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/sad/ thread Anonymage 03/08/2020 (Sun) 01:50:14 No.332
Depression, ventilation and other such posts go here. How are you feeling today mage?
this all would be easier if you are not placing a differentiated order of life. like dealing with problem would be easier. but i guess your idea of "fair" has been a monkey one. lol. mathemathics.
everyone is not interested to live actually. by nature god is dying to "die" too, just ending it all because he knew he fucked up lol
>>332 I hate redditors and they should be banned on sight.
you still have more than me so please rot and die. but i guess a divine is afraid of losing too. retard
guess you are just a "religion"
since a god is the only perfect example of life, why would i somehow NOT BE IMPERFECT by that statement? ah i know. because POPE and PRIESTS and IMAM dies anyway. especially when they get OLD. haha
would be nice if your faith actually help you carry things that are ten times heavier than you like ants. yes, you are treated worse than an insect, technically. but you dont believe in science i guess. or fact. or whatever nvm. the tower fell. and you didnt fly out of the plane either.
imagine if this is all just big conspiracy done by Big IDEologies of the world. considering they believe everything IS possible or something haha
toxic ideologies i guess brainfroze
lots of great ideas in life to tell me skinny up the kinds that need resources that i dont have as usual coming from the cringiests of people too talking in the wisest of butt, as if they actually care to know me man, i really feel like a part of this world lol goddamn please just die everyone i fucking hate you all "Perfect" things. stay up there you useless divine bullshit givinf me frostbites
im counting by the minutes now every moment these god fucks are not profittinf me will count as ten dollar lost. not that you care i see.
you still want to win? do yu really have anythinto spare? nvm heaven... are you really capable of living in this reality with the fact that you are gonna be always an overkill solution? guess not. you always wanna be right. at any cost
also, dear imperfect humans. how would you know if what you worship is perfect, since you are, at any level of thoughts, a broken, worthless imperfect afterimage of it anyway?
guess thats why you can only kill joan and anything of that level.
maybe kill me first, and then i might just be revenant to murder you. since your..."benefactor"... looks simple enough to lit.
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sorry for making another post. i promise this will be the last. i dont know. there are so many things i wish i could say, i bottled them up my whole life. i did that because i thought in the end i would win and it wouldnt be necessary, but its really over so i might as well stop telling myself to behave and say what i really think and what comes to mind. ive stopped eating food altogether and i think i will soon stop drinking water. either ill sneak out of my home at 3 am one of these days while my mom is sleeping and jump from a bridge or die sleeping from starvation and dehydration. i spend most of my waking moments staring at this image, listening to the lark ascending and sometimes reading the poem with the same name. i dont know, i have a weird complex where i think whatever i say people wont believe me, or theyll berate me, so i rarely say what i actually think , so maybe now i just come off as a weirdo freak but for me this is the first time im actually talking to someone. so um ive spent the last several days listening to the lark ascending almost nonstop, several hours a day, and looking at this image, and sometimes reading the poem. i like the lark ascending very much. its very easy to make extremely complex music, the real challenge is to make slow and simple music that is also very good. i dont know i wish so much i could start over. i think im extremely privileged. i think im mentally unique and can imagine things hundreds of steps ahead of everyone else. i feel free, i think i can do things no one else can, i think i could master things like programming and drawing and become so good the 2nd and 3rd best would be closer to casual amateurs than me, i feel everything very intensely. you have no idea how lost i can get when i read textbooks, when i listen to music while reading the score, viewing images. it feels like being sucked into a void. and i have to pull myself back to reality frequently because i think i could fall forever and never make it back to the real world, like i could live in my own sub/un conscious and shut down the external world completely until i die. i dont know i love learning so much, i feel so much pleasure learning, i feel like i have control of my own brain and can constantly improve it, i feel like i can "see inside myself", but ill die and never again learn anything else. i love people so much, i love talking to people, learning about people, trying to understand people, i believe theres a spark of the divine in everyone, that everyone has infinite potential, i love doing things for others so much, the greatest pleasure for me is helping someone else and hearing or reading a thank you, but ill be alone in a void for the rest of eternity. i dont know im really afraid of death. i really dont want to die. i think i could easily accept death if i could have lived at least a little like i wanted. i wish somehow i could be born again in this world or a world like this, in the same era, i wish all the things that made myself were there but none of the poverty, sickness, family and other problems. i wish i could wake up as a 4 year old, forget that all this happened, and be set free, just so i can see how far i can go. i want to be a child again, i feel like ive never gotten to be a child, i want to go to school for the first time, i want to mess with the family computer and start learning programming in first grade, i want to be myself, i didnt get to. life just flashed in front of me, it felt like being in a cage, tied to a chair, or at the bottom of a well. i dont know. when im laying on bed or falling asleep, i fantasize about everything i wanted to or should have done, i dont know, i dont want to talk about why things turned out like this. its not my fault but its extremely embarrassing, shameful, i dont know i will just say one thing happened after the other and things kept happening from the moment i came into this world, even before actually, and i was just born and didnt know how to deal with things, and ive always made all or nothing decisions and stood by then to the end, thats the right thing, but in this case right didnt equal to good. everything has always been extremely confusing, you know that feeling when you spend a long time underwater and surface and youre exhausted and take a deep mouth breath, you cant think of anything else you just want to breath in as much air as possible, it feels like i just did that for the first time, after 22 years, and i finally have the silence to reflect on wtf just happened. i dont know its all weird. it feels like waking up from a time lapse that began when i was, idk, born, i was always desperate to wake up from inside but things kept happening. i dont know i dont want to talk about it, but basically its practical things like being chocked almost to death by your own mom or having your stepdad beat up your mom and swing around a large knife when youre 10, like that but every day something different happened, theres no stability and every day is different in a very bad way.
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and you have no control over your own life, you want to make decisions because you think youre good at making decisions, in part because at school all teachers say youre my favorite and most intelligent student and your classmates are scared of how knowledgeable you are and you socialize with 30-50 year olds instead of teenagers but others make decisions for you and by the time youre 18 you have had a number of strokes and have the health of a 80 year old and youve been left out of your own life. i dont know i just want my childhood back, please god. i wish i had a second chance. im pathetic, fucking disgusting, im a maggot begging for heavenly mercy. i dont know i think theres something so precious and useful inside me, i just wanted to show it very much. if its actually ugly then at least i wish i were free to be alone like everyone else. my mind has been collapsing under its own weight lately, i cant stop crying, i cry all the time, minor sensory stimuli like when someone calls out to me or when i hear a noise outside like a car, they all hurt me. i dont know theres nowhere to run, all thats left to me is to die, thats the only way out of this nightmare. i dont know i think i have free will, and i choose to do what is right and its easy to tell whats right. i dont understand people who waste time with things like memes, vtubers, its incomprehensible how people can make millions by playing videogames, why arent children the least considerate of their parents, i dont understand people who make small talk, i wish so much i were born into a life of one of those people that get to post their "thoughts" on twitter and blow their parents money on clothes, and then they complain about anhedonia and that their lives are going nowhere, and tell each other in social media how sad and unfortunate they are. i feel like i have so much willpower, maybe not hitler or mussolini tier, but maybe an inch or two above most ceos. if i had another chance i would spend every moment of my existence pushing my brain to new limits, memorizing things, synthesizing ideas, making connections and circuits, and be completely focused on what i do. id definitely be a hacker, id know all relevant programming languages, speak 10 languages at least on a b2 level, be proficient with math and be a cryptologist like no one else by the time i get my ms from a top tier uni. and maybe id draw things no one else could have imagined. hundreds or maybe thousands of pictures. i think that could have been realistic if i had started it all when i was like 5, and studied every day with my work ethic. none of this will ever happen in any universe, and no one is reading this cringy schizo 10 yo spy fantasy cr*p, and everything is meaningless or so they say, so i get to say what i really wanted at least once in my life. i think the most important thing of all is imagination, creativity, whatever you call it. the most important thing is in inside. i dont know when i see people flocking around others who are good at drawing and flocking around others who are good at thinking and programming, i dont know and when older people say they wish younger people were more like X Y and Z, and they say their ideal employee is like this and like that, and that these and those values are important, i dont know it hurts a lot. i have my own unique way of doing things and i think its that thing most people like to see but dont understand because they dont have it but i was never called on stage. i like to remember the times i felt left out and they make me cry a lot. like once some person asked "i just graduated, what can i do with a bs in math" on an imageboard and the first reply was something like "people in industry love people like you, you can get a career in ml". i like remembering when ive read discussions about topics im well read about but never jumped in because of abysmal self esteem. ive seen two groups and in one of them there was a very awkward programmer and in the other a very awkward artist, and they both talked like i used to when i was about 8, and everyone would bully and ostracize them if it werent for their awesome skills (people werent nice to them despite the practical contributions they made to the groups, which were made of leeches), and that made me feel too. i really like imagining how different things could have been. the character limit is almost over. i really cant get out of this hole. theres no more fighting my sicknesses, my family situation hasnt improved, i dont have a penny to my name, id be starting from zero, i try to make plans and think into the distant future but all i see is stones in the road, bad compromises and so forth. things like hunger and homelessness. i dont know im sorry. im just a schizo rambling. im completely insane, im filth, retarded 5 year old smelly kid in the body of an adult. theres so much more i wish i could talk, its like the first time im actually talking, im so happy, so lucky. happiest luckiest. i promise ill never post anything anywhere again. promise promise promise. ill just starve and dehydrate or fall off a
For as far back as I can remember I've always found my life to be fundamentally painful. Abnormally so, not just as one would expect to feel from a flesh and blood body that's prone to breaking down, but like everything in existence was evil and trying to harm me. Each moment is filled with a background hum of pain and fear and other bad feelings. I know that just means something is bad in my head, but I just can't accept that. It seems like there has to be a better reason I am like this and others are not. Why does nothing good ever happen to me? Why have I been made to suffer like this with no hope? As a kid I was scared of going to hell, but I was also scared of going to heaven. I couldn't articulate it then, but any existence seemed like a punishment, I couldn't and still can't understand other people wanting to exist, let alone exist forever. Feelings like that are alien to me. For me "happiness" isn't a positive state but a negative one. Forgetting for a moment how much pain I was normally in. An almost death, but I am still afraid to die. Afraid I'll fuck it up and end up in agony even worse off than before. But I'm even more afraid that I'll succeed and that there is something even worse than this world awaiting me. That this world that seems so evil might be made by a god who will punish me eternally for being in pain seems easily possible. I am so afraid. I can't make you understand with words but I am completely terrified. I feel like I'm being mashed up and crushed and ground alive by my fear. I am so fucking afraid. Not just of punishment hell, but of living on. I shake and sob thinking that when I die, the few things that took away my pain even for a moment will be lost too me forever. That I'll be stuck existing utterly alone forever in a pitch black darkness where there is only me and this pain that has always formed the base of my thoughts and feelings. I wish some higher power would intervene save me. I wish someone would reach down and pull me out of this hell. Tell me that none of this was real. I know that won't happen but. I can't take the truth. I can't face this nightmare. I can't face being like this, I can't take it but what choice do I have? I can't save myself. I can't do anything. I am completely powerless. I can't do anything but suffer. Why was this done to me? Why? Please even if I can't be saved, even if this life can't be erased, can't someone give me a reason that makes sense? Some purpose all this serves? Why me? I know there is none. This is just something that happened, but I can't stop myself from asking still. Sorry. I know no one here can really relate to this shit and I'm being a drag. I just have nowhere else to turn.
>>2081 Hey mage. I know this is the sad thread, and I've been following your posts on another board too. It seems there are some anons there that may be willing to help you achieve your goal of learning to draw. I appreciate your posts and have read more of them than you'd think. But please don't post such disturbing imagery, I'm sorry you're in pain but that photo itself causes me pain and may cause me nightmares. I hope you get out of the place you're in soon and are able to dedicate yourself towards your goals. I really appreciate the photos of the anime girl your normally post.
>>2104 I think you have me confused for someone else, though that's understandable, damaged minds think alike. I also tend to shallowly mirror the habits and intonations of those around me. I don't really have a soul of my own you see. That image more or less represents how the world's nature feels to me. To me it's not disturbing but reassuring because it means that there are others see this world in the same way. However as it bothers you I'll delete it and try not to make such posts in the future.
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>>2105 I use to read all posts multiple times so for me it was easy to see you were another anon, the writing style is quite different and more articulated. I hope you don't get discouraged about posting, even with "disturbing pics" (there's an spoiler option after all). Your post resonated with me but I didn't answer because I noticed it like ten days after it was made and I didn't really know what to say. You seem to be trapped in some sort of metaphysical horror, half of me feels annoyed because I always felt disdain for too abstract feelings unattached from reality, but the other half is just there, even after infinite racionalization cycles.
>>2106 >>I hope you don't get discouraged about posting No worries mate. I think of my outbursts in this thread as the equivalent of a screaming animal caught in a trap. Sentiment over substance. I'd already been trying to avoid posting such things. To make other mages feel uncomfortable or burdened by my whinging isn't something I want. I attempt to contribute to conversation and the health of the board in other threads but... I'm dumb, dull, and disinterested so it's hard to make posts that are worthwhile. I'll keep at it though.
>>2108 I can't say I haven't felt the same way. But also, reading others like you makes me feel a little better about the times I've done it myself. Besides that, you write well and it wasn't unpleasant to read even if the subject was depressing. Maybe it's weird, but depressing things don't make me depressed, but often it's the opposite that does it, quite miserable in a way, I know. It's not like we have any other places to vent or anything, we're silent until we can't take it anymore and write some post full of despair, then feel bad about it later. In a way I guess I sympathize with you since I can't sympathize with myself at all. Take it how you want it.
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i think i give up. im moving to my own world. theres just my happy fantasies there. believe me when i say i could have given you everything and then some more. but i had to be watered just a little in the start. im moving to my own world. its wonderful, but exclusive. i loved you a lot and wanted to take care of you. i wish i had the words for this. i dont know. i failed my purpose and am now free to move to a different world. im sorry.
>>2118 >im moving to my own world. theres just my happy fantasies there At least you have that much. Treasure it. Some of us have no worlds at all. Goodbye mage.
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>>2105 >>2108 I'm the anon who asked you not to post imagery like that. Upon reflection after reading >>2106's post I realize that I was foolish. A good middle ground is to spoiler the image. I think the content of your posts is fine and very much welcome, this is /sad/ after all. I had you mistaken for >>1951 as after reading what I'm 99% sure is their posts elsewhere due to similar writing style and the same white dressed anime girl. I could have seen them posting something like that image given the situation I think their in based on what they've written. I could also be very very wrong and they may not be the same anon. In any case, due to the image I wasn't able to finish reading what you wrote before and you have my apologies for the weak stomach. I'm a person who's at genetic risk of schizophrenia unfortunately, and I haven't developed it yet but images like that make me see angry faces in otherwise mundane patterns for sometimes days at a time. It's on me to avoid them of course, but I don't normally find that sort of content here so I was caught off guard and reacted without thinking. Needless to say, I really don't want to turn schizo as that would make my life considerably worse than it already is and if I make it through the rest of my mid-late 20s without developing it I'll probably be alright in that respect at least. In any case, I really appreciate you anon, and please do keep contributing when you feel like it. I relate to Haibane Renmei too.
>>2120 I appreciate your words and your thoughtfulness. I owe you an apology. I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do know how it feels to have painful abnormal thoughts and moods triggered by things others don't even care to notice. I'm sorry to have subjected you to suffering like that.
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It hurts to exist. I wish I didn't. I typed out a bunch of stuff but that's all there is to it at the end of the day. I care a lot about you anons, you are good guys.
>>2119 i was at a mental hospital and somehow made it through it without giving up. now im back at where i was about a year ago. im very close to making a complete internal change, flipping a switch somewhere on the back of my head, and it will be irreversible. im very close to killing the part of me that loves interacting with others, that believes in the power of niceness, that loves music and art and wants to do silly things like drawing, my happy and altruistic side that loves the world and everyone on it, and instead turning into a supercomputer that only thinks of theories and code. i dont know how to express this. im very afraid. i think i shouldnt kill that side im about to drown, its very rare and special in its own way, but theres no other way forward. i think i have a purpose and i must fulfill it. and ive realized to fulfill that purpose i must kill myself internally. every time im close to doing it, it feels like my consciousness is really fading away, and that a different person is taking over my brain. its scary like you have no idea. maybe there are two voices inside everyones heads, a conscious voice and another voice that quietly dwells in the subconcious or inconscious, and im forcibly switching the roles of these two voices, because i want much more control over my memory and symbol manipulation to maximize my proficiency with computers, or something like that, i dont know. if i were confident my plan is going to work, there would be no problem, but i think my life isnt going to be stable enough to go from nothing to phd in 10 years. i think problems will appear along the road, and i wont make it. i dont know. i feel really awesome when programming. it feels like experiencing another dimension or taking the first steps in another universe. i feel free, like every instant is singular and can be completely felt, it feels like flying. i forget about the rest of the world and enter a state of trance. the thing is im close to entering that state of trance forever, im never going to leave it again. it feels like walking through a door to a complete void, or jumping into a giant hole that stretches forever. its absolute loneliness and a blizzard of cold. im very scared but im going to do it. i hope to acquire vast amounts of knowledge and i think i can use knowledge like very few people can. i hope i will be useful, and that one day that childish, innocent, free and ever so altruistic side will be revived. im very afraid. i think i might be making a mistake but its necessary. i dont know sorry for making a post. sorry for being like this. im sorry.
>>2131 I wish you luck with your goals anon. Hopefully you can overcome whatever obstacles get in your way of achieving them.
>>2131 I've had thoughts like this before. However, I am not fortunate enough to be inhabited by two consciousnesses - at times it feels like I barely even have one. But I always told myself that if I had the option of killing part of myself so that a new person could be born, I would take it. Good luck.
>>2131 I'm sorry you had to go through such difficulties to finally reach that decision, but just like the other mage, I wish you all the best for your future. If studying theories and writing code give you fullness, I can understand why you want to dedicate your life to that path. However, I hope that artistic and nice side of you doesn't disappear and wakes up someday. Good luck, mage.
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banned from another imageboards venting thread for being an obnoxious retard. a person had just offered me help in buying a drawing tablet but ive been banned and i cant reply them now. i want this to be my last post on any imageboard. i want to say something meaningful. this year ill study for a difficult university entrance exam, then ill get a bs in applied math, a specialization in mathematical methods, and a ms and a phd in quantum computing or cryptography. i think problems will get in the way and i wont make it but its my duty to try. i want to amass very vast knowledge in mathematics, computer science, physics, languages and computers, so i can help others. to that end, im killing a very important part of me inside myself. its oblivious, but artistic, altruistic and merry. i feel like burrying a light inside myself. ive held to it my whole life, but its time to let go. im very afraid, it feels like making a huge mistake, but it seems like the only way forward, and im tired of feeling pain for having this light within me. im handing my mind to my other side. its not as emotional as the side i am, but it might be the best at what it does. it can see everything clearly and fluently, things other people cant see right in front of their eyes no matter how hard they look. its mind boggling skill. you have no idea how awesome it feels. and you have no idea how scared i am. i love everyone. i think everyone is special, everyone deserves to be heard, nurtured and taken care of. i want everyone to be free, happy and that all wishes will come true. i want to maximize goodness, whatever goodness might be. i dont know. im sorry and thank you for listening to me. if i got something across, thats a bit comforting. ill be like a different person from now on. im leaving on my journey, i think i wont make it but if i do it would be nice. im sorry, im very sorry, thank you and goodbye. ban me and delete my posts if i make any more.
>>2139 >banned from another imageboards venting thread for being an obnoxious retard No, you weren't, direct quote from that thread; >Automatically banned by the spam filter for posting an email address, I'm too dumb to fix the spam filter so he should obfuscate it somehow next time he posts.
>>2140 where is all the userbase ? It seems like everyone vanished after 2021
>>2148 I've noticed Tower has been quite quiet lately too. It's a little weird, to be honest.
I have to get a job. I had a plan to kill myself, but I'm too much of a pussy to do it. I cried like a bitch.
I have to find a new place to live. My landlord is going to sell her house and asked me to move out before it gets offered for sale. So I have to clear out years worth of junk that I avoided getting rid of. It's not like it's even a huge amount, nor should it have ever been any problem to throw most of it away, I just somehow couldn't do it. >>2151 Damn. Something like that happened to me. I hope things improve for you.
>>1727 I hope the mage who posted this is still around. You seemed really kind, as is everybody here, I really do feel a genuine sense of camaraderie here.
>>2157 Did you find a place friend? How are you now?
>>2163 Thank you for asking. Of course I have done almost nothing, just paralysed as usual by indecision and the hope that the problem would just go away (it hasn't). So far I only managed to begin sorting through my stuff, throwing out some junk and trying to sell a few things (haven't sold anything yet). I should have been doing that last year when I was definite about wanting to leave here, it's really my fault that I let it run out to where I am starting to panic. I'll have to look for a room this week. I didn't even want stay in this city but some other things have come up as they always do. At least in a few months I'll hopefully not feel irrationally attached to this junk anymore and will be rid of most of it and able to do whatever I want. I'm getting a bit stressed but it will be over soon.
>>2164 I hope it'll all be over soon. Indecision and wanting to let the problem just fix itself without any interference is something that I do a lot, probably something that affects a lot of mages here soon. I'm praying your situation improves and you'll find a place soon. It's crazy there are still people who post here, it was dead for what seemed like an eternity.
I don't know where and how to spend my time on the Internet anymore. The 2010s have been straightforward as bad as possible, the Internet is centralized and commercialized nowadays. Everywhere I look it is only sex, memes, politics, selling stuff, buying stuff and self-staging. The places I know are gone, dead or turned to shit, alle the things I discover feel samey and suffer from the same issues.
>>2164 I’m not sure if this helps at all, I had to move from my apt recently as well, but if you live in the US I’d suggest looking on Craigslist that’s where I’ve always found a place to live when needed. Best of luck with your situation fellow mage.
>>2177 Everywhere else seems too sanitized, and if they aren't, then they are incredibly depraved. I've been thinking a lot about how there are no true genuine spaces on the Internet anymore, with genuine people. And if those spaces do exist, then they aren't as populated as they used to be.
I wish the people telling me to improve my life did so in a less patronizing way. They see me as beneath them. I wish I had the strength or the intelligence to live on my own. Or to stop.
>>2181 I'm sorry to hear you've had to deal with people like that, mage. I kind of know how that feels. Maybe I'm a little too cynical when I say this, but sometimes I think people can't help but vent their frustration when they try to help you or give you some advice. It's like our mediocrity was an offense to all the effort that they have put into their lives. I wish you the best for the future, mage.
>>2182 Thank you. Yeah, they do seem very frustrated. I don't even think that's the cynical way of viewing it, it might just be the truth. I wish you all the best too, mage.
afraid, i walk into the void. the gates close. no way back. cold, silent and monochrome. there are no rules. for the first time, i am in control. knowing that i can be destroyed at any moment. i dont know why i am here. or really what i am. all i know is i have a purpose. a duty. or will. i really wish i knew the words to explain myself and what i feel.

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