sorry for making another post. i promise this will be the last. i dont know. there are so many things i wish i could say, i bottled them up my whole life. i did that because i thought in the end i would win and it wouldnt be necessary, but its really over so i might as well stop telling myself to behave and say what i really think and what comes to mind.
ive stopped eating food altogether and i think i will soon stop drinking water. either ill sneak out of my home at 3 am one of these days while my mom is sleeping and jump from a bridge or die sleeping from starvation and dehydration.
i spend most of my waking moments staring at this image, listening to the lark ascending and sometimes reading the poem with the same name. i dont know, i have a weird complex where i think whatever i say people wont believe me, or theyll berate me, so i rarely say what i actually think , so maybe now i just come off as a weirdo freak but for me this is the first time im actually talking to someone. so um ive spent the last several days listening to the lark ascending almost nonstop, several hours a day, and looking at this image, and sometimes reading the poem. i like the lark ascending very much. its very easy to make extremely complex music, the real challenge is to make slow and simple music that is also very good.
i dont know i wish so much i could start over. i think im extremely privileged. i think im mentally unique and can imagine things hundreds of steps ahead of everyone else. i feel free, i think i can do things no one else can, i think i could master things like programming and drawing and become so good the 2nd and 3rd best would be closer to casual amateurs than me, i feel everything very intensely. you have no idea how lost i can get when i read textbooks, when i listen to music while reading the score, viewing images. it feels like being sucked into a void. and i have to pull myself back to reality frequently because i think i could fall forever and never make it back to the real world, like i could live in my own sub/un conscious and shut down the external world completely until i die.
i dont know i love learning so much, i feel so much pleasure learning, i feel like i have control of my own brain and can constantly improve it, i feel like i can "see inside myself", but ill die and never again learn anything else. i love people so much, i love talking to people, learning about people, trying to understand people, i believe theres a spark of the divine in everyone, that everyone has infinite potential, i love doing things for others so much, the greatest pleasure for me is helping someone else and hearing or reading a thank you, but ill be alone in a void for the rest of eternity. i dont know im really afraid of death. i really dont want to die. i think i could easily accept death if i could have lived at least a little like i wanted. i wish somehow i could be born again in this world or a world like this, in the same era, i wish all the things that made myself were there but none of the poverty, sickness, family and other problems. i wish i could wake up as a 4 year old, forget that all this happened, and be set free, just so i can see how far i can go. i want to be a child again, i feel like ive never gotten to be a child, i want to go to school for the first time, i want to mess with the family computer and start learning programming in first grade, i want to be myself, i didnt get to. life just flashed in front of me, it felt like being in a cage, tied to a chair, or at the bottom of a well. i dont know. when im laying on bed or falling asleep, i fantasize about everything i wanted to or should have done, i dont know, i dont want to talk about why things turned out like this. its not my fault but its extremely embarrassing, shameful, i dont know i will just say one thing happened after the other and things kept happening from the moment i came into this world, even before actually, and i was just born and didnt know how to deal with things, and ive always made all or nothing decisions and stood by then to the end, thats the right thing, but in this case right didnt equal to good. everything has always been extremely confusing, you know that feeling when you spend a long time underwater and surface and youre exhausted and take a deep mouth breath, you cant think of anything else you just want to breath in as much air as possible, it feels like i just did that for the first time, after 22 years, and i finally have the silence to reflect on wtf just happened. i dont know its all weird. it feels like waking up from a time lapse that began when i was, idk, born, i was always desperate to wake up from inside but things kept happening. i dont know i dont want to talk about it, but basically its practical things like being chocked almost to death by your own mom or having your stepdad beat up your mom and swing around a large knife when youre 10, like that but every day something different happened, theres no stability and every day is different in a very bad way.