>struggled with porn/jacking off for years >always did everything I could to rationalize it to myself (it's just 2D, it's not real sex, Bible never explicitly said not to, etc.) >even when i had a gf i kept doing it (they never lasted long anyways for other reasons, but still feel guilty) >porn gradually gets more extreme, end up jacking off to something that made me realize how far I've fallen afterwards >this was several months ago, been on nofap since then >was rough at first but it mostly evened out >still watch porn occasionally however, even though i don't jerk off to it I still find myself watching it anyways >libido fluctuates every few weeks from totally normal to absolutely maddening >during the worst parts of it I was going on chat sites trying to find local girls to hook up with >eventually find one about an hour away >we message each other and meticulously plan out times, when, where, how, etc. >she asks me to bring something "fun" >go to an adult store later that day >walk in, look around at the sheer sensory overload of sex, realize this was a mistake >the whole time i'm in there it feels like i'm on autopilot, like someone took the real me and did pic related with it >end up buying a toy and condoms >as I walk out there's a mannequin with a vixen outfit >black sabbath lyrics pop in my head without warning <"Satan there, he's smiling" >realize what I just did >go home and try to push it all out of my mind, end up just thinking about it even more >shame is overwhelming >message the girl and tell her I can't go through with it, it's all too much >you are here it's like over the past year or so I've simultaneously grown closer and farther from God. I've been doing daily Bible readings yet the porn addiction in me keeps trying to break out (and often succeeds). I just want it all to end.

>>100 >>even when i had a gf i kept doing it (they never lasted long anyways for other reasons, but still feel guilty) You’re already a fornicator from the sounds of it, seems like you have worse issues than porn

>>100 Even in ancient times people still relived themselves in "wet dreams" If you don't have that might as well get off some of the "steam", if you know what i mean. >even when i had a gf i kept doing it Now that is a problem

>>102 i do get those, forgot to mention that even in my dreams they're filled with the really degenerate stuff i used to get off to. i feel terrible when i get one and try to wake up but it's too late

Story time >about 4 months ago, start of the quarantine >work as an IT Engineer for our clientele >talking to one user on the phone from one of our bigger clients who I often went on-site for (server issues, user-end stuff, hardware, etc) >she starts asking personal questions, starts telling me personal stuff >she ends up asking for my number over the phone >tell myself "fuck it, might as well see where this goes" >mind you, the name rang a bell but at this point I couldn't put a face to it >texting eachother for a few days afterwards >she not-so-subtly asks me to come over for a pizza party >I agree to it, buy the pizza and head over >finally see her, I do recognize her and while she isn't the prettiest girl in the office, she's up there >she lives alone in a two story house with her cat and extensive wine collection make note > >just starts off real friendly, talking to eachother, eating pizza, we talk about her favorite movies and stuff >the conversation gets around to age, and while I consider myself alright at guessing ages, I wouldn't have thought she was as old as she said she is 33, while to her, I was the opposite and looked older than I actually am >I don't drink and never have drunk alcohol except for some tiny sips at the behest of my family when I was younger, but she coerces me to drink wine (I have one glass) >she shows me her movie collection, she has some portraits of male actors she told me she finds 'handsome', including a cardboard cutout of the Home Alone kid, whom she expressed interest in "even now" >we sit down to watch a movie, she sits a foot away from me but gradually gets closer as the movie comes to a close >we end up making out, she takes my french-kissing virginity >we go upstairs to her bedroom, gradually accelerating but stops at being stripped from the waist up >we end the night there >next two days, she keeps texting me, wants to continue our 'relationship' >meet again at her house later, we are saucy from the beginning this time, she cooks me dinner, I refuse wine in hopes I'll have a clearer head Mind you that warning bells have been going off for different things all throughout this night and, of course, thinking back to what happened two days prior. We'll go through them: She's a cat lady in the making, 34 and single, she decided it was appropriate to tell me about her previous flings, one even lasting almost 5 years and she said she "almost married him", she wanted to get in my pants from the very first 'date' if you can even call it such, and she might not be fat but she isn't skinny by any means, she definitely isn't a virgin (lost hers at 21 if she was telling the truth), and she is more than a little bit older than me. Anyways, >go to the bedroom after a long day >we get very far, I'm about to actually have sex with her >feel guilt the whole time leading up to her getting the condoms, and the red flags kept piling up >couldn't get hard, I was almost semi-erect but it wouldn't go further no matter what stimulation she tried >think this must be divine providence forcing my hand since I couldn't be trusted to eschew her myself >come clean with her, tell her that I was raised Christian and that this shouldn't be happening, told her what I feel is the truth of the situation, that I was inexperienced in this and couldn't tell her no so I lead her along thinking I was interested when I was really just curious >she got angry, told me to leave >on the way home she sent me a wall of text (bullshit) basically just saying what I did was wrong and that I shouldn't have lead her along >sent the last text that night hoping it'd be the last I hear from her >she continues texting me days afterwards, she wanted to bury the hatchet and continue with our relationship but at the slower pace I desired from the beginning >she kept trying to get me to come over after that but I put her off each time >couldn't straight off tell her to fuck off like I wanted to since she was still working as an employee with a client so I'd probably have to see her again after the lockdown anyways and didn't want this to somehow come back at me like I'm the bad guy, I also didn't want things to be awkward between us but maybe that was naive of me to think it could be anything but after a failed 'relationship' >resigned to just let the texting flow stop completely, just told her that if something happens between us, then it happens, but I won't force it >haven't been texted by her for just about 2 months now, but still can't get her out of my mind cont'd 1/2

>>123 Since I can't get this bitch out of my mind, I really would like to know what I can do to forget about her. I don't love her, but she's given me the attention you probably could have guessed by now that I never had in my life. I take care of myself, I'm hygienic, I'm even nice when talking to people, though I won't be the one to initiate idle conversation; however, I've never had much luck with girls, though it may just be from lack of trying. One girl working at a deli I frequent started getting colloquial with me and she gave me her snapchat, but I don't use snapchat (and she didn't seem my type in a few ways) so I sent her like two 'snaps' before deleting the app, forgot to tell her I was doing so, so we never spoke again afterwards. Anyway, the point of this tangent is that despite taking care of myself, I've never 'struck it' with the ladies and this 7/10 out of nowhere taking interest in me caught me off guard and I let her get away with a lot of shit I wouldn't have settled for had I been of sane mind. I didn't have sex with her though I got very close, and I'd like a second opinion on whether my inability to get hard at that last moment was ED or if it really was divine providence. The night before, I asked God that he forgive me for everything I did with her thus far and that he stop me before I make any further mistakes. I'm a healthy young 21 year old man, and I admit I masturbate, so its not impossible for me to get hard - thats just how it was with her. I want direction, /christian/. I want to atone for what I've done and find peace with the matter so I stop thinking of her forever. 2/2

>>125 But surely premarital sex is sinful?

>>126 It is.

I don't know if I did anything wrong, in fact the entire time I thought was doing what was right but it ended up with me losing my literal last friendship. > Have friends A and B > A owns a house, lets B move in while on hard times > B proves to be terrible to live with in objective terms > A kicks B out > B goes to police, claims A assaulted him > B texts me that A got drunk and assaulted him > A has gotten drunk and attacked people in the past, so not an unbelievable scenerio > B tells me he's talking to police > Tell B I'm sorry this happened, I'll support him however I can and that I'll talk to A > B tells me because he's already talked to police if I interfere depending on how A reacts it could make the situation worse for both A and B and it's better to stay out of it > I think about it and yeah, that sounds about right based on a past experience. > Tell him, I'll wait a couple days so he can do what he needs to but I do still want to talk to A > Couple days later call A > A says he denies any of the accusations, gives a very compelling argument for how the details B gave don't actually add up that I can't really explain here without doing a huge info dump of everything everyone said to me about what happened on the day in question. > I tell him what I was told, when I was told it, etc which due to the police grabbing him and reading him his charges is nothing new to him. > A is bigly pissed that I didn't warn him if I knew this was going to go down > explain I had no reason to believe B was lying, that it fits A's past pattern of behavior and that I didn't want to implicate myself or anyone else in tampering with an ongoing investigation in any way. > After a day and talking to A face to face where I apologize to him that I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt before speaking to him and he says he understands why I reacted how I did and it's water under the bridge > two months pass in which I tell B that because A disputes the allegations I can't play favorites and pick sides > talk to A like always have, friendship is stable > get text yesterday of A telling me he can't see me as a friend anymore because what he needed from me was "a brother, not a bystander", he's sorry for "holding me to a higher standard". among other passive aggressive jabs. > B hasn't spoken to me since I told him I didn't want to pick sides, A hasn't responded to my "where the fuck did this come from" text back. Friend A as I gather basically wants to blame me for the fact that he may go to jail because if I told him when I first found out that friend B was going to go to the police he could have gone down and said something to them to cut the story off before friend B made a move - I think that's retarded though but he's convinced it would have helped. Now here's the thing there is 1 witness who sides with A, B basically has his word alone that the assault happened. The assault charge is very unlikely to stick BUT A was already on parole and by having an incident with the police he's likely going to be found to be in violation of that parole and that violation is why he will go to to jail, not the assault itself God knows my heart, my concern from the beginning was to try and show compassion to B who I believed had just was assaulted and became homeless while at the same time not picking sides in a dispute I didn't witness. I had no reason at the time B contacted me to believe he would lie to me about it. There is one way in which I honestly believe I failed to be a good friend to A, that I didn't immediately presume his innocence until proven otherwise - I apologized for that to his face and he accepted my apology and for two months behaved as if his forgiveness was genuine. Did I really fuck up by not immediately getting in touch with him or did I do the right thing by not inserting myself into the situation immediately. In my mind even if I did talk to him immediately it wouldn't have changed anything, B was going to try and press charges no matter what I said because when I told him to be merciful he said this wasn't something he was willing to forgive. And the fact is the parole violation would have been pressed based on decisions from people entirely ignorant of my existence or any of my actions but that's not how A sees it. Am I crazy? If A doesn't come around it will be the end of my last friendship. I have little to no contact with my family for various reasons and I am starting to believe I have been very politely disinvited from the church I was baptized in for reasons that are entirely unknown to me (I never really fit in to begin with, but I've never fit in anywhere so I never thought much of it, I kept to myself and out of peoples way as much as I could.) I'm going to be completely alone after this. Did I not do the right thing? Should I have interfered? I prayed for wisdom and I believed I was acting wisely. The scriptures consistently condemn favoritism and taking sides unfairly - that was what I was trying to be in line with but now I don't know if I lived up to it. I just don't even know anymore.

>>134 You can't unwind the past, but you can observe the present. Worry not about "should've"s and "coulda"s. Focus on how A and B are treating you. A was your friend and he ditches you just cause you didn't suck his dick, figuratively speaking. Neither A nor B should have held you accountable to anything at all since you weren't there. The way I see it, you aren't to blame. You said the wrong things and made the wrong choices, but those were wrong choices done purely unintentionally on your end, you never could have known how they would have ended from what I hear. I would have expected more out of some charismatic people-person who can read people like a book, but you aren't that, and that's OK. Be glad you aren't friends with A anymore since he showed you his true colors. He isn't a true friend, and neither is B from the sound of it. B sounds like he was just taking advantage of the situation and was never assaulted, but I can't say for certain since I wasn't there and I don't know your friends. tl;dr losing friends can hurt but it isn't the end, either find new friends or steel your resolve and go without friends, they usually just drag you down or backstab you unless you get lucky. t. someone who has 'friends', I use the apostrophes because they wouldn't ever stand up for me but they put on airs like they would. They never listen to me and I'm usually the butt of their jokes, but sometimes they're tolerable. I tried to help them but they turned me away so I won't stand up for them if the time comes.

>>135 Thank you, This helps a lot.

I'll start by saying I'm not Gatolig and this is not a confession! But I'll say what I did anyway since I'm anon. >Had too many beers last night >Took my drunken rage out on a cockroach in the garage. Pic related is the before pic. >Thought about explaining to the landlady in the most explicit way I can that my food is out there and that this is unsanitary for all of us. >Repent for being too intoxicated and ask Him to give me the right kind words to say when the confrontation happens. >Wake up today >Get hard thinking about ex gf >Stop myself before edging and repent >Discover this website >Discover /cuckqueen/ >Repent again I think I'll just go on a walk or something and get breakfast. It's not like I want to eat in my roach motel of a home.

>>134 Seems to me that A is butthurt and not really a good friend if he understood your arguments and then backed out of it, and the mere fact he's a drunk brawler on parole who has faced cops face to face should give you enough proof that he wasn't a very stable person to begin with. B is a cunt if the allegations are true. If i were you i wouldn't feel guilty, you made very sensible moves based on experience and friendship, made one that is rare which is apologize and side with the "good" ones before any of the bad shit happened and due to foreign/pre-existing factors like B's slyness and A's unstable mental antics they both strayed from your path, although it's not your fault in my opinion. Any situation would've taken somebody away if not both anyways. I think you live in a very rough patch if that kind of dudes are your only friends, church rarely gives real friends anyways due to most of the people going there being hypocrites and trying to act different from their true self. Being a decent person and talking in a kind tone will always bag you people to talk with, some might become friends, unless you live in a snake's pit, don't do that.

>>210 I pray to the Lord that you are a woman posting this...

at the start of the year I didn't jerk off for most of the year.Broke up with a slut started jerking again blamed god (I prayed every night and went to church every sun day)I didn't sin much mainly just cursing.I have started getting into wotanism and have my own perception of it.Basically to me the story etc are just teachings for children to learn good from bad I don't believe in any god I just follow my own world view don't know If I can come back to the light of god tbh

Idolatry, abstinence from attending mass for years, dishonored my parents, lustful thoughts and deeds, lies and dishonesty. In that order.

>jacked off every day for a week >purposely lied to my parents to mooch money off of them >drank and continue to drink heavily >continue to curse too much and say the Lord's name in vain too much I've started praying again, but every time I do I feel like utter shit apologizing for this stuff. It's the same sins week after week and sure they fluctuate, but I don't feel like I'm really getting any better if I have to keep apologizing for them.

>>232 Then get gud at not sinning faggit. I'll pray that you realize this soon.