anger
I guess since I'm going to b eternal it'll all feel like a breeze huh
its ok. I kno yer taking yer sweet time since eternity is coming. it was wrong to ask for assistance to begin with. but they told me those who don't ask will be lost so... oh well.
yeah whatever man. human gifts for humans. I might not be better, of course. and well... we are not all that "blessed". good luck. people are, slippery, I heard.
there's a vileness in my perspective too, I suppose. I did not notice. well, let's see if it works.
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feel a lot of fear. want to talk but dont know what else to say. probably made hundreds of schizo posts by now talking about how i feel, always the same things in slightly different words. i dont know. i wish i could stay connected to this world, i love the people very much, and wish i could live for others. i think i didnt get to be myself, i didnt get to show what i am, didnt get to show things i can see. i wish i had had a chance, i wish i could start over. ill do what i can with what i have, ill behave like i think im supposed to and be uncompromising. but i think it wont be enough, and theres no escape at this point.
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sorry for making a lot of posts. i promise this was the last of all. im a friendless weirdo and im never going to talk with anyone again. freaks like me should keep away from normal people. anyways, thank you for putting up with my outburst of feelings. sorry, sorry a lot for sh*tting up the thread.
i guess despite all... my biggest sadness is not in trying more, but in the fact that i guess... muchvlike everybody, is not more. i suppose i wanted to be more than god. i deserve it. but really.... grow the fuck up already
depression? mental health? a fucking wheel? that's your retarded brain want to hear? a fucking divine intervention, a gift? your petty ...devout minds never cease to blow me away. literally. and you only win against ME. half a meek. and lose against that GUY. you EVEN PRAISE THEM. HILARIOUS maybe im dead. lol it's not like you put out the flames yourselves.
>>1876 >>1877 ew gay. start over. some gay ass isekai dumbshit
Look I'm sorry I don't want to be rude but this schizo rambling is getting out of hand. It's ok to share your feelings with us but you are just writing down random thoughts to yourself. Maybe you should start a blog or a diary? Again I'm sorry I don't want to hurt your feelings, I just want to make sure you are ok. I don't know if you really have schizophrenia or not, maybe you should talk to a psychiatrist cause thats much, much worse than depression.
and you are an illiterate dyslexic who has no better glossary and you have nobody to talk but me and only me to be smarter than because everyone else thinks you are a fucking idiot you should check if you have autism or perhaps IQ deficiency because then maybe you ll learn newer words than those boring copypasta you learn to make yourself sound smarter but actually completely retarded and backward
lesson of the "holybook" once a "lord" says no, nothing you can do can change its mind: your luck and destiny basically. guess the holy book says alot about a god's personality: completely braindead and morally destructive, at any cost. i mea he definitely didnt put a rule about"you cant kill" befor abel, right? such personality. then gets angry anyway
yer all not v smart i guess... in the end. he did kick you off the garden. haha
yes, its true. not everything is posibble for a god i guess... including living. lying the realm of the dead. unseeing. oh boy, why not crush your head with a gas tank, you monkey
actually who cares. we burn the gods too. he can do 2000 years of hate. i ll give him 10 milleniums of war then. who cares about useless things. burn the children and the pussies, vaginas and worthless dogs stab them in the ey, and see if their god give a shit. electrocut you like fucking bbq. i dont care. ypu are all useless fucks on my back all talks and no fuckin worth. come now, burn if you have any balls.
pussy god. how about kill yourself so we can be free of your neverending hate seems like your level of chaos increases exponentially. fucking trash
what do i fucking care. you wasted my goddamn patience, my time, my mind, my entire goddamn self worth. like i am a fucking god or something. like i got all the time in the world. you ragheads and jarheads. WORTHLESS FOREVER>. FUCKING TAXEATER, IDIOTIC FUCKS. GO GET ELECTROCUTED. BE A GODDAMN BATTERY. than putting out useless space
KILL YOURSELF KILL YOURSELF
it's TIMe TO GO HOME HE SAYS WHY ARE YOU NOT LISTENING???? I THOUGHT YOU ARE A SAINT??? WQHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT THIS LAND?? THERE S A FUCKING MOOON> BREATH THERE. YOU DONT BELIEVE IN SCIENCE ANYWAY. JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND PLUG IN THE FUCKING CABLEEEEE
GO HOME. YOUR FOOD SUCKS. YOUR EXISTENCE SUCKS WHYCAN YOU ONLY LIVE HERE GO TO THE MOON. BREATH THERE WHY DO YOU NEED SO MANY FOLLOWERS ARE YOU WEAK? ARE YOU STUPID? ARE YOU A WORTHLESS JUNK? FUCKING BURN AND PLUG YOURSELF TO YOUR ELECTRICAL PLANT YOU WORTHLESS JUNK BE THE ROBOT YOUR GOD WANT YOU WEAK FUCK
depressed? SINCE YOU ARE SO UNDEMANDING. AND I HAVE TEN ARMS AND FIFTEEN LEGS, JOHN. I CAN WRESTLE YOU TO DIRT BY BREATHING. I EVEN POWER THE ENTIRE EARTH BY THINKING. WHY WOULD I BE DEPRESSED? MAYBE YOU ARE THE ONE DEPRESSED JOHNATHAN. I THINK WE SHOULD DRAG YOU UP THE ALTAR, AND LIT YOU ON BONFIRE, WITH A FUCKING C4. THEN YOU WONT BE DEPRESSED JOHNATHAN. I WILL ALSO CUT ANDRE s HEAD And STICK IT TO YOUR GAY PENIS. THEN STAB YOUR EYES WITH FUCKING CHOPSTICKS. SO DONT BE DEPRESSED JOHNATHAN. MIND YOUR BUSINESS, FOR REAL.
dont be depressed johnathan. there's like ten copies of you. you can rest in peace. we will even take good care of andre. put him on a stake and have everyone watch him lit with C4. so dont be depressed johnathan. you MAKE THE OTHERS LOOK EMBARASSING. MUHAMMAD DONT MARRY MEN BECAUSE OF THIS JOHN, BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT WITH WORDS. AND HE TOO IS A PUSSY SO NATURALLY YOU ARE BOTH EMBARASSING. TRY GETTING LIT BY C4. YOU SAID YOUR GOD CAN DO ANYTHING. I DID NOT SAY SO.
since you dont believe in science. maybe you dont believe in electricity too? it's okay. the mental hospital is full of this kind of idiot. you wont be alone, ahmed. it's not like, your god have decided you will be in heaven. maybe you also dont believe in time? maybe also reality and space. so many things you are not gonna believe. just cut, chew and swallow. like a monkey. you never evolved indeed.
lighting you all with a c4 to see if you are a witch, actually. if you survive, you are a demon. they told me so...through the telepathic brainwave frequency. yes that's a thing. and it s not sience. it's magic. is theistic. maybe you are the real demon?
sorry, i forgot your rule are flexible
you dont seem like you practice that much. just games and sleep in class. lol maybe get lit by c4
no art. no drawing. LETS BLOW SHIT UP
it s fuckin thread.
yes, a threat. i will murder you all if you dont make this all easier when i FUCKING NEED IT. nOT GONNA CLUE YOU WHICH BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONE WHO HAS A GOD I GUESS. but i guess he lied to you. bunch of faggot. fuck you.i didnt even want to be a god. and you pushed the career into me like a goddamn savage. how very intelectual very civilized like fucking monkeys. i remember that. you unevolving monkeys and somehow you wonder why your god is such a bitch to you. haha. he s spoiled i gues. he really can do ANYTHINGHUH.
diediediediediediediediediediedie be a fuckinf man and DIE
"you need To work hard, not just pray" you too, dear god. you too. WORKTHEFUCKUP
rashes it's not even a day
well, what choice do i have... as usual. BURN IT ALL
complaining about metaverse being misused as a platform than a "social media", aint that too familiar? it's not like anything is invincible from "misused". the irony. humanity is just a sad product of all things impossible, and thus simply become... impossible to upkeep. I mean, that's why we flood and throw lavas at them. Also let the shepherd dies to feed on their dead bodies. It's a succesful project, as we all can see.
Ok now that was nuts. Bridging the scifi with real things. Then again, who's not going to?
GOing through your entire anatomy without your consent
Also betraying all your plan without consent, regardless of any moral values or evident benefits.
terrorism is the sad example of how nothing LITERALLY, can save the pious when they decided the time's up. Nothing. Whoever let this place be. well, doesnt seem like a good story. I mean, look, it's just abel. Dying. We let the natural things happen. Looks like a good portofolio.
Who cares. Youare BIASED anyway LOL
IS that a threat? are you that miserable? is this what i have to shoulder? your sad miserable, worthless monkey brain? Sorry but, what was it...oh right. you say "Not my fuckign responsibility". not mine either. Why not nuke yourself with C4 already. Also do it on yourself, if you are not a faggot. DOnyt be like the gays. Spreading AIDS because theyre too pussy to go alone oh i forgot. no free entry to heaven boohoo. you are not really gonna have room for everybody it seems. not with that mindset.
at the state of hating anything anyway. neutrally telling you all to fuck off like the swedes did.
blinding the gods i suppose. it's just an eye. Just AN EYE. Betray reality, and twist life. it's not like, you are keeping any good around dont you? Boohoo. Time to burn it all. letting you BURN like you did Abel. Seems easy, since you have begun to lit anyway.
...you wanna know what i think about the references? theyre pretty basic. Like a raw, unpeeled coconut.
seems you have hard time noticing my level. it's down here. pretty unseen from up there huh
hard tell. you dont really spare anybody huh. go ahead. i ll be the fucking abel. it's fucking troublesome
i guess it is natural. since i am not excellent... or more smarter...more gifted... naturally, there are those who are, more loved than me. Oh well. dumbplace.
well. this all has turned into ugly game of spite anyway. "letsee whos correct when we all die" is what it all sounds from anyone now. maybe nobody is that interested to save anybody. i mean.. adam and eve wasnt saved in a single strike. well, guess this has only happened once. and you are inexperienced as hell. or maybe there s no good portofolio in you. just a very chaotic story for two thousand year.
go on. end it. show everyone how basic you are.
yes god has been X race. thats why it has short temper like everybody
"well thats not my child" and you are here lol. of all places
this all would be easier if you are not placing a differentiated order of life. like dealing with problem would be easier. but i guess your idea of "fair" has been a monkey one. lol. mathemathics.
everyone is not interested to live actually. by nature god is dying to "die" too, just ending it all because he knew he fucked up lol
>>332 I hate redditors and they should be banned on sight.
you still have more than me so please rot and die. but i guess a divine is afraid of losing too. retard
guess you are just a "religion"
since a god is the only perfect example of life, why would i somehow NOT BE IMPERFECT by that statement? ah i know. because POPE and PRIESTS and IMAM dies anyway. especially when they get OLD. haha
would be nice if your faith actually help you carry things that are ten times heavier than you like ants. yes, you are treated worse than an insect, technically. but you dont believe in science i guess. or fact. or whatever nvm. the tower fell. and you didnt fly out of the plane either.
imagine if this is all just big conspiracy done by Big IDEologies of the world. considering they believe everything IS possible or something haha
toxic ideologies i guess brainfroze
lots of great ideas in life to tell me skinny up the kinds that need resources that i dont have as usual coming from the cringiests of people too talking in the wisest of butt, as if they actually care to know me man, i really feel like a part of this world lol goddamn please just die everyone i fucking hate you all "Perfect" things. stay up there you useless divine bullshit givinf me frostbites
im counting by the minutes now every moment these god fucks are not profittinf me will count as ten dollar lost. not that you care i see.
you still want to win? do yu really have anythinto spare? nvm heaven... are you really capable of living in this reality with the fact that you are gonna be always an overkill solution? guess not. you always wanna be right. at any cost
also, dear imperfect humans. how would you know if what you worship is perfect, since you are, at any level of thoughts, a broken, worthless imperfect afterimage of it anyway?
guess thats why you can only kill joan and anything of that level.
maybe kill me first, and then i might just be revenant to murder you. since your..."benefactor"... looks simple enough to lit.
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sorry for making another post. i promise this will be the last. i dont know. there are so many things i wish i could say, i bottled them up my whole life. i did that because i thought in the end i would win and it wouldnt be necessary, but its really over so i might as well stop telling myself to behave and say what i really think and what comes to mind. ive stopped eating food altogether and i think i will soon stop drinking water. either ill sneak out of my home at 3 am one of these days while my mom is sleeping and jump from a bridge or die sleeping from starvation and dehydration. i spend most of my waking moments staring at this image, listening to the lark ascending and sometimes reading the poem with the same name. i dont know, i have a weird complex where i think whatever i say people wont believe me, or theyll berate me, so i rarely say what i actually think , so maybe now i just come off as a weirdo freak but for me this is the first time im actually talking to someone. so um ive spent the last several days listening to the lark ascending almost nonstop, several hours a day, and looking at this image, and sometimes reading the poem. i like the lark ascending very much. its very easy to make extremely complex music, the real challenge is to make slow and simple music that is also very good. i dont know i wish so much i could start over. i think im extremely privileged. i think im mentally unique and can imagine things hundreds of steps ahead of everyone else. i feel free, i think i can do things no one else can, i think i could master things like programming and drawing and become so good the 2nd and 3rd best would be closer to casual amateurs than me, i feel everything very intensely. you have no idea how lost i can get when i read textbooks, when i listen to music while reading the score, viewing images. it feels like being sucked into a void. and i have to pull myself back to reality frequently because i think i could fall forever and never make it back to the real world, like i could live in my own sub/un conscious and shut down the external world completely until i die. i dont know i love learning so much, i feel so much pleasure learning, i feel like i have control of my own brain and can constantly improve it, i feel like i can "see inside myself", but ill die and never again learn anything else. i love people so much, i love talking to people, learning about people, trying to understand people, i believe theres a spark of the divine in everyone, that everyone has infinite potential, i love doing things for others so much, the greatest pleasure for me is helping someone else and hearing or reading a thank you, but ill be alone in a void for the rest of eternity. i dont know im really afraid of death. i really dont want to die. i think i could easily accept death if i could have lived at least a little like i wanted. i wish somehow i could be born again in this world or a world like this, in the same era, i wish all the things that made myself were there but none of the poverty, sickness, family and other problems. i wish i could wake up as a 4 year old, forget that all this happened, and be set free, just so i can see how far i can go. i want to be a child again, i feel like ive never gotten to be a child, i want to go to school for the first time, i want to mess with the family computer and start learning programming in first grade, i want to be myself, i didnt get to. life just flashed in front of me, it felt like being in a cage, tied to a chair, or at the bottom of a well. i dont know. when im laying on bed or falling asleep, i fantasize about everything i wanted to or should have done, i dont know, i dont want to talk about why things turned out like this. its not my fault but its extremely embarrassing, shameful, i dont know i will just say one thing happened after the other and things kept happening from the moment i came into this world, even before actually, and i was just born and didnt know how to deal with things, and ive always made all or nothing decisions and stood by then to the end, thats the right thing, but in this case right didnt equal to good. everything has always been extremely confusing, you know that feeling when you spend a long time underwater and surface and youre exhausted and take a deep mouth breath, you cant think of anything else you just want to breath in as much air as possible, it feels like i just did that for the first time, after 22 years, and i finally have the silence to reflect on wtf just happened. i dont know its all weird. it feels like waking up from a time lapse that began when i was, idk, born, i was always desperate to wake up from inside but things kept happening. i dont know i dont want to talk about it, but basically its practical things like being chocked almost to death by your own mom or having your stepdad beat up your mom and swing around a large knife when youre 10, like that but every day something different happened, theres no stability and every day is different in a very bad way.
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and you have no control over your own life, you want to make decisions because you think youre good at making decisions, in part because at school all teachers say youre my favorite and most intelligent student and your classmates are scared of how knowledgeable you are and you socialize with 30-50 year olds instead of teenagers but others make decisions for you and by the time youre 18 you have had a number of strokes and have the health of a 80 year old and youve been left out of your own life. i dont know i just want my childhood back, please god. i wish i had a second chance. im pathetic, fucking disgusting, im a maggot begging for heavenly mercy. i dont know i think theres something so precious and useful inside me, i just wanted to show it very much. if its actually ugly then at least i wish i were free to be alone like everyone else. my mind has been collapsing under its own weight lately, i cant stop crying, i cry all the time, minor sensory stimuli like when someone calls out to me or when i hear a noise outside like a car, they all hurt me. i dont know theres nowhere to run, all thats left to me is to die, thats the only way out of this nightmare. i dont know i think i have free will, and i choose to do what is right and its easy to tell whats right. i dont understand people who waste time with things like memes, vtubers, its incomprehensible how people can make millions by playing videogames, why arent children the least considerate of their parents, i dont understand people who make small talk, i wish so much i were born into a life of one of those people that get to post their "thoughts" on twitter and blow their parents money on clothes, and then they complain about anhedonia and that their lives are going nowhere, and tell each other in social media how sad and unfortunate they are. i feel like i have so much willpower, maybe not hitler or mussolini tier, but maybe an inch or two above most ceos. if i had another chance i would spend every moment of my existence pushing my brain to new limits, memorizing things, synthesizing ideas, making connections and circuits, and be completely focused on what i do. id definitely be a hacker, id know all relevant programming languages, speak 10 languages at least on a b2 level, be proficient with math and be a cryptologist like no one else by the time i get my ms from a top tier uni. and maybe id draw things no one else could have imagined. hundreds or maybe thousands of pictures. i think that could have been realistic if i had started it all when i was like 5, and studied every day with my work ethic. none of this will ever happen in any universe, and no one is reading this cringy schizo 10 yo spy fantasy cr*p, and everything is meaningless or so they say, so i get to say what i really wanted at least once in my life. i think the most important thing of all is imagination, creativity, whatever you call it. the most important thing is in inside. i dont know when i see people flocking around others who are good at drawing and flocking around others who are good at thinking and programming, i dont know and when older people say they wish younger people were more like X Y and Z, and they say their ideal employee is like this and like that, and that these and those values are important, i dont know it hurts a lot. i have my own unique way of doing things and i think its that thing most people like to see but dont understand because they dont have it but i was never called on stage. i like to remember the times i felt left out and they make me cry a lot. like once some person asked "i just graduated, what can i do with a bs in math" on an imageboard and the first reply was something like "people in industry love people like you, you can get a career in ml". i like remembering when ive read discussions about topics im well read about but never jumped in because of abysmal self esteem. ive seen two groups and in one of them there was a very awkward programmer and in the other a very awkward artist, and they both talked like i used to when i was about 8, and everyone would bully and ostracize them if it werent for their awesome skills (people werent nice to them despite the practical contributions they made to the groups, which were made of leeches), and that made me feel too. i really like imagining how different things could have been. the character limit is almost over. i really cant get out of this hole. theres no more fighting my sicknesses, my family situation hasnt improved, i dont have a penny to my name, id be starting from zero, i try to make plans and think into the distant future but all i see is stones in the road, bad compromises and so forth. things like hunger and homelessness. i dont know im sorry. im just a schizo rambling. im completely insane, im filth, retarded 5 year old smelly kid in the body of an adult. theres so much more i wish i could talk, its like the first time im actually talking, im so happy, so lucky. happiest luckiest. i promise ill never post anything anywhere again. promise promise promise. ill just starve and dehydrate or fall off a
For as far back as I can remember I've always found my life to be fundamentally painful. Abnormally so, not just as one would expect to feel from a flesh and blood body that's prone to breaking down, but like everything in existence was evil and trying to harm me. Each moment is filled with a background hum of pain and fear and other bad feelings. I know that just means something is bad in my head, but I just can't accept that. It seems like there has to be a better reason I am like this and others are not. Why does nothing good ever happen to me? Why have I been made to suffer like this with no hope? As a kid I was scared of going to hell, but I was also scared of going to heaven. I couldn't articulate it then, but any existence seemed like a punishment, I couldn't and still can't understand other people wanting to exist, let alone exist forever. Feelings like that are alien to me. For me "happiness" isn't a positive state but a negative one. Forgetting for a moment how much pain I was normally in. An almost death, but I am still afraid to die. Afraid I'll fuck it up and end up in agony even worse off than before. But I'm even more afraid that I'll succeed and that there is something even worse than this world awaiting me. That this world that seems so evil might be made by a god who will punish me eternally for being in pain seems easily possible. I am so afraid. I can't make you understand with words but I am completely terrified. I feel like I'm being mashed up and crushed and ground alive by my fear. I am so fucking afraid. Not just of punishment hell, but of living on. I shake and sob thinking that when I die, the few things that took away my pain even for a moment will be lost too me forever. That I'll be stuck existing utterly alone forever in a pitch black darkness where there is only me and this pain that has always formed the base of my thoughts and feelings. I wish some higher power would intervene save me. I wish someone would reach down and pull me out of this hell. Tell me that none of this was real. I know that won't happen but. I can't take the truth. I can't face this nightmare. I can't face being like this, I can't take it but what choice do I have? I can't save myself. I can't do anything. I am completely powerless. I can't do anything but suffer. Why was this done to me? Why? Please even if I can't be saved, even if this life can't be erased, can't someone give me a reason that makes sense? Some purpose all this serves? Why me? I know there is none. This is just something that happened, but I can't stop myself from asking still. Sorry. I know no one here can really relate to this shit and I'm being a drag. I just have nowhere else to turn.
>>2081 Hey mage. I know this is the sad thread, and I've been following your posts on another board too. It seems there are some anons there that may be willing to help you achieve your goal of learning to draw. I appreciate your posts and have read more of them than you'd think. But please don't post such disturbing imagery, I'm sorry you're in pain but that photo itself causes me pain and may cause me nightmares. I hope you get out of the place you're in soon and are able to dedicate yourself towards your goals. I really appreciate the photos of the anime girl your normally post.
>>2104 I think you have me confused for someone else, though that's understandable, damaged minds think alike. I also tend to shallowly mirror the habits and intonations of those around me. I don't really have a soul of my own you see. That image more or less represents how the world's nature feels to me. To me it's not disturbing but reassuring because it means that there are others see this world in the same way. However as it bothers you I'll delete it and try not to make such posts in the future.
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>>2105 I use to read all posts multiple times so for me it was easy to see you were another anon, the writing style is quite different and more articulated. I hope you don't get discouraged about posting, even with "disturbing pics" (there's an spoiler option after all). Your post resonated with me but I didn't answer because I noticed it like ten days after it was made and I didn't really know what to say. You seem to be trapped in some sort of metaphysical horror, half of me feels annoyed because I always felt disdain for too abstract feelings unattached from reality, but the other half is just there, even after infinite racionalization cycles.
>>2106 >>I hope you don't get discouraged about posting No worries mate. I think of my outbursts in this thread as the equivalent of a screaming animal caught in a trap. Sentiment over substance. I'd already been trying to avoid posting such things. To make other mages feel uncomfortable or burdened by my whinging isn't something I want. I attempt to contribute to conversation and the health of the board in other threads but... I'm dumb, dull, and disinterested so it's hard to make posts that are worthwhile. I'll keep at it though.
>>2108 I can't say I haven't felt the same way. But also, reading others like you makes me feel a little better about the times I've done it myself. Besides that, you write well and it wasn't unpleasant to read even if the subject was depressing. Maybe it's weird, but depressing things don't make me depressed, but often it's the opposite that does it, quite miserable in a way, I know. It's not like we have any other places to vent or anything, we're silent until we can't take it anymore and write some post full of despair, then feel bad about it later. In a way I guess I sympathize with you since I can't sympathize with myself at all. Take it how you want it.
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i think i give up. im moving to my own world. theres just my happy fantasies there. believe me when i say i could have given you everything and then some more. but i had to be watered just a little in the start. im moving to my own world. its wonderful, but exclusive. i loved you a lot and wanted to take care of you. i wish i had the words for this. i dont know. i failed my purpose and am now free to move to a different world. im sorry.
>>2118 >im moving to my own world. theres just my happy fantasies there At least you have that much. Treasure it. Some of us have no worlds at all. Goodbye mage.
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>>2105 >>2108 I'm the anon who asked you not to post imagery like that. Upon reflection after reading >>2106's post I realize that I was foolish. A good middle ground is to spoiler the image. I think the content of your posts is fine and very much welcome, this is /sad/ after all. I had you mistaken for >>1951 as after reading what I'm 99% sure is their posts elsewhere due to similar writing style and the same white dressed anime girl. I could have seen them posting something like that image given the situation I think their in based on what they've written. I could also be very very wrong and they may not be the same anon. In any case, due to the image I wasn't able to finish reading what you wrote before and you have my apologies for the weak stomach. I'm a person who's at genetic risk of schizophrenia unfortunately, and I haven't developed it yet but images like that make me see angry faces in otherwise mundane patterns for sometimes days at a time. It's on me to avoid them of course, but I don't normally find that sort of content here so I was caught off guard and reacted without thinking. Needless to say, I really don't want to turn schizo as that would make my life considerably worse than it already is and if I make it through the rest of my mid-late 20s without developing it I'll probably be alright in that respect at least. In any case, I really appreciate you anon, and please do keep contributing when you feel like it. I relate to Haibane Renmei too.
>>2120 I appreciate your words and your thoughtfulness. I owe you an apology. I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do know how it feels to have painful abnormal thoughts and moods triggered by things others don't even care to notice. I'm sorry to have subjected you to suffering like that.
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It hurts to exist. I wish I didn't. I typed out a bunch of stuff but that's all there is to it at the end of the day. I care a lot about you anons, you are good guys.
>>2119 i was at a mental hospital and somehow made it through it without giving up. now im back at where i was about a year ago. im very close to making a complete internal change, flipping a switch somewhere on the back of my head, and it will be irreversible. im very close to killing the part of me that loves interacting with others, that believes in the power of niceness, that loves music and art and wants to do silly things like drawing, my happy and altruistic side that loves the world and everyone on it, and instead turning into a supercomputer that only thinks of theories and code. i dont know how to express this. im very afraid. i think i shouldnt kill that side im about to drown, its very rare and special in its own way, but theres no other way forward. i think i have a purpose and i must fulfill it. and ive realized to fulfill that purpose i must kill myself internally. every time im close to doing it, it feels like my consciousness is really fading away, and that a different person is taking over my brain. its scary like you have no idea. maybe there are two voices inside everyones heads, a conscious voice and another voice that quietly dwells in the subconcious or inconscious, and im forcibly switching the roles of these two voices, because i want much more control over my memory and symbol manipulation to maximize my proficiency with computers, or something like that, i dont know. if i were confident my plan is going to work, there would be no problem, but i think my life isnt going to be stable enough to go from nothing to phd in 10 years. i think problems will appear along the road, and i wont make it. i dont know. i feel really awesome when programming. it feels like experiencing another dimension or taking the first steps in another universe. i feel free, like every instant is singular and can be completely felt, it feels like flying. i forget about the rest of the world and enter a state of trance. the thing is im close to entering that state of trance forever, im never going to leave it again. it feels like walking through a door to a complete void, or jumping into a giant hole that stretches forever. its absolute loneliness and a blizzard of cold. im very scared but im going to do it. i hope to acquire vast amounts of knowledge and i think i can use knowledge like very few people can. i hope i will be useful, and that one day that childish, innocent, free and ever so altruistic side will be revived. im very afraid. i think i might be making a mistake but its necessary. i dont know sorry for making a post. sorry for being like this. im sorry.
>>2131 I wish you luck with your goals anon. Hopefully you can overcome whatever obstacles get in your way of achieving them.
>>2131 I've had thoughts like this before. However, I am not fortunate enough to be inhabited by two consciousnesses - at times it feels like I barely even have one. But I always told myself that if I had the option of killing part of myself so that a new person could be born, I would take it. Good luck.
>>2131 I'm sorry you had to go through such difficulties to finally reach that decision, but just like the other mage, I wish you all the best for your future. If studying theories and writing code give you fullness, I can understand why you want to dedicate your life to that path. However, I hope that artistic and nice side of you doesn't disappear and wakes up someday. Good luck, mage.
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banned from another imageboards venting thread for being an obnoxious retard. a person had just offered me help in buying a drawing tablet but ive been banned and i cant reply them now. i want this to be my last post on any imageboard. i want to say something meaningful. this year ill study for a difficult university entrance exam, then ill get a bs in applied math, a specialization in mathematical methods, and a ms and a phd in quantum computing or cryptography. i think problems will get in the way and i wont make it but its my duty to try. i want to amass very vast knowledge in mathematics, computer science, physics, languages and computers, so i can help others. to that end, im killing a very important part of me inside myself. its oblivious, but artistic, altruistic and merry. i feel like burrying a light inside myself. ive held to it my whole life, but its time to let go. im very afraid, it feels like making a huge mistake, but it seems like the only way forward, and im tired of feeling pain for having this light within me. im handing my mind to my other side. its not as emotional as the side i am, but it might be the best at what it does. it can see everything clearly and fluently, things other people cant see right in front of their eyes no matter how hard they look. its mind boggling skill. you have no idea how awesome it feels. and you have no idea how scared i am. i love everyone. i think everyone is special, everyone deserves to be heard, nurtured and taken care of. i want everyone to be free, happy and that all wishes will come true. i want to maximize goodness, whatever goodness might be. i dont know. im sorry and thank you for listening to me. if i got something across, thats a bit comforting. ill be like a different person from now on. im leaving on my journey, i think i wont make it but if i do it would be nice. im sorry, im very sorry, thank you and goodbye. ban me and delete my posts if i make any more.
>>2139 >banned from another imageboards venting thread for being an obnoxious retard No, you weren't, direct quote from that thread; >Automatically banned by the spam filter for posting an email address, I'm too dumb to fix the spam filter so he should obfuscate it somehow next time he posts.
>>2140 where is all the userbase ? It seems like everyone vanished after 2021
>>2148 I've noticed Tower has been quite quiet lately too. It's a little weird, to be honest.
I have to get a job. I had a plan to kill myself, but I'm too much of a pussy to do it. I cried like a bitch.
I have to find a new place to live. My landlord is going to sell her house and asked me to move out before it gets offered for sale. So I have to clear out years worth of junk that I avoided getting rid of. It's not like it's even a huge amount, nor should it have ever been any problem to throw most of it away, I just somehow couldn't do it. >>2151 Damn. Something like that happened to me. I hope things improve for you.
>>1727 I hope the mage who posted this is still around. You seemed really kind, as is everybody here, I really do feel a genuine sense of camaraderie here.
>>2157 Did you find a place friend? How are you now?
>>2163 Thank you for asking. Of course I have done almost nothing, just paralysed as usual by indecision and the hope that the problem would just go away (it hasn't). So far I only managed to begin sorting through my stuff, throwing out some junk and trying to sell a few things (haven't sold anything yet). I should have been doing that last year when I was definite about wanting to leave here, it's really my fault that I let it run out to where I am starting to panic. I'll have to look for a room this week. I didn't even want stay in this city but some other things have come up as they always do. At least in a few months I'll hopefully not feel irrationally attached to this junk anymore and will be rid of most of it and able to do whatever I want. I'm getting a bit stressed but it will be over soon.
>>2164 I hope it'll all be over soon. Indecision and wanting to let the problem just fix itself without any interference is something that I do a lot, probably something that affects a lot of mages here soon. I'm praying your situation improves and you'll find a place soon. It's crazy there are still people who post here, it was dead for what seemed like an eternity.
I don't know where and how to spend my time on the Internet anymore. The 2010s have been straightforward as bad as possible, the Internet is centralized and commercialized nowadays. Everywhere I look it is only sex, memes, politics, selling stuff, buying stuff and self-staging. The places I know are gone, dead or turned to shit, alle the things I discover feel samey and suffer from the same issues.
>>2164 I’m not sure if this helps at all, I had to move from my apt recently as well, but if you live in the US I’d suggest looking on Craigslist that’s where I’ve always found a place to live when needed. Best of luck with your situation fellow mage.
>>2177 Everywhere else seems too sanitized, and if they aren't, then they are incredibly depraved. I've been thinking a lot about how there are no true genuine spaces on the Internet anymore, with genuine people. And if those spaces do exist, then they aren't as populated as they used to be.
I wish the people telling me to improve my life did so in a less patronizing way. They see me as beneath them. I wish I had the strength or the intelligence to live on my own. Or to stop.
>>2181 I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with people like that, mage. I kind of know how that feels. Maybe I'm a little too cynical when I say this, but sometimes I think people can't help but vent their frustration when they try to help you or give you some advice. It's like our mediocrity was an offense to all the effort that they have put into their lives. I wish you the best for the future, mage.
>>2182 Thank you. Yeah, they do seem very frustrated. I don't even think that's the cynical way of viewing it, it might just be the truth. I wish you all the best too, mage.
afraid, i walk into the void. the gates close. no way back. cold, silent and monochrome. there are no rules. for the first time, i am in control. knowing that i can be destroyed at any moment. i dont know why i am here. or really what i am. all i know is i have a purpose. a duty. or will. i really wish i knew the words to explain myself and what i feel.

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