TLDR: I'm very slowly recovering. Still insecure and messed up, but with a more positive mindset that allows me to go forward. Doing physical exercise makes wonders.
Small and hopefully last update. Seriously considering making a blog to throw my thoughts out there. I'm relieved to know that there are good people willing to help others, even if their help seems small. I will get to replies in the end of this post.
I've been remembering some things. Like a certain thread in an imageboard dedicated to blogs in where I saved screenshots of someone posting their thoughts and insecurities but at the same time being positive and I was thinking "He is posting things that will seem ridiculous to normies, but it's fascinating to read his choice of words it's almost encouraging." Unfortunately I accidentally deleted the screenshots and I don't know where the board was (I know it's not from here).
Then I discovered some things like entire websites and communities, forums and digital places in which allow others to express themselves not like fakebook twatter and REEddit. That's when I learned that no matter how lost you feel, there is always a place for someone like you, even if it doesn't appear to be. If you are willing to breach into new territory sooner or later you'll find something or a hint at least. I know I am not alone anymore.
How are these paragraphs relevant? Reading and writing helps with mental health. I confess that I've read 3 or 4 physical books in my entire life (teachers make reading boring, srsly) but I've read lots of paragraphs, stories, events in boards that I couldn't imagine them being in social media in current year. One story in a board has the potential to change someone's mind on a subject, opinion, or even an entire worldview of someone else. I think that is why big tech is censoring a lot, to keep control on the robots who never question anything and think for themselves.
Coming as a member of the redpill community, long time ago I used to have wishes to be a father and have a big family, but after seeing girls getting into the "career first, family after hitting the wall" mentality I prefer to choose other paths, and spirituality (related to Christianity since I am experienced) is one of them.
Miracles exist, I believe they do, I have this grandmother who is at her 90s and has problems recognizing the other members of my family, but when my big brother visited us and they seen each other for the first time in probably 10 years she instantly recognized him while she was struggling to recognize the rest. If I get into a better mental health state (even a bit) after listening a .mp3 of "God talks to you while you sleep" while at the same time being aware that the voice in the audio is a voice actor then it's most likely a miracle that it worked well on me.
I know I am still messed up and I am aware that the path of recovery is not easy as I am taking longer to improve in one or various aspects of my life. However, I feel like I can celebrate small progress with a smile in my face.
Going on replies.
Sorry to hear that. You shouldn't abuse yourself with words like that, you should describe yourself with words that make you strong. I recommend watching a movie, "Facing the Giants", it's not an impressive movie in terms of story but it has encouraging messages. I hope watching it leads to you going in good paths.
Not sure if therapy is a good idea unless it's explicitly dedicated to male Christians with legit good intentions. There is this big push against masculinity in the world of professional psychology and I don't want to consume 20 different prescibed meds for the rest of my life. And certainly I don't want normie-like conversations like if I'm becoming a NPC from Oblivion talking about the weather.
When I used to pray The Lord's Prayer when I was younger, I used to say the words and that's it. Last time I prayed was a few months ago, but my words suddenly had a resonance within me, as if I finally understand the meaning of the choice of these words. And after finishing my prayers I had felt something good that I cannot describe, as if I'm touched by a divine intervention. Praying helps, indeed, doing physical exercise helps too, I just did 20 push ups and it feels really good. I'll do some praying tonight, and most likely every night. I hope one day I pray without tears in my eyes.
There is something about the Gospel, I've read a little about the Bible but never read the Gospel. I heard streamers saying that the Gospel left a big and good impression in them towards Christianity so if Matthew 28:20 left me with a good resonance, maybe the Gospel will do wonders.
Everyone, thank you for your reading. Sincerely. God bless you for your time. I think I'm facing the small demons of fear. Bigger demons will come but I feel like I can become stronger and more capable. Miracles exist.