I've been dealing with tremendous brainfog the last years, my ability to communicate my thoughts and have normal, fluid chats is nearly non existent. Being ESL has something to do with it, but it happens in my native language as well. More than being ignorant in either language, I'm afraid it's simply the effects of prolonged isolation. I talk to nobody, I know no one, I do nothing other than stress and worry about things that are ultimately beyond my control. I tell myself that I can endure the pain of loneliness but my mind and brain betray me by having dreams of really old classmates or anime girls, it's obvious it's my subconscious crying in pain trying to fill the void with whatever it can lest I go insane.
My room is a mess, I decided enough was enough and made some deep cleaning and renovation. I'm not finished yet but hopefully I will before November. It took me a long time to separate and take out the trash. It paid off though, literally, because I found some old vidya I sold on ebay and marketplace, and with the money I put together a new (used, heh) mid range Skylake workstation, I have yet to find a suitable graphics card for it though (aiming for a used gtx 1650) And I still have to update my ancient laptop to W10 or W11. It's really old, but still good enough for basic use. All this makes me wonder, where did time go? It's something I see others express concern about, that the whole covid/lockdown years feeling like a fever dream. That's exactly how I feel, it's like I'm picking up my life right where I left it during '19 Q4 and '20 Q1, which for me was a double whammy because that's when I was putting myself back together after experiencing deep depression and some sort of mild derealiztion during '14 - '17. Basically I feel stuck in 2012. I've barely kept up with my media backlog, I'm so out of the loop in basically all aspects that I feel a bit alienated amongst anons too (eagerly awaiting new Madoka movie tho) So things are kind of normalizing, mentally at least.
I've been chronically sick for almost 2 years now. I will not get into theories, all I know is most other people, of all ages incomes and fitness levels seem to have some sort of illness going on too. That matters to me because depending on what is causing that, I may just throw in the towel and become even more reclusive that I was, stop looking for a job and just wait for death. My plan was quitting imageboards, or really any sort of distraction or parasocial or make-believe friends or community. My logic was it'd force me to seek the real thing instead. Needless to say it didn't work. Quite the contrary, my decaying health plus the total isolation made me deeply contemplate death. Made me realize I have almost no attachments, so the thought of death, with my chest pains and pulsating tinnitus was constant. Listening my own blood swooshing around my head with each heartbeat. Scary. The imageboards I once knew long abandoned or their population visibly changed. The world around us quickly changing, while I remain paralyzed by anxiety/fatigue and well on my way towards an early death. Unequipped to deal with facing both my rapidly approaching mortality, and the absurd meaninglessness that is staying alive just because I'm afraid of pulling the trigger.
I don't know, I barely vent post. Each time I did I ended up feeling a bit worse than before, but I also know very well bottling things up is a very bad idea. Speaking of which, I was forced to reconnect with one of my aunts, who I'm not exactly fond of because reasons. I ended up saying a bit more than I'd have wanted to, and learning more than I needed. Turns out suicide runs in my family ain't that friggin awesome? It's almost like God is telling me what ya waiting for anon? Ah damn. Wish I could forget she said that. And I hate depending on others. Anyway, I still fondly remember the wizardchan of the past, and magicchan. I never posted much, because I just had nothing to share, this fever dream like feeling actually started around the mid '10s for me when one of my parents passed away unexpectedly but not really, shortly after I dropped out of college and realized I was not meant to be normal or have friends and that even a humble life of stocking shelves at nightshifts would be harder to attain than initially thought. And then, well, whole covid and basically realizing there is a real chance my will be absolute fucking shit forever, that I will never move out, or have friends. I hope not, but prospects are not looking good.
During the last year and in an effort to improve my fatigue I tried delving into nutrition as deep as I could. I've been experimenting with some supps, but no noots because I am poor. I genuinely think I've been living with moderate undiagnosed adhd, how else could things get this bad? How else could I have procrastinated so many things for so long? How come megadosing some b vitamins and other stuff is what partly got me out of the rumination/scrolling/hoarding hellish cycle I've been fighting so hard to get out of? Hopefully as I learn more I will be able to join the workforce again. Anons always advise to just start doing something, but sometimes a lifetime of poor habits, spiritual malaise, rejection, poverty, scatterbrain, hoarding and all that is bad for getting things done makes it really, really hard to keep it up. Guess "clean your room", literally, was the best advice all along. My new computer should be arriving next week or so, I wanted to get a dremel too and make another desk for it, and another smaller desk to finally get on with my board repair program I've been putting off for almost ten years. I follow every now and then a very popular electronics technician, in one of his latest videos he talks about how the industry has changed since he started, and how he feels it'd be impossible for newbies to make it big like he did. All this makes me feel as if we're entering an era where any sort of mobility has become impossible, not social, financial nor professional. The guys at the top entered a matthews effect loop where the wonders of techonology make them exponentially richer/smarter/well-connected, and those at the bottom are left just scraps if lucky at all. That is something I'm sure has a lot to do with the percieved decay of imageboards.. I'm so late to the game, but it is what it is. Who the fuck am I right? Nothing. Nobody. No skills. Zero friends. Zero money. All the low hanging fruit has been taken, and all solid friend groups are closed off. Right now I just wish I had a friend, but I'm old and dumb, yet I haven't given up. Thanks for reading and thanks to modmin for maintaining this place. Goodnight anony.