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Paranoia about God granting bad "wishes" Anonymous 09/15/2022 (Thu) 21:37:28 No.18088
Hi. I have some sort of paranoia about God granting bad "wishes". By that I mean, if I say that I want something bad to me to happen (or think that), no matter the context, God will make that happen. It all started when I was a kid. My mother used to tell me stories like how when my grandmother (her mother) was young, one day she was talking with a friend about whether "it's better to be mute or deaf", and my grandmother chose "deaf", and after a few days she started having some sort of pain in the ears. And stories like that. On the outside, I didn't believe stuff like that and always said that it's all just coincidences, but on the inside I started getting a fear that that is actually true, even if I consciously tried to deny that. Now every time I'm about to say something that out of context could be interpreted as me wishing for something bad to happen to me, I immediately get that "I shouldn't say this!" feeling. This went as far as for example, today I was browsing an imageboard and I read posts related to having a female friend or girlfriend with disabilities like deafness or blindness and there were pictures attached of some sort of "-chan"-like Internet-made anime-like girl whose main gimmick is being blind (I'd say she's called "blind-chan", but I looked that up and the results were unrelated), and then I thought "hmm maybe a girlfriend/wife with [insert disability like deafness/blindness/muteness] would be cute" but after that I thought "NO NOO, GOD PLEASE DON'T SEND ME A BLIND GIRLFRIEND, THINKING AGAIN THAT WOULDN'T BE THAT GOOD NO NOOO FUCK". But the worst of all is something that happened when I was 12 and I try to forget but every time I think of it it makes me TERRIFIED and DESPAIRED. When I was like 12 I was playing one of those board games with dices that go from 1 to 6 with friends (eg. something like "snakes and ladders"), and I was in a position that if I got a certain number on the dice I would get in a really really bad situation in the game, and I said something like "getting a [insert number] would be going to hell", and guess what, I GOT THAT FUCKING NUMBER, and every time I think about this I think there's a chance God will absolutely 100% send me to hell because I said something stupid when I was a kid. Is my paranoia justified or is it completely unbiblical? Will I absolutely go to hell because I said something stupid when I was 12? Does anyone else have this paranoia?
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Honestly, anon, it's just paranoia. Firstly, with the disabled gf stuff, I don't think that's really any more than just thinking that a girl with a certain disability would have her own charms if you got to really know her. It definitely doesn't sound at all like you're wishing anything bad on anyone. As for the chutes and ladders thing, it's pretty common for people to say stuff like that in the heat of the moment. It's extreme, yes, and shouldn't be said, but it's not some grave sin that'll send you to hell instantly. While you should be more mindful it's frankly a non issue in the grand scheme of things. Especially considering how you're lamenting it so much after so many years I would imagine that you've already gotten your forgiveness from God and it's just you who hasn't forgiven yourself. That being said, anon, you probably need more help than being told it's just paranoia and this isn't a good place for advice. Honestly most people here are unfortunately lacking in real world problem solving skills, especially when it comes to mental health. So I'll help you how I can since I had a similar issue and I managed to overcome it. If you wanna explore this more with me, please reach me by email at thread18088@tutanota.com It is an encrypted inbox if you're worried about privacy since I noticed you're a tor user.

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