Honestly, anon, it's just paranoia. Firstly, with the disabled gf stuff, I don't think that's really any more than just thinking that a girl with a certain disability would have her own charms if you got to really know her. It definitely doesn't sound at all like you're wishing anything bad on anyone. As for the chutes and ladders thing, it's pretty common for people to say stuff like that in the heat of the moment. It's extreme, yes, and shouldn't be said, but it's not some grave sin that'll send you to hell instantly. While you should be more mindful it's frankly a non issue in the grand scheme of things. Especially considering how you're lamenting it so much after so many years I would imagine that you've already gotten your forgiveness from God and it's just you who hasn't forgiven yourself.
That being said, anon, you probably need more help than being told it's just paranoia and this isn't a good place for advice. Honestly most people here are unfortunately lacking in real world problem solving skills, especially when it comes to mental health. So I'll help you how I can since I had a similar issue and I managed to overcome it.
If you wanna explore this more with me, please reach me by email at firstname.lastname@example.org
It is an encrypted inbox if you're worried about privacy since I noticed you're a tor user.